Jasey Rae

ALEX

“Would you stop moping already?” Rian asked, plopping down next to me on the couch. I was still irked at him about the coke thing. Whatever. I’m a grudge holder.

“I’m not moping,” I grumbled. Lie. “Why the hell would I be moping?”

“Because you’re a woman?” Zack said, around a mouthful of Cheetos.

“Is he on his man-period again?” Jack sat down next to Zack and tried to steal some of his Cheetos, earning a punch to the gut. “Oof! Damn, Hulk-zilla. Calm the fuck down. It’s just food! Do you see how skinny I am? You should be sharing and caring!” Zack shrugged in reply.

“Seriously, man. Cheer up. She’s still in town tomorrow, you know. You could talk to her then.”

I looked up at the TV, trying to ignore Rian. “There’s nothing that needs to be said. It’s not a big deal. I’m not moping.”

“I’m just saying… It’s been a few years… Maybe she-”

“Maybe she what, Rian?” I shouted. I stood up and ran a hand through my hair. “Maybe she what? Forgot? Forgot that I completely fucked her over? You don’t forget shit like that. She wouldn’t even look at me today, okay? There’s nothing that needs to be said and there’s nothing that can be said. I can’t take back what I did and no amount of words will change it. Don’t act like you don’t know her, Rian.” My voice cracked a bit and I inhaled deeply through my nose. “I did the math, it’s been practically two fucking years since I last saw her, five fucking years since I first met her. You’ve known her as long as I’ve known her and you know how fucking stubborn she is, how she doesn’t forget anything, how she doesn’t ever stop talking or thinking and how-” I just shut up and shut my eyes not wanting to talk anymore before I said something stupid. “I’m going back to my bunk.”

The bus was silent and I walked away from the front lounge, letting out a deep sigh that left my chest feeling hollow. Shit. All I could do was crawl into my bunk, pull the covers up over my head and shut my eyes. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I hit my forehead against the bunk wall repeatedly while mentally screaming at myself. “Dan,” I said to myself internally. “I need help, bro. I fucked up and now it’s come back to bite me in the ass. You were right…” I shut my eyes tighter, trying to will away the image of the last time I saw my brother, the image of the last time I saw Jasey before today. “Why did I fuck everything up?” I said to Daniel inside my head. “She hates me. She hates me. I took the best thing that could ever happen to me and killed it. Dan, why am I such a fucking retard?”

She really was the best fucking thing that could ever happen to me. I’d heard people say it before and rolled my eyes because I mean, who says that? That’s cheesier than the lines I use in my songs. But she was unpredictable and difficult and stubborn and… fuck…

“What’re you doing here?” I’d said, laughing in the darkness. I was helping Jasey into my room through the window. It was two am. “Did you really just climb up my tree? I thought you were a fucking murder or something for a second.”

Jasey smiled and wrapped her arms around my waist. We’d been going out for a year and two months then. “Happy to see me?”

“Dear God, yes.” I kissed the top of her head and sat on the edge of my bed. She sat on my lap and I kissed her gently. “So, you didn’t say. What’re you doing here?”

“I couldn’t wait to see you,” she said, smiling. “You were gone all week.”

“Yeah well, I had a few gigs to go to, you know that.” I pushed her bangs from her eyes and kissed her cheek. “You couldn’t wait till morning? I was gonna come over.”

“I know,” she said, resting her head on my shoulder. “I just…” She shrugged and I smiled.

“I missed you too.”

“Good.”

I smiled then moved Jasey off my lap. “Come ‘ere,” I said, laying on my back. She came over and curled up next to me and put her chin on my chest, her knees pressing against my hip. This wasn’t the first time Jasey had been in my bed. We’d made out after school like our lives depended on it in her room or mine everyday for the past semester. This was the first time she’d been in my bed after dark though. Her parents kept a short-ish leash on her and curfew was not to be broken. We’d been lucky so far when it came to keep track of time. “You’re such a rebel,” I said running a thumb over her bottom lip. She smiled and bit me gently. “Ow,” I pouted.

