Someone out There Loves You

“Why is there so much snow?” Monster whined.
“It is too cold for you to bitch!” Molly yelled.
I laughed. “Holy shit, déjà vu.”
We were on our way to a ski resort just outside of Denver, where MTV was planning to meet us this week.
“If we go skiing,” Monster said, “I’m going to cry.”
“I would kill to see that!” Drew said.
“Monster, you have absolutely no reason to be freaked out.” I pointed to his head. “You can use that ginger mass that is your hair as a helmet.”
Monster fluffed his hair. “I shall not misuse and abuse the beauty that is the Ginger Danger.”
“’Ginger Danger’?” Molly said skeptically.
“Believe it or not,” I said, “That’s how he’s referred to it for ages. He used it the first day we met, when we were getting together.”
“He said ‘Ginger Danger’ and you still let him in the band?”
“Yes. But you have to give it some thought. Then you will see how awesome it is.”
Molly sat forward a bit and inspected Monster’s hair, nodding. “Yeah, it kind of is.”
“Exactly.”
“We’re here!” Levi ran into the lounge from the front of the bus, where he’d been ever since Yoda told us where we were going. “WE’RE HERE WE’RE HERE WE’RE—“
“We heard you,” Mark said flatly.
See now, Levi loves snow. Loves snow. Probably why he moved to the Midwest when he left home (he didn’t exactly have enough money to get himself to Alaska). As for the rest of us, it didn’t excite us in the least. It was six months of the year to us Barrington dwellers, where the snow plows like to sleep as late as possible, allowing us to build an infinite amount of snowmen before noon.
The band threw on all our snow gear. Molly had had hers on since we crossed the fucking state border. New Jersey could get pretty cold, but not this cold. To us this was warm, considering those from the Midwest still found the 50 degree range shorts weather.
We jumped off the bus, and Levi immediately ran off, throwing his arms in the air with joy. He slammed down on his face into an untouched mass of snow, rolling over and making a snow angel.
“Iiiiiiii’m, dreamiiiing, of a whiiiiiiite, toooooour!” He spread his appendages as far as they would go. “Juuuust liiike—“
I couldn’t help it. I ran over and bodyslammed him further into the snow. This, of course, began a huge snowball fight. When The Used got there, it grew.
When Green Day arrived, on the other hand, everyone started laughing.
Mike and Tre looked completely normal for Colorado—coats, hats, gloves. Billie was wearing everything REI had in stock.
“I do not like snow,” he huffed. “I do not like it.”
I started poking him in the fluff where his stomach should be. “Would you like it in a box, would you like it with a fox?”
“Fuck off, Shier.”
“Ah ah ah, Shier I Am! Get it right, pansy.”
“I hate you.”

The Ginger Danger was psychic.
Ray apparently loved to ski, so he was helping me figure out how to get my skiis on. Meanwhile, Billie and Monster were clutching onto each other for dear life.
Seriously. They were in the corner hugging each other as tight as humanly possible. Levi was filming it. Molly was just sitting there complaining to Frank.
“Why can’t I just wait on the bus? It’s too cold.”
“Because I said so.”
“That is the worst reason in the world.”
Frank grinned mischievously. “Yeah, but I’m a parent now, and I’ve been dying to use it as often as I can.”
“What did I ever do to you?”
“You wouldn’t shut up about the heat in New Mexico, for one.”
“Extreme temperatures suck.”
Frank clapped her on the shoulder. “Tough.”
Ray had finally clicked me in place. “Okay, you’re good to go.”
“Thanks, Ray.”
Levi whipped the camera around in my direction. “Feeling confident, Clayah?”
“Pff, absolutely.” I pushed myself up off the bench and took a step toward Levi. And promptly fell over. Molly stopped bitching and started laughing.
I pointed at her. “Fuck you.”
“HA HA, I FEEL LIKE A DUCK!” Bert was walking toward the group, making huge dramatic steps. “This is how walking should always be.”
“Then you would have one toned ass.” Gerard duck-walked up beside him.
“Like you’d mind. Then we’d be twinners.” Bert slapped Gerard’s ass.
“Keep it PG, fellas.” Matt came up to us. Well, tried. He was sinking into the snow with every step. I grinned. Ah, Californians…
“Here.” Drew slid up beside him (on her skiis) and pulled him out of the snow. “The trick is to go across the snow as fast as possible. Then you can’t sink.”
“Oh… right. Got it. Thanks.”
Before we started filming the short interview, Molly weaseled a bit of cash out of Frank for hot chocolate. This started everyone else on wanting some (spare me, Gerard, and Mikey, who wanted coffee), which started drama.
“You three,” Quinn said, shaking his head and smiling. “What is it with you and coffee?”
