Your Faith in Me

I yawned hugely, stretching in bed as I groggily sat up, running a hand through my hair, it wasn’t until my eyes scanned the bedroom that I realized Tom wasn’t here. I bit back on my lip, scared of the possibilities of where he could be at the moment, what he could be doing. After last night’s incident I didn’t know if he would be okay by himself. I jumped out of bed, practically running to the kitchen, but Tom wasn’t there, I ran a hand through my hair and went back to my room, that when I saw Tom, sitting outside on my balcony, staring at the City below. Grabbing a light sweatshirt out of my closet, I walked out, the cold San Francisco air whipped me across the face, and I shivered slightly as I sat down beside Tom. He extended the blanket that he was wrapped in, placing it on top of me as he extended his right arm over my shoulder. We didn’t say anything, I looked down, across the street I saw a little girl, holding her little brothers hand as she took him into the diner that was located in the corner. I couldn’t help but smile at the innocent act of love. I looked at Tom, who seemed to be watching them as well, a smile on is face, but I could tell that there was pain somewhere deep in there. His smile wasn’t free, it wasn’t pure. It was pained, and it killed me.

“What happened Tom?” I asked meagerly, I looked at him cautiously, I knew Tom wouldn‘t be in a place where he could talk about it and be okay, even thinking about it would hurt him, but I knew better than anyone that he needed to get it all out, that was after all, the first step of healing. But I wouldn‘t force him to start healing if he wasn‘t ready to. “I mean you don’t have to tell me. But if you want to let it out. You know I’m here for you.”

Tom looked at me, his eyebrows furrowed in pain as he openly looked into my eyes. The glint, shimmer of joy, happiness, pureness, that was reflected in his eyes was gone, now just a dull empty blue. He looked down at my lap, staring at the blankets deep red color, his chest slowly moving up and down with every breath that he took.

“She cheated on me” He murmured so quietly it didn’t register in my mind for a few seconds. How dare she. What in her right mind was she thinking when she did that, I didn’t see how anyone could have the heart to do that to him. Beside me, Tom shook his head, as if mentally scolding himself, as if he was ashamed at the fact that he was stupid enough to love her. He scoffed hugely. “I bent down on one knee and she looks me in the eyes and says ‘I don’t love you Tom. I love someone else. I’ve been cheating on you for the past ten months and I don’t want to have anything to do with you. Just looking at you makes me sick.’ Imagine getting that bit of information on what was supposed to be one of the happiest days in your life” Tom spat bitterly, his jaw locked tensely, his nostrils flared as he breathed heavily in his seat. I extended my hand, cupping his stubble covered face urging him to look at me. Slowly, Tom turned around, meeting my gaze, and I took a big gulp as I tried to calm myself down.

“I don’t know why she did it Tom, people do stupid things, and I know that she’s going to regret it.” Tom looked down unable to look me in the eyes. I grabbed his chin more aggressively making sure that his gaze found it’s way back to mine. “You need to know Tom, that she doesn’t deserve you. You are too good for her. And I know you don’t really want to hear this seeing as you spent the last two years of your life with her but it’s the truth. She’s scum. She dresses like a prostitute half of the time, she glares me, and the rest of our friends down like we’re the scum of the earth, and she had the audacity to go and cheat on you and ruin the best thing that has ever happened to her” Tom shook his head out of my grip.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about Ronnie, she’s the most beautiful person in the entire planet, and your just jealous of her” He spat walking into the room. I scoffed, my mouth hanging open in shock at what he had just said as I followed him into the room, slamming the door shut behind me, I stalked over to the bed, where Tom was currently sitting with a hand on my hip as I looked at him aggressively.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I yelled angrily, Tom looked up at me, his face covered in anger as his blue eyed glared into mine coldly. I had never seen this side of Tom before, but I knew that he wasn’t going to get away with this. Not with me. I raised my eyebrows at him violently.

“You’re jealous that she has me. That she’s beautiful and talented. She told me all the things you told her. That she’s a worthless piece of trash, that I don’t love her, that you love me and you’ll do anything to have me, even ruin her if you have to. You’re pathetic Ronnie. I don’t love you. I could never love someone like you when I have someone like Jade. She told me about you trying to ruin us, and you did! This is all your fault!” He yelled, his veins popping out of his neck as he looked at me with pure disgust spitting his words at me full of venom. That look was a punch in the gut, a slap in the face. And I didn’t think twice as I swung my hand at his cheek, the impact so hard even I was hurt as my hand fell back to my side.

