Friendship is Another Word for Love

The past couple of weeks have been crazy, the Blackhawks had different appearances all over the city before they could leave for their summers. During those couple of weeks, I went to the doctor’s one last time just to make sure everything was going well before Patrick and I left for Buffalo. Every off season I would go to New York with Patrick for a couple of weeks. I love spending time with the Kane family, I got along with Pat’s sisters and his parents acted like my very own. After I would spend time with Patrick, I’d travel to Winnipeg to visit Jon, but not this year. This year I’m spending the entire summer in Buffalo with Patrick.

We were waiting to tell Pat’s family about the engagement and pregnancy until we got there. The morning after Patrick proposed and I told him the great news, we told Jazmynn. She was so excited to be a big sister, but she didn’t really understand Patrick and I getting married because in her eyes we were already together.

The sound of the front door opening and closing caught my attention. I sat up from my spot in bed where I had fallen asleep and waited for Patrick to come into the room. He had taken Jazmynn to the United Center for one final skate before the summer.

“Hey, babe.” Patrick smiled coming into the room and walking to my side of the bed and placing a kiss on my forehead. “How was your afternoon?”

I yawned. “It was quiet” I smiled. “I managed to fall asleep while packing.”

Patrick smiled. “Good, I’m glad. You need your rest.” I rolled my eyes at him, ever since I told Patrick I was pregnant he’s been making sure I get plenty of rest. I knew he was nervous and I knew he was just looking out for me, but I knew it was going to get annoying fast. I was going to want to kill him by the end of the ninth month, I just knew it.

“You look tired there. Did you have fun?”

I watched as Patrick pulled his hoodie over his head, causing his t-shirt to rise and expose his toned stomach. I bit my lip and let my gaze travel over his body. The littlest things Patrick does has been getting me all hot and bother. Like taking his hoodie off had me ready to jump his bones. Pregnancy was going to kill me.

Patrick crawled into bed and instantly wrapped his arm around my waist, resting his hand on my subtle baby bump. “Yeah I did. Jon and Jazmynn literally chased me around the ice.”

I smiled, Jazmynn took to skating so fast. She loved it the first time Patrick took her out on the ice after practice one day. She was better then most kids her age and she couldn’t wait to use the stick and gear Patrick and Jon had gotten her.

“So is she napping now?” I asked, since I hadn’t heard her when Patrick came in.

Patrick shook his head. “Nah, Jon took her out to lunch and a movie since he’s leaving tomorrow.”

I couldn’t keep the smile from forming on my face or the tears that filled my eyes. In the past three years I felt more like a part of a family here then I did since my parents passed away. Even when I had my parents I still didn’t feel like I had a family. I couldn’t be more happy that Jazmynn was so accepted in our circle of friends and I knew that the baby was going to be cared for no matter what.
Patrick looked down at me. “Babe, why are you crying?”

“Because I just couldn’t be more happy to be a part of such an amazing group of people. I forgot what it was like to be a part of a family and you and the rest of the team reminded me what it felt like. Now Jazmynn and our baby have so many wonderful people to look after them.”

Patrick placed a kiss on the top of my head. “Alyssa, you will always be a part of a family from now on. You’ve been a part of the Blackhawk family since the day we met and became friends.” He lifted my chin so I was looking up at him. “You will always be a part of a family from now on.”

I placed a kiss on his lips. “Cheesy much? But you’re right, I will be a part of a family from now on. No matter what. So are you ready to go home this weekend?”

The smile on his face was just as big as the one on his face the night he scored the overtime winner. “Yes I am. Everyone else is excited too, they can’t wait to spend more time with Jazmynn.”

“You know, I’m glad your family accepts Jaz, I don’t want her growing up like I did.” I told him.

Patrick chuckled. “Are you kidding? When I told mom about the adoption her exact words were ‘now I have a grandbaby to spoil’, and that was before I filed for adoption. Alyssa, you’re worrying over nothing.” He placed a chaste kiss on my lips. “Relax.”