I knew everyone was trying to get us to smile and speak again. It had been two days since I talked to Gerard and Mikey, and I wasn’t going to start now. Not until I got an apology. Honestly, at this point I kept myself looking for Barnabus; I still felt bad about the other night, but I also just wanted to piss the Way brothers off. But I couldn’t find Barnabus anywhere. Which creeped me out more that having him around.
After Matt chatted with us a little bit, everyone slid their way over to the ski lifts. The camera guy kept filming—only because Monster and Billie looked hilarious. They had skiis on now, but they were holding each others hands, all the while trying to catch up to Ray.
“Guys, skiing isn’t that bad,” Ray told them. “Just chill out, you’ll be fine.”
“But you know how to ski already!” Monster said, wobbling a bit.
“Monster, you can just use your hair as a helmet,” Ray said.
“WHO CALLED IT, I CALLED IT?!” I screamed, pumping my fists. Which caused me to fall back on my butt.
“Karma!” Monster yelled behind him.
Someone behind me started to help me up. I had no peripherals thanks to my ski goggles, so I didn’t know who I was saying ‘thank you’ too.
“Oh, now you talk to me.”
I turned my head to see Mikey steadying himself again after helping me up. I frowned. “Only because I didn’t know it was you.”
“Clayah, come on—“
“Mikey, the only thing I want to hear from you is an apology. You and Gerard both.”
“We were only trying to help.”
“Help WHAT? It was just freaking Barnabus! He’s been tracking us for ages, and he’s never caused any more harm than paranoia. Speaking of which, I would also like an explanation from the two of you as to why you act paranoid.”
“Well it’s not like we don’t worry about Molly, too. She’s only sixteen.”
“So’s Drew, and you don’t freak out about her.”
“Drew’s tough.”
“Oh, and I’m not?”
“GUYS!” Jeph called. “YOU’RE GONNA MISS THE LIFT!”
I slid myself over the snow toward the lifts, leaving Mikey behind me.

She hated me. The only reason I was still keeping my sanity hated me.
I hung my head, looking down at my skiis (and I’m pretty sure the feet were mixed up). I will admit Gerard and I may have been a bit intense. Okay, a lot intense. But it was only because we loved her. Clayah just… didn’t understand it. And I had yet to grow the pair to say anything. And all the while she and I were getting closer. She and Gerard even seemed closer when we got to New Mexico, God knows why. And she was still in the dark.
“Mikey!” Frank slid up next to me. “Haul ass, dude.”
I shrugged and started to move forward, Frank following.
“…You guys talked, huh?” he said. I nodded.
Frank sighed. “I know Mollers freaked out pretty hard the other night—“
“Yeah, great parenting there, man.”
Frank held up his finger, pointing at me, threatening. “But she is right.”
“Oh, God, not you too!”
“Mikey, I would kill to have had even one extra day with Molly.” He shook his head solemnly. “If Clayah does start out angry, she’ll cool off. I mean, I cooled off from the shock, didn’t I?”
“But Molly’s your daughter, not your sister. There’s a difference. Plus we’ve known about Clayah’s existence ever since the day she was born.”
“Exactly my point,” Frank nodded. “And you’ve already given up fourteen years… I personally don’t understand how you can even sacrifice all the time you have so far on this tour.”
“I call it getting to know her,” I said, somewhat fiercely.
“I call it fucking idiotic.” Frank skiied in front of me, blocking my path so I was forced to look at him. “Look. I love you and Gerard like family. We are family, dammit. And that means Clayah is, too. I’ve hardly known her and I love her to bits. She and Molly are fucking best friends already!”
“Frank…” I looked at the ground. “The day I let Clayah go was the hardest day of my life. Having her mad at me now is killing me. To have her hate me for lying to her… I just couldn’t take it.”
“But better she be mad for a day than oblivious for her whole life. Besides, now that that little creepster knows he will stop at nothing to tell her. Like Molly said: if Barnabus gets there first, Clayah will totally hate you.”
“How comforting.”
“Fuck comforting, I’m keeping you in reality, Mikey. I do this because I love you and Gerard and Clayah.” He shrugged. “And because I love you and Gerard, it would pain me to see my flesh and blood roast you on a spit and feed you to a rabid giraffe.”
I gave him a sideways glance. “Do you spend your nights dreaming this shit up?”
He grinned and winked. “That’s for me to know. Now c’mon, hurry up. I absolutely have to see Billie and Monster go down that hill.”

I absolutely loved seeing Billie and Monster go down that hill.
The camera guys followed on snowmobiles down the hill while everyone skiied. Drummers went first: Dan wiped out 30 seconds down the hill. Tre made it halfway before unintentionally steering himself into a tree to avoid a random-ass bunny that somehow found it’s way onto the hill. Drew raced her ass down the hill as fast as she could… which led her to catch the front of the skiis on a hidden block of ice and flip in mid air. Nearly dislocated her shoulder; Mike managed to pop it back the small amount it needed to be. Bless that man.
