Troubles

I stay quiet at lunch and don't tell any of the guys about my detention. None of them were in Ms. Jensen's class, so they have no way of knowing. Brian should know, but he'll find out soon enough. He has to sign a note that informs him of my detention.

“You wanna come over after school?” Gerard asks me, his voice very low. I turn my head to look at him, but he isn't looking back. He's staring at Bobs' tray across the table as he chews on his sandwich. He's in a mood as well, but it still feels like a slap in the face that he won't even look at me when he's talking to me.

“I can't,” I say quietly and apologetic, before I look back out the window. It's Wednesday. I have to work at the store.

Gerard doesn't say anything else, and the rest of lunch pretty much consists of Ray and Bob chatting and nothing else. Mikey is quiet too. I glance at him once to see him smiling weakly at Gerard – as if to comfort him – but Gerard doesn't smile back.

I wonder if something's wrong, but I don't wanna ask. He just keeps staring at one spot intently, obviously lost in thought. I don't wanna annoy him.

I don't want anyone asking if anything's up with me, so I guess Gerard doesn't want that either. We are pretty much alike.

-----

No matter what I do, I can't get out of this mood. I just can't stop pouting and feeling down, and honestly, I'm not sure why either. The dream doesn't bother me much anymore.

“Iero!” Again, my head snaps up.
“For the last time, do your homework or you can come back here tomorrow,” the teacher in charge of detention tells me. I nod quickly and look down at the equations again. I think the teacher in charge of detention have gotten a kind of detention themselves. Maybe this one forgot to lock a classroom or got caught smoking in the teachers' bathroom.

I twirl my pen between my fingers, trying hard to stay focused. I stop twirling the pen and instead start writing down random numbers, knowing that they're all wrong. Soon, the numbers turn into doodles and little cats. I'm good at drawing cute little cats, even though I like dogs better. Puppies are the best thing in the world. I remember a tiny puppy that kept me company in an alley one night about two months ago. It was so cute. I would've made it my companion if it weren't for the fact that I had to leave for school, and when I came back, it wasn't there anymore. I'm still hoping to death that it got saved by some nice parents with child that loves it at least as much as I did that one night – or that a good animal shelter picked it up and got it adopted before it had to be put down.

If the latter was the case, I almost feel I should've gotten the puppy – I'd be able to understand what it had gone through.

In reality, when I think of it, I'm nothing but a dog that was separated from its mother and had to make it on its own until someone put it in a shelter and waited for someone to pick it.

I guess Brian picked me, in a way, but I can't help but feel that he just found me and kept me. Because just keeping me because he felt like it at the time means that he'll get tired of me and will want to get rid of me at some point. Soon, he'll get bored with having me around and will want to get rid of me.

I glance up at the teacher, even thought he hasn't said anything, and snap out of my thoughts. I look down again, determined to finish my homework so I can at least show Brian that my detention wasn't a waste of time. I kinda feel guilty about being here and not helping him at the store as we agreed, but we did agree upon after school, after all. No need to feel guilty.

I hope Brian sees it that way.

-----

I kinda hope Brian will be mad and make me do some crappy job in the back and maybe not talk to me for the rest of the day. I don't feel like talking at all. Even just telling him why I got the detention seems like too much talking. I just wanna be alone.

But still, I feel as if everything would've been better, had I been able to go home with Gerard. I'm not sure I would've talked with him either, but just being with him would've made things better – more relaxed. I wouldn't have been as down. I'd be able to just put my troubles out of my head and pretend the world didn't exist.

Also, another reason I think I'd feel better around Gerard today is the fact that he seemed to be in the same mood, so he'd probably be as up to talking as I am. We'd probably just sit in his room, in each others' arms, and watch TV or listen to music or just stare into space, and not say a word.

And yet, I'd probably ask him what's wrong; why he's so down; if he wants to talk about it. Because I want him to be okay. I don't want anything to trouble him or bother him. I want him to be happy. And most of all, I want him to be able to confide in me – to trust me. Even if I wouldn't be able to trust him.

I wonder what's going through his head. I hope it has nothing to do with me, because even though we've only just started dating and haven't truly had any real serious talks yet, I don't want him to leave me. I wanna see where we can go. I don't wanna lose him yet.

I suddenly realize that everyone around me are getting up and off the bus. I look out the window. I'm already in Newark. It feels as if the bus only just took off.

I get up and hurry off the bus – being the last to get off, even though I sat almost right behind the driver – and set into a run. I run out of the terminal, down the road and take a left at the cemetery. I keep running and turning corners at such high speed that each time, I'm amazed that I don't run someone over – literally – until I finally reach the store. I take a deep breath before I push the door open, sticking a hand in my bag to search for the note that needs signing.

“Frank,” Brian says happily. I find the note and look hesitantly up at his smiling face. He doesn't even look mad about me being late. I pull out the sheet of paper and hold it out towards him as I look around the almost empty store. A young girl is admiring a bass in the corner, and she turns her head on our direction just as Brian takes the slightly curled-up piece of paper out of my hand.

I feel my entire body tense up as I start dreading Brian's reaction more and more. The anxiety courses through me, making me frown and bite my lip and clench my fists.

The girl spots the note and sees Brian's reaction. I wait for her reaction. I don't dare look at Brian, but I can look at this girl. She's around my age, maybe a little younger, and I feel that she might react the way I would, had I been looking at Brian right now.

She looks to me, a sympathetic and almost apologetic look on her face. She's frowning too, but she gives me a small smile before she turns back to look at the bass.

“Detention?” Brian asks, almost outraged. I close my eyes.
“For not paying attention?” he asks, accusingly. I lower my head a little and nod.
“Ridiculous,” he then whispers. I frown more than before.
“When I was a kid, the teacher would just humiliate us somehow, in front of the whole class. It was a lot more effective than detention, I bet you that.”

When I look up at him, he's grinning and shaking his had lightly. I try to grin back, but despite the relief that makes me wanna do that, I just can't. I lose my frown, but that's about as far as I go.

“I'm guessing you got some homework done while you were there?”

I nod quickly.

“All of it,” I add.

“Alright. Then how about we slowly close up here and I drive you over to the Ways?”
Despite my frown having gone with the relief, it rapidly returns with a new feeling of confusion.
“Go call 'em,” he urges, giving me his keys to the apartment.
I give him one last frown as he waves his hand at me, motioning for me to go.

I turn around, looking down at the keys in my hands and wonder what part of a dog's life this could be compared to: perhaps the initial sign of the owner's boredom, where they have someone they know look after the dog while they go somewhere by themselves and pretend the dog doesn't exist.

I climb the stairs slowly. Maybe I've overstayed my welcome; maybe it's time to leave and move on.

When I lie in Gerard's arms – which I hopefully will in less than an hour – I'm gonna do all I can to pretend and to convince myself that he'll be the one person in my life who won't ever leave me.

I doubt I'll be able to believe myself.