I nodded and settled into his side. Worrying is what I do best, he of all people should know this. Growing up with parents who constantly fought and never having a relationship with my grandparents took a toll on me. Since then I always made sure people knew they were loved and cared for. No child have to ever live like that. Since my parents died five years ago, Donna and Pat Sr. have been like parents to me and they were Jazmynn’s only family. Even if there wasn’t anyone on my side of the family, Patrick’s parents would love our children enough. We also had the team behind us, because let’s face it, the Blackhawks are one giant family. Always looking out for one another and each other’s families. To me they were a group of big brothers.

I smiled to myself when Patrick’s breathing evened out, signaling he had fallen asleep. I laid my hand on my growing stomach and began rubbing small circles on it. I must have drifted off again because the next thing I knew there was a pounding on the door and the sun had shifted in the sky. I looked next to me and saw that Patrick was still asleep, so I easily got out of bed and made my way to the living room.

“Mommy!” Jazmynn yelled when I opened the door.

I laughed. “Well hello to you too. Did you have fun with Uncle Jon?” I asked her, picking her up and placing a kiss on her cheek.

“Yeah! We went to the King place and then saw Tangled and then we got ice cream.”

“Wow, it sounds like you had a busy day.” I said and she nodded, yawning. I chuckled. “Why don’t you go lay down with daddy? He’s sleeping in our room.” I set her down and she made her way to our room where she would no doubt curl up with Patrick and take a nap of her own…or I hoped. I looked at Jon and smiled, he looked tired. “Thanks for taking her out, I know she really enjoyed it and I really appreciate it.” I told him sitting on the couch.

He smiled. “I had a great time too. I love spending time with her. Plus, I’m going to miss her over the summer. I’d ask if you are coming up, but I already know the answer to that one.”

I almost felt guilty because I’ve been doing that for three years now, it was sorta our thing. “Not this time, sorry Jon. If it wasn’t such a big trip for Pat and I you know I would, especially since you’ll have the Cup.”

He shrugged. “Hey, no big deal. We’ll still talk to one another. You may change your mind, might get annoyed with Kaner.”

I chuckled. “Oh no doubt about that. So is Katy planning on visiting at all this summer?” The two of them have been inseparable since the day I told Jon to ask her to a game at the beginning of playoffs. They both deny they are a couple, but they so are. It’s adorable and I’m happy for both of them.

“She’s thinking about it, I’d really like her to, if just for a little bit.”

“I don’t think you need to worry. She’ll be there for you, I know she will.”

Jonathan took a seat on the couch. “So how are you doing, Alyssa?”

I sat next to him, tucking my feet under me. “I’m doing good, a bit nervous to tell Donna and Pat Sr. about the engagement and pregnancy.”

“Why are you nervous? I know for a fact that Donna and Pat love you and will be thrilled to hear that Patrick has settled down. They already love Jazmynn, why wouldn’t they love your other baby?”

I smiled at Jon, I liked how he said my other baby, like I had given birth to Jazmynn instead of adopted her. He had a point though, Donna and Pat knew me already and knew I got along with Patrick and they did already love Jazmynn like she was their own flesh and blood. I was worrying about nothing again.

“So Captain, any plans for the Cup this summer?”

Jon went on about his plans for the Cup this summer and his other plans as well. He really wanted Katy to come visit him so he could show her his home town. He also said something about coming to New York for a couple of days to see me if I wasn’t able to visit him, which probably wouldn’t happen. Two hours later, Patrick and Jazmynn woke up from their naps and joined Jon and I in the dining room where we were drinking coffee.

“Hey Tazer, what are you doing here?” Patrick asked, wrapping his arms around my shoulders from behind my chair.

Jon smiled at his best friend. “Just getting my fill of Alyssa before I leave.” He smirked. “Speaking of leaving, I need to go. I have dinner with Katy tonight and I need to go to the store.”

“Well I was going to offer you dinner, but I don’t want to intervene with your plans. Have fun tonight Jon and call me when you land tomorrow?” I said, wrapping him in a hug.