“Such a baby.” I laughed and pushed my fingers into her hair, pushing it away from her face. “So how was your little mini-tour?” she asked, kissing my wrist.

“Good. Great. Really great. Jack threw up twice, though.”

“He’s a really shitty drinker.”

“Yeah but so are you.”

Just then my door opened and I swear to God I almost pissed myself. “You guys need to learn how to fucking whisper!” my brother said, rubbing his eyes. He was standing in his jeans without a shirt on.

“Oh shit it’s just you.” I laughed letting my head fall back into my pillow. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“Yeah well, I just got home and saw Houdini crawling in through your window. Then I walked past your door and heard all the little murmurings. If mum and dad catch you both they’ll castrate you and tell the little one’s parents.”

Jasey laughed and waved at Daniel. “Hi, Dan.”

“Hey kiddo, how’re you?”

“Just fine. Yourself? Party hard?”

He shrugged. “Hardly. Baltimore’s getting boring as fuck these days.”

I rolled my eyes. “Bro. Leave! It’s like two!”

“Alright, alright.” Dan grinned and I knew that whatever he was gonna say next was gonna make me wanna punch him in the mouth. “Be safe kids. Remember, rubbers are your friends.” He laughed and shut the door and I groaned.

Jasey rolled her eyes with a smile. “Hey, why does Daniel still have a hint of a British accent while yours is all gone?” she asked curiously.

“Mmm,” I twisted a strand of her hair around my finger. “I guess it’s because when we moved to America I was seven and he was thirteen. His speech was already pretty developed by then.”

“Do you feel like the black sheep then since the rest of your family still sounds English and you don’t?”

I shrugged. Sometimes I didn’t even have answers to Jasey’s never ending list of questions. I didn’t mind her asking me things but I wish I had more answers. “I guess not. I never really thought about it.”

“Hm…”

“Yes?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Yeah but I can tell you’re about to ask another question.” She smiled and I grabbed her waist then pulled her on top of me so I could give her a kiss. “So ask me.”

“What do you want for your birthday?”

“Ugh…” I groaned and rolled my eyes while Jasey remained smiling.

“It’s your eighteenth! That’s important!”

“You know? I’m turning eighteen, and Dan’s about twenty four. Those are pretty old ages already. I mean, I’m getting old and Dan’s about ancient. I don’t even know why he’s still living here and not on his own.”

“Eighteen is not old.” Jasey said, sticking her fingers into my hair and twirling some of it. “Most people are happy to be turning eighteen.”

“Have you not noticed dearest that I have an issue with not wanting to become an adult? Staying seventeen would fix everything.”

“You’re just happy with being irresponsible for the rest of your life,” she said with a smile.

“Yes. Yes I am. It’s just like Dan says, we should all just jump into the ocean on our thirtieth birthdays ‘cause after that it’s all downhill from there.”

“I love your optimism.”

“Why thank you.”

Jasey yawned a little and turned her head so her cheek was resting on my chest. She closed her eyes gently while I held onto her waist with one arm lazily.

“You falling asleep?” She shook her head and I smiled. “Yeah you are. Come on, I’ll drive you home.”

“No!” Her eyes flew open and she picked her head up. “I mean, I don’t need to go home.”

“And when your parents wake up and see that you’re not in your room?”

She rested her head back down on my shoulder and kissed my neck lightly. “I left them a note saying I was heading out early in the morning with you anyways.”

I laughed as she closed her eyes again. “God, I love you,” I said casually. Then my body stiffened. What did I just say…

“What?” she said, picking her head up. She was smiling.
“Nothing. Go to sleep. I’ll lock the door so my parents don’t walk in in the morning.”

I moved Jasey off my body, went to the door, then came back. She was laying on her side, looking at me, so I copied her pose so that we were laying face to face. “I love you too.” She said when I tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear.

I held up my pinky and looked at her quizzically. “Promise?”

She laughed then locked hers with mine then we pressed our thumbs together. “Promise.”

