The Smile You Fake, The Steps You Take

POINT OF VIEW: Jack Barakat.

After Amanda left, I sighed and resumed my previous position on the couch with my laptop. It took me a long moment to realize that Alex was staring at me. "What?"

"Dude, what the hell was that?" he wanted to know.

"What was what?" I set the computer aside.

Alex sighed. "The way you hugged her was most definitely not in a friendly way."

I shrugged, not noticing anything abnormal about the way I'd hugged her. What was he hinting at?

"Okay, look," he leaned forward. "I'm gonna be real blunt with you just so we can get this little fun-fest over with: did you sleep with her?"

I nearly choked on my own spit. "Sleep with who, Amanda?" I asked incredulously.

"No, with Zack. Of course with Amanda," Alex scoffed.

"Why the hell would you think that?"

"I'm not an idiot. I saw how you two were sleeping earlier ... and without any pants on, might I add."

So Alex could tell that I liked her? And by "like," I meant as more than my best friend.

"Jack. Seriously, answer the damn question. 'Zuz if you did, kudos to you man, but two things: Oone, why didn't you tell me you were seeing each other? Why would you keep something so huge from me? Second, she's underage and you're not. This is some serious shit, man."

I resisted the urge to punch Alex in the face. I couldn't believe he really thought that I'd slept with her. What was his problem? "Alex, I did not sleep with Amanda," I replied as calmly and firmly as possible.

He nodded slowly, deciding whether or not to believe me. Finally he said, "Alright, you're telling the truth. I can tell. But listen: Amanda's an amazing girl, and if you waste your time debating whether or not you like her, someone else is gonna get her. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay," I replied stiffly, clenching my jaw. I didn't understand what was making me so defensive about this, all I knew was that it was pissing me off. "I'm going to my room."

"To...talk to Amanda?" he guessed with a smirk.

"No, to sleep. Good night." I stormed into the room and slammed the door behind myself. Alex could be such a pain in the ass.

"What's wrong?"

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. There was no way I could tell her, of all people. "Nothing." I sat down.

"Please?"

I rubbed my eyes vigorously. "I can't tell you, 'Manda."

"Why not?"

Without thinking, I snapped. "I just can't, okay?" I nearly shouted, actually. Why was I being a dick about this? "I'm sorry," I frowned. She looked hurt.

"It's fine."

I reached for her hand and began, "I just-" but she flinched away.

"I said it's fine," Amanda insisted softly. "Good night, Jack."

Even after she'd gotten under the blankets I remained transfixed. Stupid, stupid, stupid Jack. How much more of my crap was she willing to take before walking out on me entirely? We'd been friends for so long, but one wrong move could change all of that. Eventually I layed back and stared at the ceiling, breathing slowly. "Stop being such an asshole to her, Jack," I told myself out loud, hoping that might somehow help my situation.

In the dark, I felt Amanda take my hand and entwine her fingers in mine. "You're not an asshole," she whispered, yawning when she said 'asshole.'

I smiled and squeezed her hand. "Thanks, I think." For a long moment I considered telling Amanda how I felt about her, but when I eventually looked over at her, about to say what I was thinking, about to say what had been plaguing my mind for days now, she was asleep. So much for letting her know. Then again, maybe it was all for the best. I wasn't completely sure what I was feeling, to be completely honest. Maybe this was just a phase, some weird thing that I would get over in a week or two and not have to worry about ever again. Yes, that was exactly it. I would wait it out and not do anything to further the situation, that way when the feelings went away things could go back to being perfectly normal. Yeah, that was definitely going to work.