“You know I will. Have fun with Kaner and just remember if you get sick of him I’m just a plane ride away.” He winked. “Kaner, take girl of my girls this summer, eh? We need them just as healthy as you when the season starts up again, especially Alyssa.” He gave Patrick a typical bro hug. “Have fun with the Cup and don’t do anything too stupid with it.” He went into the living room to say goodbye to Jazmynn who didn’t want him to leave. It took us ten minutes to get her to let go of Jon and another five before he was out the door.

I held Jazmynn as she watched Jonathan drive away with one last wave. “It’s alright, Jaz. You’ll see Uncle Jon soon enough. He has to go home and see his mommy and daddy and brother.”

She sniffed. “Grandma and Grandpa Toes?” She asked, butchering Jon’s last name.

“Yep, he isn’t lucky like you and get to spend all the time with his mommy and daddy so he visits them whenever he can. Just like how we are going to visit Grandma and Grandpa in a couple of days, daddy misses them too.” I explained to her.

She sniffed again and buried her head in my neck. “Mommy, no leave okay?” She said in a small voice.

Tears burned my eyes and I placed a kiss on her exposed cheek. “Never, baby girl. I’ll always be here.”

“Daddy too?”

“Yes daddy too, but you know he has to leave to play hockey. He always comes back though.”

“I’ll always come back to you.” Patrick said, coming up next to me. “You don’t have to worry about loosing us. Like mommy said, Jon will be back. He just has to go see his mommy and daddy.”

She nodded still sniffing. “Okay. Can I go play?”

I set her down and placed a kiss on her cheek. “Go ahead, I’ll come get you when dinner is done.” I watched her take off for her room without another word. I sighed and went to the kitchen to start dinner. Never before have I thought about how being in an orphanage has effected Jazmynn until just a little while ago. In the home she’d grow attached to friends and occasionally those friends would leave and never come back. She was young and got attached to people easily and the breakdown with Jon just proved that.

“Alyssa,” Patrick said quietly coming up behind me. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I said.

“Are you sure?” Because you’ve been filling the same pot for five minutes now.

I looked in the sink and saw that the pot was overflowing and the faucet was still on. I quickly shut the water off and dumped some of the water out of the pot before setting it on the stove top.

“Lys,” Patrick whispered, placing a hand on my shoulder

I turned to face him, but didn’t say anything. I knew he saw the tears in my eyes as I just stared at him.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked, wiping away some of the tears.

“I never thought how much someone leaving would affect her.” I whispered, leaning my head on his chest.

He slowly rubbed my back. “She’s young, everyone who leaves is going to upset her. She knows Jon is going to come back, but it’s just the first thought of someone leaving that upsets her.”

“You don’t think she has separation anxiety?”

He shrugged. “No, I don’t think so. You have to remember, she’s been around us and Jon for a long time now. We are her norm and Jon leaving messed with it. Give her time, she’ll get over it.”

I pulled back and looked up at him. “When did you get all insightful?”

Patrick blushed. “I wish I could take the credit, but I talked to my mom about it the other day.”

I kissed him. “Well I appreciate it, I’m just worried.”

He nodded. “It’s what you do.” He said. “You don’t need to worry about anything, everything will be fine.”

I went back to making dinner and let Patrick’s words sink in. He was right Patrick, my self and even the team are the only things that Jazmynn has known for the past ten months, we are what she’s familiar with. I knew that any change right now was going to seem drastic in her eyes. Just then a thought hit me, there is going to be a baby in just seven and half months. How was Jazmynn really going to act when it came? Right now she’s excited that she’s going to be a big sister, but I know she doesn’t understand that we won’t be able to spend as much time with her. I sighed and pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind, I had other things to worry about right now.

“Pat,” I called. “Can you get Jaz cleaned up? Dinner’s about ready.”

Dinner was quiet, we talked about our trip to Buffalo that we were leaving for in two days. Patrick was excited to see his parents and sisters and I was too. Jazmynn was excited to get to go to a new place for the first time.

“Mommy,” Jazmynn called.

“Yes, baby girl?”

“Hows come we never see you mommy and daddy?”

Patrick looked up at me, worry clearly written on his face. I smiled at my daughter. “Because I don’t have a mommy and daddy like you and daddy do.” I said ignoring the familiar ache in my chest and the burning in my eyes.

