Denial.

All the sounds around me are blurring together. I can hear nothing but everything. My entire body is shaking with excitement and I don’t know what to do so I do the only thing that comes to mind, skate.

I go to my happy place, the skate park, and I stay there for hours, just skating. I don’t really focus on anything or think about what happened today because my heart isn’t ready for it, any of it. There’s just so much to take in and I’m not sure if all of this or good or not.

And when it’s dark, the park is closing, and the only thing lighting the sidewalks are the street lamps, I head home. I walk inside and mother says hello. I don’t know if I answered back because my eyes are staring at what’s in front of me and nothing else and my mind is no where to be found.

I walk up the steps. The boards creak beneath my feet and when I enter my bedroom, my legs finally give out and everything comes crashing in on me.

I fall to my knee’s and press my back against the door with my skate board in hand. I’m holding it against my chest as if it’s the most important thing in the world. My fingers grip the side and I’m surprised the board hasn’t broke from the amount of force I’m using. My mind is going haywire, taking in every single little thing that I’ve been told today.

My heart can’t stop skipping and my fingers are shaking against my board. Every thing is spinning around me, making my stomach twist and hop all over the place. I feel sick or maybe it’s not sickness, maybe it’s excitement? Or maybe it’s a bit of anger for Jordan not telling me sooner or maybe it’s sadness because I know that even if we do like one another, we can’t be together.

I take in a deep breath and exhale in hopes to keep myself from passing out right here and now. It doesn’t really help. I can’t believe this, any of it.

Jordan is…gay. We’re both gay. I like him. He likes me. We like each other. These thoughts make me bite my lip and nibble on the poor piece of flesh until it bleeds. This is all too much for me to take. I don’t know what to do or what to say.

What can I do? What can I say? There are just so many options but at the same time, none at all.

I’m not ready to admit I’m gay either. I’m not prepared to hear what my parents, my friends, what anyone has to say. I don’t want to lose them, any of them and neither does Jordan. We’re in the same situation. We want to keep the great things that we have and to do that we have to stay like this, in denial.

But how can we do that when we both know how the other feels? How can I go to school day after day knowing that Jordan likes me and that I like him and that we could be together and happy? Exactly, I can’t.

I can’t just pretend like I heard nothing. I can’t act like I don’t know how he feels or how he feels about me. I’ll slip, I just know I will. I have this feeling in my gut that everything is going to go horribly wrong if I just ignore all this and stay with being his friend, just a friend.

But if we are more than friends it’ll be hard not to jump him at school. Knowing that he is mine and mine alone will make me blush every moment I see him. It’ll make me want to hold him and kiss him because I’ve finally got him and it’ll make me want to killthat bitch Shelby every time she tries to touch him.I want to do that now but the feeling will just be stronger.

I tangle my fingers into my hair and lean forward. A head ache is coming on and it’s causing my head to pound. What am I going to do? I know what I want to do but what should I do?

I don’t know how long I sit here thinking things over and over in my head. It could have been a few minutes or a few hours but I make up my mind in the end and I get to my feet. I use all the courage I have to pick up the phone and dial his number.

It’s ringing in my ear, almost mockingly. Each ring has me sweating a little more, worried that he might not like the offer. But even if he doesn’t, I can live with it because…

My lips are still tingling from the kiss. I run my fingers across them like some obsessed high school girl. That thought doesn’t make me pull away though. If anything, it just makes me smile even more because I really am like an obsessed high school girl.

Jordan is always on my mind and that kiss…god, that kiss was as good as I thought it’d be. Feeling his lips against my own was the best feeling in the world. The taste of him is so addicting. Just the thought makes me squirm. Remembering the kiss makes my heart beat faster, limbs shake with excitement, and lips tingle. Only Jordan could make me feel this way.

“Hello?” His voice breaks me from thinking about that wonderful kiss and I’m praying to the God who probably hates me for what I am, for Jordan to agree with this because I want to kiss him again. I want to nibble on his lips and feel them against my own. I want him. I want all of him.

“Hey,” I whisper and I mentally smack myself for the breathiness in my voice.

“Dillon.” Maybe it’s just me but he sounds happy to hear from me. That sends a shiver down my spine.

“I’m not ready to give up everything either but…I don’t want to pass up the chance of us being together either so, if you want, we could keep it between us and I um…if that’s ok…I mean it’d just be nice-”

“Dillon,” Jordan chuckles, the sound making my cheeks heat up. I was just rambling wasn’t I? Shit.

I probably sounded like such an idiot, such a desperate dumb ass or something. He’s going to say no now! Stupid, stupid Dillon! I should have thought out what I was going to say before I called. Damn it! He’s going to say-

“Yeah, I‘d like that.”

My legs give out for the second time that night but thankfully my bed is behind me because I fall back onto it. I exhale the air I didn’t know I was holding in and smile as he repeats, “I’d really like that.”