“Good.” I kissed her thumb then let her hand go and watched her close her eyes.

This was the first night that Jasey slept in my room but it wasn’t the last. Now despite our inability to keep our hands off each other, (cut me some slack, I was seventeen and it’s not like she was disapproving) Jasey and I had never gone past second base in the whole year and a half we’d been together.

“What the fuck, man,” Jack said one day as we sat out in his drive way. Rian and Zack were having a water chugging contest to see who could go longest without peeing and we were watching. “I’m getting my dick wet more than you are.”

“Need I point out that you’re probably contracting several types of STD’s while doing so?”

“Hey! No. Marissa is a nice girl! She is not disease ridden.”

“Her name’s MELISSA you jackass.” I laughed and Jack looked confused.

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

We stopped talking as Rian had begun choking a bit on his fourth water bottle. “I’m not gonna lie though, Bridget is still my favourite.”

“Shut the fuck up!” I said, ramming my fingers into my ears. “I don’t even want to think about the terrible field day you had in my living room.”

“Aw, come on, it’s been like a year. Get over it.”

“Shut up!” I started to lalalalala and Jack smirked.

“She speaks French. Did you know that? She told me to suck her tongue in French.”

“JACK I’M SERIOUS!” The bastard laughed and I wanted to punch him in the junk.

“Okay, but seriously. Is she frigid or something? What’s up with her? You’ve been together for a YEAR and you haven’t gotten any. Your right hand must be pretty fucking muscular by now because I mean.” He let out a low whistle and I rolled my eyes.

“It’s not a big deal. It’ll happen when it happens. I’m not gonna bug her about it.”

“But you’re a man, Alex!” Jack was shaking me now. “A man with needs!” Just then Jasey and May pulled into the driveway in their bikinis.

“Go get your trunks boys. We’re going to the beach!” May shouted with a smile.

“Shit. I have to pee first though.”

Zack whooped as Rian ran into the house and we all laughed.

“Now tell me you’re not dying right now,” Jack said loud enough only so I could hear as we watched my girlfriend get out of the car.

I swallowed then exhaled through my nose. “Like I said… It’ll happen when it happens.”

Now, I’m not exactly religious but I do believe there is a fucking God because a week later from that conversation with Jack, Jasey crawled into my room through the window again and kissed me before I could even say hello.

“Happy birthday,” she said softly. Then she kissed me again with more conviction than any of the other times we’ve kissed before.

“W-w-wait. Calm down for a second,” I said, with a shaky laugh. “Just,” I exhaled through my nose slowly. “Okay. Hi. Thank you. How are you?”

Jasey smiled and bit her lip like she’s prone to do. “It’s your birthday in three minutes,” she said gesturing towards the clock with her chin.

“Yeah, I guess it is, isn’t it?” She looked down and I knew she was blushing. “Hey,” I said, tipping her head back up gently. “You alright? What’re you embarrassed about?”

Jasey wouldn’t meet my eye but she was smiling a little bit. “I just…” she looked down again and I furrowed my eyebrows, confused. Look. It was almost midnight. Excuse me if I didn’t get what she was going on about. She gave me a hint though by getting on her tiptoes to kiss me again. She tugged on my lip eagerly and my eyes flew open.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay. Settle down for a second,” I said, pulling away gently. I kept my hands on her shoulders and sighed. “You okay?”

She looked down again and I ran a thumb over her cheek bone. The skin there was a little warmer than usual due to her blushing. “I just wanted to do something… memorable or something…” she mumbled.

That’s when I got the picture. “Oh.” I smiled then put my arms around her gently, kissing the top of her head with a little laugh. “You didn’t have to do that for me. There’s no rush.”

Jasey kept her gaze towards the ground. “But, I wanted to. You never asked me to but I wanted to.”

