You Spurn My Natural Emotions

[Trinity]

It had been one and a half years since we’d found out about our mother being alive. It had been one and a half years since we’d left New Jersey. It had been one and a half years since I’d left Mikey. It had been one and a half years since I smiled genuinely.

Peyton and I had driven around, looking desperately for ’12 Ward Street’. But none of the houses we found had a Nancy Freeman living there. None of them. But we continued going. We had to.

I guess it’s pretty obvious that I’ve returned to my lack-of-emotions state. If you’re wondering, Peyton has reverted to her I’ve-got-too-many-emotions state. Of course, we still have fun, leaving a trail of bar fights and broken hearts wherever we spend a month, but we haven’t had anything permanent for the last year and a half. No permanent accommodation, no permanent jobs, no permanent men. But it’s the best way.

It’s April now, and the sun is shining brightly. At the moment, we’ve just turned onto the Pacific Coast Highway from where we’ve been in Arizona, and the car roof is down to let some breeze in. So far, I’ve been driving for 7 hours with one bathroom stop. Peyton is fast asleep. Oops. Well, she was until I swerved sharply round that pick-up truck.

“Sorry doll,” I apologised, smiling weakly.

“S’okay,” Peyton mumbled, sitting upright.

My sister groggily rubbed her eyes, reaching forward to turn the radio on.

“O Rock 105.9, Orlando’s alternative. Melinda here. This next song is one of my personal favourites, and it’s for all you My Chemical Romance fans out there,”

I gripped the steering wheel tighter, but said nothing.

“Now I know that I can’t make you stay,
But where’s your heart?
But where’s your heart?
But where’s your...
And I know there’s nothing I can say,
To change that part,
To change that part,
To change...”

“Turn the fucking radio off,” I growled.

“But...”

“Turn it off!” I yelled, interrupting.

Peyton sighed, but did as I said, plunging us into silence.

“You’ve got to get over him at some point. You can’t act this way whenever something Mikey-related comes up. Especially not when that song wasn’t even about us. It’s been one and a half fucking years,” Peyton said sadly.

“I know. It just hurts,” I said shortly.

Peyton sighed, knowing I was trying to mask my emotions. We sat in silence for a little while longer, before she turned the radio back on again, quickly changing the station.

“ I tried my best to feed her appetite,
Keep her coming every night,
So hard to keep her satisfied,
Kept playing love like it was just a game,
Pretending to feel the same,
Then turn around and leave again.”

Are you fucking kidding me? I’m not listening to this!

“Change it,” I said angrily.

Peyton hesitated before doing so.

“There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay,
But that's not what gets me,
What hurts the most,
Was being so close,
And havin' so much to say,
And watchin' you walk away,
And never knowin',
What could've been,
And not seein' that lovin' you,
Is what I was tryin' to do,”

No freaking way. God really wants to fuck with my head today, huh?

A simple glare at the radio told Peyton I wanted her to change it. So she did. Quickly.

“I am no gentleman, I can be a prick.
And I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist,”

This time I turned the radio off myself. I gritted my teeth trying to control my anger. This is so unfair. What is the Big Man Upstairs trying to say? Ahh! I’m just glad my sister knows me as well as she does...because she stayed silent, letting me cool down before clearing her throat.

“What’s that beeping noise?” Peyton frowned.

I looked at the dashboard, breaking out of my trance.

“Fuck. There’s something wrong with the oil in the engine. I thought I could smell something funny. We’ll have to stop in the next town for a mechanic,” I sighed.

Then Peyton grinned, pointing.

“Hello Huntington Beach!” she giggled.

I looked around, a strange feeling coming over me. Like...I’d been here before.

“We haven’t already been here, have we?” I asked slowly.

“No...why?” Peyton mused.

“I feel like I’ve been here before. I don’t know why,” I muttered.

“Maybe you saw it on a TV show or something,” Peyton shrugged.

I just nodded, a little weirded out for my liking, not convinced by her reasoning at all. I must just be going delirious from the heat. It’s been a while since we’ve had anything but rain. Yeah, must be just delirious.

“Fancy staying here for a little longer than normal?” I asked before I could think.

Delirious and running my mouth? Jesus fuck!

“Really? You mean that?!” Peyton asked excitedly.

“Sure, why not,” I shrugged, too far into it now.

What could go wrong, right?

Peyton whooped, punching a fist into the air. I just chuckled, rolling my eyes.

“Huntington Beach here we come,” I murmured with a small smile, flicking the radio on and changing the station.

“Now I’m heels over head,
I’m hanging upside down,
Thinking how you left me for dead,
California bound.”