Bassists went next. Mikey pretty much just gave himself a hug and hoped for the best—I don’t think his poles even touched the ground after push off. But somehow he lasted the longest and made it three fourths of the way down the hill before wiping out. Mike had actually skiied multiple times in his life, and put us all to shame with some swift, graceful turns (and even a couple easy tricks), making it all the way to the bottom of the hill.
Levi and Jeph yelled to each other, trash talking. They eventually slammed into each other a third of the way down. It was wonderful.
Based on the fact that two out of four bands only had one guitarist, we just sent them all down at once. Ray was against this completely.
“Make Billie and Monster go down before me, please,” he begged. “I love them both but today is not a good day to die.”
“Ray,” I said (taking a couple steps back so he would release my shoulders), “It’s a race. Everyone’s launching at once.” I clapped a hand on his arm. “You’re fucked.”
Everyone else was as close as they could possibly get when the guitarists were in position. Levi and Jeph had started up a rivalry between Rush And Ruin and The Used, so now Mark and Quinn were trash talking. Monster would’ve been in on it, too, if he and Billie weren’t whimpering.
No, seriously, they were. Like puppies. Frank could barely launch himself he was laughing so goddamn hard.
“I don’t wanna do this,” Monster cried. “Can I skip?” Ray quietly reminded him that, indirectly by ticket and album sales, we were getting paid for this.
“I do not like snow, I do not like snow,” Billie said. His knees were shaking so hard I swore he was going to break his ankles as they were confined in his skiis.
When they were about to push off, Jeph and I decided to be mean. We knew Monster and Billie were never going to go on their own. So we went to lend a helping hand.
“Ready…” Matt said. “Set… GO!”
At that moment, when all the other guitarists had started, Jeph and I ran up behind Billie and Monster. And shoved them down.
They started to scream like schoolgirls.
The momentum they had gathered pulled the two apart, and they attempted to grasp for each others hands without falling. This flailing increased their velocity. Severely.
Ray was ahead of everyone else, not to anyone’s surprise. But within 15 seconds, Billie and Monster had passed up Mark and Quinn.
“HOLY SHIT,” Ray screamed. “IF YOU TWO COME ANYWHERE NEAR ME YOU WILL DIE.”
But by then it was too late. Billie and Monster gave up on trying to grab for each other and tried to steer themselves right behind Ray. Ray stabbed his poles into the snow and gave his all to go faster.
Monster was coming up faster than Billie was. For someone who had never skiied before, Monster was steering pretty well. When he was close enough, he just plain dropped his poles and let his skiis intertwine with Ray’s.
“DUDE!” Ray yelled. “UNHOOK FROM ME, WE’RE GONNA WIPE OUT.”
Monster had his arms wrapped around Ray’s belly. “Oh my God don’tmakemeletgodon’tmakemeletgo!!!”
“GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!!”
Adding insult to injury, Billie joined the party and had his arms wrapped around Monster’s torso.
“GOD OR WHOEVER, I AM SO FUCKING SORRY FOR EVERY SIN I HAVE ever COMMITED, BUT PLEASE DON’T LET ME DIE IN THE DAMN SNOW.”
Ray was yelling, Monster was alternating between rejoicing and screaming, and Billie was getting as close to praying as he could possibly manage.
At the top of the hill all the snow was stained brown from the coffee and hot chocolate that had been dropped while we laughed our asses off.
“IF YOU DON’T WANT TO DIE IN THE SNOW, BILLIE,” Ray yelled, “LET GO OF MONSTER AND LET YOURSELF WIPE OUT.”
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!”
“IF YOU DON’T WIPE OUT NOW WE’RE ALL GONNA LAND IN THE HOSPITAL.”
“BUT… BUT… THERE’S ICE AND SHIT! I MAY BEEN GOING ON FORTY BUT I AM STILL TO YOUNG TO FEEL MY SCROTUM SPLIT.”
“OH MY GODDDDD…..” Monster cried. “NOW I’M SCARED AND MY BALLS HURT!!”
“BOTH OF YOU WIPE OUT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.”
“NO!” Billie would not negotiate. “I AM MUCH SAFER HERE THEN WIPING OUT.”
“WHERE DO YOU GET THAT LOGIC?!”
“I’M WITH THE TWO BIGGIST COLLECTIONS OF HAIR I’VE EVER SEEN. I AM THE LEAST LIKELY PERSON IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW TO EXPIERIANCE BRAIN DAMAGE.”
Ray gave up. He swung his elbow back into Monster’s gut. Monster screamed even more and went to grab his stomach, which gave Ray the opportunity to swerve left and speed up.