“No mommy and daddy?” She asked in a shaky voice.

I sadly shook my head and looked down at my dinner, suddenly not hungry anymore. I heard Patrick’s chair scratch on the hardwood floor and looked up at him. He knew what I was feeling and gave me a tight smile before declaring that it was bath time for Jazmynn. Once the two of them left the room, I continued to sit at the table and stare off. I had to know that Jazmynn would ask about my parents sooner or later. She was a smart girl and knew that she only saw Patrick’s parents and occasionally Jon’s. In a trance-like state, I got up from the table and began cleaning up dinner and the kitchen. Once I was finished I made my way to the bedroom, but stopped outside of the bathroom.

“Daddy, is mommy mad at me?” Jazmynn asked Patrick in a small voice. I could see her through the crack in the door and she was looking down at gently pushing the bubbles in the tube around. It broke my heart to see that she was so upset about this.

Patrick sighed, causing his shoulders to rise and fall. “Not at all, she’s just sad. She misses her mommy and daddy.” He told her.

“I no like when mommy is sad.”

“Me either, sweetie. How ‘bout we do something special for her when we get to New York? We can even get Eric, Jessica, and Jackie to help us. How’s that sound?”

I heard Jazmynn cheer and splash around. I smiled wondering what the ‘something special’ could be. I continued my way to the bedroom and went right for the closet where I had a box of pictures. I sat on the floor of the closet and looked through them, smiling at all the wonderful memories I had tied to them, but I also remembered the not so wonderful memories of my family. The nights of lying in my bed listening to my mom and dad yell drunkenly at each other. These pictures are what everyone saw us as, a happy family, and we were…at times. But my parents still loved me and I loved them no matter what they were doing. As I came to the last picture in the box, tears filled my eyes. It was my sweet sixteen and it was also the last time I saw my parents alive. They had gone out that night with a couple of friends and drove home drunk, but they never made it home. They hit a tree just a mile from my house. I remember that I had heard the sirens from my room and wondering what had happened. I soon found out though.

I continued to sit on the floor and stare at the picture. “I miss you guys so much.” I whispered.

The sound of the tub draining caught my attention and then I heard little feet running down the hallway. Jazmynn came rushing into our room and jumped right in my lap. I was engulfed in the scent of grapes. “You smell good enough to eat.” I told her, even though the scent made me want to gag.

She giggled and hugged me. “Silly mommy! You no eat me.”

“Really? Then what am I supposed to do?”

“Kiss me!” She cheered. I did just that and hugged her tightly. “I love you, sweetheart.”

“Love you, too mommy. Night.”

Patrick picked Jazmynn up and carried her to her room. I pulled myself off the floor and put all the pictures but the one in my hand away. I placed that one on the nightstand next to the bed and climbed in. Five minutes later Patrick came back into the room and finished getting his bag together for our trip. He didn’t say anything until he was climbing into bed next to me.

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly, wrapping his arm around my waist.

“I’m fine. I knew she was going to ask about them sooner or later. I was pushing for the later.” I whispered the last part. “I’m fine, I promise.”

“Lys, I know you were crying when we came in here.”

“That’s because I was just looking at pictures of them. Pat, I’ve accepted the fact that my parents are dead a long time ago, but it’s not me I’m sad for. It’s Jazmynn and the baby. They are only going to grow up with one set of grandparents.” I shrugged, “That’s more than I had though, so maybe it’s okay.”

Patrick leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Everything will be okay. Jazmynn will understand in time and my parents will be the best grandparents our kids will ever have.”

I chuckled. “They’ll be their only grandparents.”

“Details.” He smiled. “You know I’m here if you ever need to talk. I love you, Alyssa.”

I tightened my hand that was holding his. “I know and I love you too.”

Patrick let out a rather loud yawn and before long the room was filled with Patrick’s light snores. I on the other hand laid there and looked at the ceiling. My mind was racing at a hundred miles per hour and I couldn’t stop it. I tired pushing all the negative thoughts out and just focusing on our trip and the baby. I placed my free hand on my stomach and rubbed tiny circles on it. Eventually I managed to fall asleep.