It's Time to Forget, but I'll Always Remember

Grelle’s P.O.V
“Fine! I wanted to end it all, is that want you want to hear? I wish I was dead!”

What the hell was that? I put down the book I was reading on the drawers next to my bed, walked towards the door and opened it to see Cadence slamming his bedroom door shut.

I sighed and looked down the stairs to see Sebastian giving Ciel a reassuring hug. Jesus, what’ve they done now? I started making my way down the stairs and I could see Ciel was beginning to tear up. I made it to the bottom and walked over to the couch; it was like second nature now.

They’d had arguments before and it had really annoyed me; the three of them just put each other in a bad mood which meant I had to go calm Cadence down while Sebastian sorted Ciel out. I found it a little annoying that I still had to play a “mothering figure” to Cadence, it was bad enough when we were in care.

He wouldn’t even try to talk to anyone else which meant that I had to stay with him all the time or he would just end up doing something stupid which would make me think that it was my fault. It started to get a little annoying but I just couldn’t bear to shout at him; he is my only remaining family.

I could tell he was having a much harder time than me getting over our parents death though. It would be a complete lie to say that I didn’t care, it’s just I try not to think about it as much.

I leant back, waiting for the other two to join me. This was just routine: I’d hear Cadence screaming or crying about something, he’d run to his room, Ciel and Sebastian would talk me over what had happened and would ask me if I’d go talk to him (which of course I would feel obliged to) and then he’d usually tell me everything.

Ciel took a seat next to me and Sebastian the one opposite. Sebastian heaved a sigh as Ciel leaned back as well, crossed his arms and closed his eyes. I assumed he was just trying to think things through in his head.

“I’m sorry that we keep asking you to do this Grelle, but you know he won’t open up to anyone but you” he spoke with a sincere voice. I already knew what he was going to ask me.

“I know, I know. And look, its fine. He’s obviously having trouble, I should be there as a brother to help him” Even if that does mean giving him pep talks every other night.

“Thank you Grelle” he smiled

“So what’s it about this time?” I asked

I had to admit I was a little curious. It was usually about something petty like Cadence asking them to stop being so “inappropriate” around him. I did scold him for that once, he didn’t have a right to tell them to stop expressing their love. Luckily he stopped after that but I had to admit, even I thought some of the things they did in front of us were sometimes just…gross. I mean, they didn’t have to use the tongue in public.

Though, the social workers warned us that they were gay; not that we minded. If anything I kind of felt like they were a mom and dad, Ciel being the overprotective mother of course.
“Did you know that he’d been…hurting himself?”

Knew? I’d know for ages! I walked in on him once, my first response of course being freaking out and yelling at him. Looking back on it I felt quite bad now, I’d not even asked him how he was; I just yanked him into the bathroom and scrubbed him clean. I swore I wouldn’t tell Sebastian or Ciel just as long as he promised not to do it again.

Well, he didn’t hold up on his side of the bargain so why should I?

“Yes, he started doing it since around 3 weeks ago”

They both turned to me and gaped.

“What?! And you didn’t even think about telling us!?” Ciel shrieked

Ah crap, I forgot about that.

“He asked me not to tell you so I didn’t” I said smoothly, crossing my arms

“Grelle, that is not an excuse” Ciel growled

“Of course it is!” I yelled “How the hell do you expect him to trust me if I don’t do what he asks?”

“Grelle, Ciel, please; we don’t want anymore shouting” Sebastian said in a hushed tone.

“Please, can you just tell him how we feel about it and ask him to stop doing it? And I’d like you to tell me if you ever catch him doing it again. No exceptions” he closed his eyes and rubbed them with the tips of his fingers.

“Also tell him that we love him, that he can talk to us and open up if he wants, but that we’ll never pressure him into to talking” He sounded just like a social worker, well, an actual good social worker, not like the ones that looked after us.

“Fine, but if he asks me not to say anything I’m keeping shmut, got it?”

“Yes, yes. Of course” Sebastian replied.

I stood up and started making my way up the stairs, thoughts of what I was going to say already swirling round my head. Ok, first I’ll start off with the “How are you?”s and I’ll have to keep my word and mention all that sentimental crap Sebastian said. Then I’ll get down to what’s really bothering him.

I knocked on the door, three times in the pattern I always did so he knew it was me, before waiting for a response.

“…come in” I heard a weak voice murmur.

I slowly opened the door to find Cadence sitting with his back leaning against the head frame of his bed with his knees up to his chest, cuddling his pillow and staring straight at me with watery eyes. I glanced at it to see that the pillow was damp with, what I hoped was, tears. Though, he’d rolled his sleeves up and I could see that there were no more marks on his wrist, so that eased my mind a bit.

I sat on the end of the bed, a little unsure of whether I should make the first move or not. An awkward silence fell so I decided I should start.

“Ok, I’ll get all the stuff that Sebastian said off my chest first” he turned and scowled at me.

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger” He smirked slightly. Well, at least I could still make him laugh.

“It went something along the lines of; they love you and disapprove of what you’re doing-“he rolled his eyes but I just ignored it”- and that you can talk to them if you want to but they’re never going to force you” I smiled, glad that I’d gotten the boring stuff out of the way.

I didn’t see any point in Sebastian making me say this every time though, it didn’t make the slightest of difference.

He looked down, quite uninterested, and snuggled his chin and mouth into the pillow.

“And now, I’d like you to tell me what this is I hear about you breaking a very important promise?” he gazed up, a guilty look in his eyes.

“Look, I’m not angry; I’m just a little upset” That and bloody petrified.

He closed his eyes which caused the tears to spill down his face.

“Come here” I whispered and opened my arms.

He crawled slowly along the bed and rested his head on my chest, pillow still locked in his arms. I wrapped my arms around his shoulder and brought him closer, he was shaking.

“I j-just got…scared” he hiccupped.

“It’s alright, everyone can get scared every once in a while. I just want to know why you hurt yourself because of it” This was going pretty well; he hadn’t told me to get out yet.

“I feel like…” he fell silent.

“Like?” I edged him on.

“Like I deserved it”

…what?

He’s never done a thing to hurt anyone in his life, why on earth would he think that he deserved it.

He glimpsed up at me and saw my expression.

“Pretty stupid huh?” he laughed.

Yes. Very. Very. Stupid.

He gasped as I flipped him round and pulled him into a tight hug.

I felt him tighten up slightly, after all, I was never the one that showed their emotions…not really anyway. I felt him fall limp as he rested his arms on my back and gripped my shoulders tightly.

“Please” I whispered “Don’t you ever think that anything was your fault”

When he whimpered and a fresh wave of tears started pouring down his face I knew that was the real reason.

He felt guilty.

…the idiot.