“How dare you Tom. How dare you. You want to get serious here for a minute. You want to talk about what Jade’s really like? She’s an ungrateful, two faced, manipulative bitch! I would never say anything like that to her. I would never say anything like that to anyone who didn’t deserve it. But you want to know something Tom? She did deserve to be told off by me. But I didn’t, I never did because of you. I wanted you to be happy Tom. And I saw that you were happy with her. It didn’t matter how much any of us didn’t like her. As long as you were happy I was fine with that. Do you know how many times Dan and Rupert and Emma and everyone else called me telling me how much they hated her? How awful she was? And do you know how many times I defended you. Defended your relationship with Jade when everyone else around you knew that she wasn’t worth your time? God she spat in my face for Christ’s sake Tom! That night when Dan and Em and Rupert were in town, we were hanging out, you went to the bathroom and she spits in my face and tells me I’m a waste of human life. Bet you never wondered why I left did you? Jade has brainwashed you to do whatever she wants, see whatever she wants you to see. And how dare you, lower me to her, I may not be as pretty as her, I may not be as thin as her, but the last time I checked being as thin as a piece of paper wasn’t healthy, let alone attractive. But I know that I’m a better person than she will ever be. And the fact that you’re here, attacking me, the one person who’s always there for you no matter what, the one person who doesn’t judge you, the one person who is honest with you, makes me sick.” Tom sat there, jaw locked as he stared down at the bed too afraid to look at me, but I wasn’t finished.

“You came here and cried in my arms all night, and when I try to tell you how it really is, say it for what it really is, you turn around and attack me. This isn’t my fault, so don’t go blaming me just because you can’t understand why she did this to you. Because everyone else knows why she did it. Tom I can’t even recognize you right now. I don’t love you in that way, I never have, and the fact that you were so easy to believe her, when you know me, the way you let her control you and not even realize it is utterly disgusting. Just looking at you right now makes me sick. So now, instead of just losing your good for nothing girlfriend, you’ve now lost the one person in the entire world that would be here for you when you needed them the most. Get out of my house Tom, I don’t want to see you in here, I don’t want to see you out there in the city, I’m done with you. Go find someone else to blame, go find someone else to pity you. Go find someone else to cry to. You’re not welcome. Ever.”

It wasn’t until then that Tom looked up to meet my gaze, his blue eyes filled with shock, he looked as if he would burst into tears again, but I didn’t care as I turned away from him. I wasn’t going to let myself be subjugated to emotional abuse from my best friend. The fact that he had the audacity to say that to me, was downright disgusting. I didn’t know how he could do it. I would never do something like that to him, no matter what it was. I quickly walked into the bathroom, turning the faucet on in the bathtub the second I closed the door with no intentions of taking a shower yet, I burst into tears in the middle of the floor. I couldn’t believe what he had just done. I felt like life as I knew it was over. I didn’t know whether Tom honestly hated me, but just the thought of it made me depressed past the point of explanation. He was supposed to be my best friend. And he turned on me so quickly, when all I was trying to do was make him see it for what it was. I knew trying to break it to Tom wasn’t going to be easy, I knew he didn’t want to hear it, but it was my job as his best friend to help him get through it. Instead I got hateful words that were like a slap to the face with each one uttered. And I didn’t understand why it had come along all of a sudden. If Jade had told him that, which I didn’t doubt she did, he would have said something earlier to me, last night, but he didn’t. Why he had kept that inside him for so long, was something that stumped me. It was like he was holding it inside of him, waiting for the right moment to go all out on me. But one thing I knew for sure was that I wasn’t in love with Tom. I loved him, but not in that way. I couldn’t say that it had never crossed my mind. But at the end of the day, I knew that he was my best friend, nothing more, he was going to be there for me for life And I couldn’t see myself with him in that way. I didn’t want anything from him romantically, especially not now, not after what had just happened. Because it seemed to me like that wouldn’t be happening anytime soon anymore.

I don’t know how long I stayed on that floor. Like Tom last night, I balled my eyes out like a baby, too overcome to get up. But after a while, the tears refused to come out of my eyes, and I knew that I had to get up, start my day, no matter how much I was hurting. I turned the tub off, and opened the door slowly, I didn’t know whether Tom would have taken my words seriously. My best friend wouldn’t have settled for that, he would have been waiting for me, waiting to work it out, because that’s what best friends did. But I knew, deep down inside, that he wouldn’t be waiting for me, but I wished so much that I was wrong. Walking out, I felt my heart drop as I looked around an empty room, his suitcases that had been placed inside my closet were gone. The only evidence that Tom had been there being the big whole in my heart that I now felt inside with every breath that I took.