It's Time to Forget, but I'll Always Remember

“C-Capper,” I stuttered as I looked up at him.

He looked at me and then smiled. There’s something about that smile that makes me feel weak inside and even though I'm not proud of how it makes me feel, I still love seeing him smile. To tell you the truth he doesn’t usually do it that often. He tends to have his lips in a tight line. I hate that look. I love it when he smiles though.

“Hey,” he muttered as he started taking his PE clothes out of his bag.

Something about that really annoyed me. He wasn't looking at me properly anymore...maybe he’s nervous. I mean, he did sort of kiss me last night, didn’t he? Sure he said it was just a test, but if it was one, then what has he actually proved? That I like him? Or that he likes me...?

Why do things need to be so complicated?

“Capper,” I whispered.

There weren’t many people in the room yet, so I knew if I didn't want the few that were here to hear what we were saying, then I’d have to whisper.

“What?” he sighed, knowing what I wanted to ask him about already.

“Erm...” I desperately wanted to ask him about the kiss, but as soon as he said ‘what’ I started feeling nervous and just couldn’t bring myself to raise that subject. “Thanks for earlier,” I sighed, “at the park.”

“Oh,” he said sounding a bit shocked as he breathed out a sigh of relief. He must’ve thought I was going to ask about the kiss. “It was nothing,” he whispered, looking down at his clothes.

“Can we, er talk about last night?” I asked him.

I noticed him biting down on his lip. He was nervous.

“D-do we have to?” he asked me.

I almost said no to him then. It’s usual me who’d stuttering, not him, that must mean he doesn’t want me to know something, right? I mean why else would he be acting so nervous? Maybe he enjoyed that kiss just as much as I did.

“You kissed me,” I whispered, bringing my head towards my ear to be certain no one could hear me. Sure just whispering could of worked, but there are some very nosy people at this school and I'm pretty sure if they wanted to know what we were on about, they’d just about manage to hear parts of our conversation.

“It was just a test,” he mumbled as he pulled his shirt over his head.

For a few seconds I stared at him, wanting one more look at the scars across his chest. I don’t know what it was about them, but I loved seeing them there. Deep inside of him. At one point it had gone right inside...drawn blood. Is it wrong that I’d love to do something similar? I’m not on about with a knife either.

As much as I wanted to see them one more time, I couldn’t. He had another shirt on underneath his school shirt. It’s not cold outside yet, so that must mean he was only doing it to hide the marks. I can’t blame him though. Wait!

Crap!

Those same marks are on my chest. I don’t have anything to hide it. What if someone sees? Oh God.

My heart started racing and at one point I actually thought I was going to collapse. Suddenly I was feeling petrified. What would happen if someone saw scars like that on my body? Freshly made cuts!

What would Capper do if he saw?

I snapped out of my near panic attack when I saw Capper staring at me. His blue eyes looked deep into mine. He knew something was bothering me. I just can’t bring myself to tell him though.

“Are you alright?” he asked me, sounding more worried than I’ve ever heard him.

“F-fine,” I stuttered.

Okay, just calm down Cadence. Everything’s going to be fine. Take some deep breathes right now and convince him that you’re okay. I can do this.

“Look,” he whispered. “If you want to talk about this...we can,” he sighed. “But not here,” he mumbled, before carrying on changing into his PE kit.

I guess he was worried because he thought it was his fault I was acting like that just then. Does he really think I’d start panicking at the thought of him testing me? Seriously? Well, its better having him think that than getting a load of questions isn't it?

As he focused on getting his kit on, I decided to turn around so he couldn’t see the front of me. Quickly I pulled my shirt off and then as fast as I could I pulled my one for PE over my head. I turned back to face him, my heart was racing once more but I was almost certain that I got away with it. I was so wrong.

He stared at me wide-eyed. I almost started crying right there and then, but I didn't. Somehow I managed to compose myself, rather than break down in front of him.

Capper shook his head at me and then closed his eyes, holding them shut tightly.

“W-why?” he whispered, still having his eyes closed. He couldn’t even look at me.

I couldn’t understand why he was reacting like this. It’s not as if he hasn’t done the same thing. In fact he’s done the exact same thing. In many ways, how he’s done it is worse than anything I’ve ever even imagined doing to myself.

“I just...I can’t explain,” I whispered, too afraid to speak any louder.

He opened his eyes and then looked at me. They’d turned red and I knew he was angry at me, maybe even upset for me. He didn't need to be though...He shouldn’t be.

“You did it...b-because of me,” he sniffed lightly. “Didn't you?”

I could actually feel my heart breaking. He thinks this is his fault. It isn't! This had nothing to do with Capper.

“I kissed you and then...then you do this,” he looked down at the floor and sat down on the bench behind him. I now officially felt horrible. It wasn't because he kissed me. It was Grelle’s fault if anything...

No, I can’t blame Grelle for this. It was my fault. I just...I got upset and didn't know what else to do.

“It wasn't you Capper,” I told him softly, sitting down beside him.

I knew we were bound to be getting some really weird looks right now, but for some reason I no longer cared. I can take it now. And Capper means more to me than what anybody else thinks of us.

“I know it was,” he hissed. “You don’t need to lie just to keep me happy,” he said this time looking me in the eyes. “Tell me that you’d have still done it if you hadn’t seen what I’ve done.”

I looked at him and frowned. He was right.

“I would’ve,” I half lied.

If I didn't see Capper’s chest then I would’ve just left that all alone. I’d have kept to my wrists and my arms and never done anything more serious than that. Before Capper I didn't even know doing something like that was possible. That, however, doesn’t make this his fault. At some point in the future I know it would’ve happened anyway. I just know it would.

“No you wouldn't Cadence,” he sighed. “Look, maybe we should...” his voice trailed off and I knew he wanted to give what he was about to tell me a lot of thought. “Maybe we need a break from each other,” he muttered.

My jaw dropped open. He can’t do this to me! Heck we aren’t even together so how can he ask for a bloody break? It doesn’t make sense.

“We shouldn’t,” I sniffed, not wanting to be away from him anymore. Sure I used to hate the guys guts but now...I like, no, I love him.

“It’d be for the best,” he mumbled. “I’ll just hurt you even more.”

“Capper,” I begged him, taking his hand in mine. I don’t care anymore. If everyone in the school mocks me about this, I wouldn't care at all. I could get beat up day in, day out. But if Capper knows this, none of that will matter.

He shook his head at me, clearly not wanting to hear what I had to say, but he did give me one sign that he cared about me still. He didn't pull his hand away. He left it inside mine. That must mean something.

“Capper,” I said again, taking in a deep breath. “I love you.”