I walked over to my bed with her in tow and sat on the edge with her next to me. Sometimes it’d take me a minute to realize that she was actually really tiny and much… smaller than me, in every aspect of the word. She was a year and a half younger, a whole foot shorter. There was a lot that I’d done that she’d never even gone near before. I’d told myself a long time ago to be patient with her. When we argued, which lucky for us at the time hadn’t been too often, she could put up a real fight and make me want to shoot someone but at the end of the day she was still… little. “Look, I never asked you to do anything like that for me because I didn’t think it was necessary. I’m not telling you no if that’s what you want but don’t do this just because you think I expect it of you.”

She looked up at me and put a hand to my face. “Then let me because I want to and because I love you.”

I smiled and sighed, running a hand through my hair. “Did you really think I was gonna say no?” I laughed and kissed her, letting my hands fall to her waist. She wrapped her fingers into the hem of my shirt and slipped her hands over my chest from underneath the fabric. We kissed like that for a little while, her laying on top of me, and eventually there were articles of clothing scattered around my room. I’d rolled us over so I was hovering over her and gotten the necessary things from the top drawer of my nightstand when I realized she was shaking.

“Jase?” I said, picking my head up from where it’d been in the crook of her neck.

“Mhm?”

“Jasey, you’re trembling.”

She let out a little shaky breath and gave me an unconvincing smile. “I’m fine.”

I sat up with a sigh, picked her up with me and rested her head against my shoulder. “I told you, we don’t have to do this. You’re shaking. This wasn’t a good idea.”

She laid little kisses along my collar bone and spoke softly. “I want to. I do. Don’t worry.”

“Yeah you want to but you’re trembling all over. We’re not doing this today.”

She shook her head, her nose nuzzling into my neck. “I said I wanted to though.”

“Now isn’t the time to be stubborn, Jasey.” Jasey kissed my neck softly and I sighed. I knew I wasn’t gonna win even if i was trying to protect her. “Okay, then let’s do it like this then, okay?” I picked her up a little and hovered her over my lap figuring that this way I was closer to her and she could hide her face in my neck like she was doing now.

She nodded and lowered herself gently and I could hear her breathing grow shallow. Shit. What am I doing? Before I could protest again and suggest that we stop she practically dropped herself into my lap and I felt her teeth sink into my shoulder.

“Shh…” I said, stroking her hair gently. She’d let out a tiny almost silent little whimper of pain and I felt so fucking guilty. “I’m sorry,” I said, kissing her cheek. “I’m so sorry.” I felt a little wetness on my shoulder and it occurred to me that she was crying a little. She wasn’t making any sounds but the little tears that were trickling down my back just about killed me. “Baby, I’m sorry,” I said stroking her hair still. “We’ll get dressed and go to sleep. We don’t have to do this anymore.”

She shook her head still and I sighed, kissing from her shoulder, up her neck then on the corner of her lips. She sighed then and began rocking her hips against mine slowly and I shook my head. She really was so fucking stubborn.

By the end of it all I had Jasey curled up in the crook of my arm, her back settling against my chest. She was falling asleep but I was wide awake. We’d done it. It’d taken a year and a half but we’d done it and I was so fucking happy. I wasn’t happy for the reason that we’d done it but I was happy because it was her. I’d fucked around with a whole bunch of girls from our school but I’d never stayed up to watch them just breathe and fall asleep. It amazed me how someone so… so immaculate was just resting in my arms and at the end of the day she was just human like anything else. She was amazingly fragile for a human now that I looked at her. Her skin stretched over her ribcage delicately and expanded when she breathed. Her shoulders were smooth and looked almost breakable in the dim light of my room. I pulled the sheet up over her shoulders then rested my hand around the small of her waist. She was gorgeous and I was so fucking lucky. I felt even more lucky knowing that I was the only one who’d ever seen her like this, the only one to have ever been with her like this. I knew she was scared the whole entire time despite what she said and I don’t even know if she enjoyed it but we’d have time for that in the future. At that moment I was just happy to be selfish and know that it was me that got to be the first and not some other douche bag.

“Fuck,” I said, hitting my forehead against the wall of my bunk again. Who would’ve thought that I’d turn into that douche bag in the end?