Now Billie and Monster were stuck together and headed straight for a huge collection of brush on the edge of the path’s boundary line.
“WIPE OUT WIPE OUT WIPE OUT!!!” Monster screamed even higher.
“NO WAY, MAN.”
“DAMMIT!”
As a last resort, Monster gave himself a huge push backward. This gave a domino effect and pushed Billie down, and everyone at the top of the hill watched as they—still stuck together—spun in fast circles and right into the brush. This then sent them tumbling and rolling into the small woods before they finally slammed into a tree and stopped.
“ARE WE DEAD?” Monster screamed. “I DON’T WANNA OPEN MY EYES BECAUSE I THINK I MAY HAVE LANDED MYSELF IN HELL AND HELL DOESN’T LOOK PRETTY IN ALL THE PICTURE BOOKS.”
“OH, LIKE I’M GONNA OPEN MY EYES, YOU STUPID GINGER!”
We saw Monster sit up behind the brush and scoff. “I beg your pardon, but what does my hair color… HOLY GOD WE’RE ALIVE.”

Since Billie was Green Day’s guitarist and vocalist the plan was to make him go down the hill twice. This of course did not happen.
I’d never been afraid of snow. Then again I’d never been skiing. But as I stood looking down that hill, I swore I was about to puke up every single one of my essential internal organs.
“You okay?” Gerard slid up beside me.
“Peachy.”
Gerard’s jaw dropped melodramatically. “Mikey speaks the truth, you are talking to us!”
“Do not start with me, Gerard.”
He was quite for a minute. “I’m sorry.”
I was taken aback. The apology sort of came out of nowhere; unless Gerard was anticipating death.
“I overreacted. A lot. I just… I worry. You’re only fourteen, and Barnabus is, what, seventeen?”
I couldn’t help but start laughing. Rather violently, but maybe that was nerves. “Gerard,” I said, gasping, “Barnabus is only thirteen.”
I saw Gerard’s eyes widen beneath his goggles. “You’re joking.”
“Not in the least.”
“Oh… then I’m really sorry.”
I smiled. He and Mikey may have freaked out about the little things, and I didn’t know why, but it was nice to know that they cared.
“Apology accepted.”
Bert skiied up next to me, frowning. “I just realized,” he pouted, “That I can’t walk like a duck down this hill, can I?”
“Oh,” I said, “I will give you a dollar if you try.”
“Make it two.”
“One fifty.”
“Sold.”
“Ready…” Matt started again. “Set… GO!”
I paused for a moment, still bracing myself. Until I felt two sets of hands shove me down. I screamed, and turned my head a bit behind me to see what had happened before I gained full speed.
There stood Monster and Billie, giving each other high fives.
“BASTARDS!! I FUCKING HATE YOU BOTH!!”
Lucky for me, immediately after I finished my sentence, I saw a ski pole swipe them by the ankles and knock their faces flat in the snow.
“YOU’RE WELCOME, “ Molly called, “AND DON’T DIE.”

After we were done skiing, everyone was drenched. Except for Billie. Even with his traumatic experience, he had had so much gear on him that his clothes beneath were perfectly dry, spare sweat.
He, Monster, and Mollers had gotten into a violent snow fight while Bert, Gerard, and I were speeding down the hill. This got Molly’s jeans very wet.
This made Molly very very very bitchy.
We got ourselves back to our buses after drying off a bit indoors, leaving just in time before the resort kicked us out. The cup of coffee I was replenished with sort of tasted like ass, but it was hot ass, and… okay, that sounded strange. Point: I was cold. Ass Coffee was hot. Figure it out.
I was about to step up onto our bus behind the grumbling Mollers (“Damn fucking evil condensation that makes me wet and numb and angered, damn it to HELL and back and back to hell…”) when Gerard and Mikey caught me.
Mikey gave his half of the apology. “We promise it won’t ever happen again,” he said.
“Seriously,” Gerard said stiffly. “It won’t.”
I raised an eyebrow. “And what exactly do you mean by that?”
“Uhm… uh, Barnabus pissed off security when he snuck backstage the other night,” Mikey said. “They’re keeping an eye out for him. That bit of it wasn’t our fault. Honest.”
I shrugged. “Understandable.” I opened my arms and gave the brothers a hug. “I don’t know why I’m saying it…. but thank you guys. You didn’t mean any harm. And I know it’s because you care.”
As the three of us hugged each other, something inside me itched. Whatever was going on that I was unaware of wasn’t going to be weaseled out of anyone easily. I knew Molly didn’t know; if it was something huge I trusted she would’ve told me by now.
Deep down, I was sure:
Barnabus Copple knew what it was.
And everyone was going to do whatever possible to hide it from me.