I Never Meant To

“I hate you.” I said walking up behind Slade and wrapping my arms around his slender waist and leaning my head against his back. I felt the rumble of his laughter through his warm shirt.

“I didn’t know if you would still say yes if I told you she’d be on tour too....so I omitted a few facts.” He said rubbing circles with his callused thumb on the tops of my hands. To an outside viewer we’d look like a loving couple and the thought had crossed my mind a time or two but I’d always pushed it away, opting for the friend zone where I was safe.

“I still hate you.” He turned in my arms and pulled me close, wrapping his arms around my tiny body.

“You couldn’t if you tried.” I sighed and closed my eyes.

“Thank you, Slade. I need her. It’s pretty surreal.” He laughed and pulled back a little looking down at me.

“You aren’t about to replace me, are you?!”

“I’m trading you in for a newer model.” I said shrugging and pulling away. He mocked glared at me before picking his guitar back up and strumming a few chords. I half waved and hopped off stage to set up the merchandise.

Six and half hours later I sat in the back of the Bring Me The Horizon bus freshly showered clutching coffee that I had forced Mike into running after.

Kay-Lynn spoke of her travels with the guys a slight accent now coating her words. I giggled as she told yet another story of the troublesome Sykes’ brothers. As our giggles subsided she cleared her throat and looked at me.

“How have things been at home?” I shrugged. She was, of course referring to Mom’s new distaste for my career path. She’d wanted me to become a dancer, I chose photographer.

“They’re stressed. She’s sad. I....I quit dancing so that was a huge thing but my feet hurt pretty much everyday now. The arthritis in them, ya know?” I said flexing my toes inside my boots. Ballet had been the only hobby that Kay-Lynn and I hadn’t done together. She didn’t have the feet, I did.

“Yeah. Your mom will come around. Has she seen your stuff? I go to your site almost everyday to see what you’ve put up. You’re amazing. Ballet was a thing for awhile but it wasn’t your dream ever. And we both know that.” I shrugged.

“I’m not that good Kay-Lynn. It’s hobby. Unlike you, miss sold a thousand copies of her record in the first two days.” I smiled playing with the green straw. She scoffed.

“Whatever you say. So....Slade?”

“Tom?”

“Friends.” I nodded.

“Exactly. Slade....dammit.....I adore that kid, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t know what I’d do if something ever messed up our friendship. Like, he’s been here. Forever.” I said opening the laptop I’d brought with me and began editing photos. It’s what I did when I was uncomfortable. She nodded thoughtfully.

“You....I never meant to....to leave for so long. To lose contact right?” Kay-Lynn said after a moment of silence. It felt like someone had punched me in the gut.

“I know. I mean....for awhile I thought maybe it was something I said....but then it was about the time you started getting bigger and then there were tours and I don’t know.....I tried to understand. Anarbor would leave for tour and all I would have left was ballet to occupy my time because well.....you were gone.” I said pulling my hair into a high bun and biting my bottom lip.

“Are we still best friends?” She asked worry etched into her beautiful features. I laughed and wrapped my arms around her neck.

“Cause you could get rid of me that easily. I was just lonely....like all the time. I thought about texting you but then I just never did. Our scrapbooks are like permanent fixtures on the floor beside my bed.” I said leaning against the window and watching the night fly by in a blur. Her hand touched mine.

“I won’t leave you again. I promise.” Kay-Lynn said slowly. I nodded knowing she wasn’t lying.

Oli stumbled into the back about the time our serious moment ended. He landed on an opposing couch, smiling drunkenly.

“Kay-Lynn! Can we cuddle?” I laughed and watched her help him up and slip into his bunk. I didn’t know what her relationship with the Sykes’ brothers was but it was interesting.

The next pit stop I had slipped off the bus and back into the front seat of the van. It felt more like home than the large bus did. I drifted off to the sounds of their familiar snores that I had grown accustomed to at the many sleepovers.

“Adalynn? When the fuck did you get in here?” I stretched and opened my eyes to Slade peering over the seat at me.

“I don’t know....like three am or some shit. Those brit’s party all fucking night long.” I stretched my arms over my head and ruffled his hair. He laughed quietly and rubbed the first starts of a beard on his chin.

“I think I’m going to grow a beard.”

“I approve!” I said sitting up straighter in the seat and pulling the purple fleece blanket up on my body. He shook his head disbelieving.

“You hate beards. ’They’re sooo hipster, Slade. Go shave your face’.” I shrugged.

“You could work it. And I know you’re not a hipster.” I said giving him the best ‘duh’ look I could muster after ten minutes of being conscious.

In all reality, he had tried the beard before and he looked damn fine. I was 16 and my hormones were out of control and I almost cornered him on one occasion and jumped his bones. So why was I talking him into growing it again when I couldn’t avoid him? When I was going to be trapped in a dark van with an empty backseat? Cause I was insane.

“Why, Adalynn, did you just flirt with me?” Slade asked smirking. I laughed awkwardly.

“Noo! I just-Shut up Rudolph! Grow it, don’t grow it, not a big deal.” I said slipping sunglasses on my face and sticking my tongue out.

“You’re a child.” He said laughing and sitting back.

At the venue I changed and was setting up when Mike slid into the cramped space set up for merch people.

“Kitlas, what can I help you with?” I asked sitting the tip jar out on the counter and jumping up, my feet dangling two feet from the ground.

“First, how are you seeing over this thing? Do you need a chair with stilts?” I laughed and kicked at him.

“A chair would be nice. My feets hurt.” I pouted.

“I’ll tell Slade to come massage them. Speaking of Slade, actually, you flirting with home boy?” He asked playing with cigarette pack in his hands. I awkwardly laughed.

“No. What are you talking about. Shut up Mike.” I said pulling my phone out and reading the text about dinner later with Kay-Lynn.

“Adalynn. For real. What are you saying? The beard.”

“Beards are cool, Mike. Shut up. Go get Slade and make him rub my feet. It’s disgusting and I hate it but I don’t have any Advil. Go.” I said pointing to the staircase that led to their dressing room. He smirked and slipped up the stairs muttering about the truth.

I groaned and closed my eyes rubbing my temples. The only thing I could do at this point was hope that I got out of this tour mess free.

Welcome to day two of tour. Only sixty more to go.