Just Admit That You Love Me

I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t tell her because I was in love with her, and somewhere between wanting more from her and getting more from Tristyn I had forgotten that. I had forgotten what it was like to look, really look, into her beautiful green eyes and automatically fill with love for her. I’m in too deep now and there really isn’t anything I can do.

I looked down at Mikenna’s sleeping face and felt a pang of guilt knowing that everything I was doing was going to hurt her in the end. I felt disgusted with myself every time I looked at her. I had lied to her face and even though it seemed like I was somehow protecting her, I knew that it wasn’t going to turn out well. I wanted to spend every minute I had left with her until she found out; Braxton had found out and so it was only a matter of time.

I had tried ending things with Tristyn before but she always found a way to tempt me. The little bitch could be a tease sometimes too. I knew that no matter what she did to tempt me this time, I had to end it with her. I love Mikenna too much and even after everything that has been going on, I still want to be able to win her over in the end.

I wanted to marry Mikenna believe it or not. I wanted to not have kids just yet but later on with her. I wanted everything with her and I had broken so much of our future together already. I used to be this monster that cheated on his girlfriends and didn’t care about their feelings but then Mikenna came into my life and she changed me. We were a cliché; I was the badass who fell in love with someone so much better than what he deserved. Mikenna wanted to wait for sex though and I tried, I really did, but then Mikenna and I had gotten into a fight and I was having doubts and that’s when Tristyn came into play. From then on, everything has been just a blurred rerun of that one night.

I hadn’t really thought about my actions much until I came here and Mikenna had suddenly wanted to be so much more intimate with me. I know how much this all means to her and I can’t even believe that I had the nerve to go and do something so horrible to her. All I can think about now is 40 minutes ago before Mikenna had fallen asleep beside me again when we were in the kitchen about to go places we hadn’t yet been with each other and then Braxton suddenly walking in on us, knowing everything dirty little secret I had.

That bastard has been in love with Mikenna for as long as I can remember and for some damn reason he’s decided that he wants her. I’m not stupid; the night she called me and told me she kissed some Evan guy or something it got under my skin but I had to be calm, even though I knew the guy was Braxton, because I had made my mistakes too. In reality though, I was far from okay with it.

I texted Tristyn and told her that we needed to meet somewhere and talk. I may have been acting like a jackass but I knew she had feelings for me and I wasn’t about to break her heart through a text message. I slowly got up and kissed Mikenna on the forehead and found a pen and some paper. I scribbled down that I’d be back soon and then quietly walked out the door to meet Tristyn at the beach.

I walked along the sand until I finally reached her and she was smiling at me. I gave her a half smile and then sat down beside her. It looked like she thought that I had somehow broken up with Mikenna for her but that would never happen. Not in a million years.

“Hey,” She said softly. She looked sort of hung-over.

“Hey,” I said looking at her and then out across the water. I was trying to think of something to say to her that would end us once and for all. “Look… what we’ve been doing is wrong and I think that we should just end this,” She looked down and then at me.

“Why now? Why not 6 months ago when all of this started?” She asked calmly. It seemed like she was expecting this to happen.

“I was just confused, but I’m in love with Mikenna and I don’t want to hurt her anymore. I just-”

“But I’m in love with you,” She said and I looked at her surprised. What the hell was wrong with me?

“But-”

“And Mikenna’s in love with Braxton, and Braxton’s in love with Mikenna,” Her voice was cracking but after hearing those words come out of her mouth I didn’t feel like caring anymore. I didn’t feel like feeling sorry for her. If she was going to be a bitch then I was going to treat her like one.

“Go fuck yourself,” I said and then I got up and walked away, knowing she was watching me but never looking back.

“You won’t be the one with her in the end, Rylee! You know that!” She shouted and I could tell that she was crying thick heavy tears. I tried to ignore her words but they got to me and I was suddenly afraid of them. It was like she was threatening to ruin everything herself. I didn’t think she would do something like that but how is someone to know for sure?

Instead of going straight back to Mikenna, I walked around for a little while trying to blow off steam. This was all my fault, all of it was. I was too much of a fucking idiot for the last 6 months and now I could ruin something that means so much to me forever. I cheated on Mikenna and I’ll be honest here, I liked the feeling. Not the feeling of hurting her but the feeling of being whoever I wanted and doing whatever I wanted, just like when I was single. The thing about all of that though, was that I didn’t want to be single, I don’t want to be single. I want Mikenna.

I was leaving soon and I didn’t like that. I definitely wasn’t going to tell Mikenna about everything and I didn’t want to leave and then have every shit head here that knows run off and tell her. I wanted to punch Braxton so hard in the face right now for even bringing up the topic about asking me to Mikenna. If I saw him, I was going to kill the bastard.

The only reason why Braxton and I haven’t killed each other yet is because we both love Mikenna and both don’t want to lose her or hurt her. I contradict myself; I know. I am an asshole; I know. I am every girls fucking nightmare; I know. I’m sorry; I bet you didn’t know that, I bet you don’t even believe that. I am though.

I continued walking for a little bit longer and then ended up going back to the room. Mikenna was still sleeping and so I took the note I had left her earlier and threw it in the trash. I climbed back into bed with her and wrapped my arms around her and held her there. I held her like it was going to be the last time I ever did. Hurting her hurt me, something inside of me felt so much pain, pain I hadn’t felt before. What the hell did I get myself into.