Don't Be So Hard on Yourself

Dreamless sleep is possibly worse than no sleep at all. I felt like I wasn’t sleeping. I didn’t have a dream to take me to another realm and forget about the present. It was like I was just sitting awake with these racing thoughts. Will I ever forgive Draco? Will the Dark Lord kill me instead of accept me? Am I even a powerful witch?

All these questions, these demons, they haunted me through the dreamless night and well through the morning. I had my things packed but I wasn’t ready to board that train. Nerves wracked my whole body and I felt sick. I couldn’t eat at breakfast, even Kelsi and Blaise couldn’t help me. We boarded the train but we couldn’t escape Draco. He kicked Blaise and Kelsi out and closed the compartment door behind him. He gave me a sad look. I couldn’t even look at him.

“Can you please talk to me?” I cut my eyes to him, my jaw locking. He closed his eyes leaning back in his seat across from mine. “I’ll apologize a million and ten times, will it make a difference? We can’t act like this in front of our parents. They can’t know how much I love you. They can’t know how much you loathe me. It will just do more harm than it already is.” I closed my eyes, hot tears stung at my eyes but I tried to keep them in. As much as I didn’t want to admit he was right, he was.

“Draco,” I whispered, my eyes cutting to look at him and he looked at me with so much pain and hope in his eyes. I choked back the sob that bubbled up. “I’ll be nice, hell; I’ll act like your friend.” I looked into his eyes. “But I will never be yours.” I saw the hurt flash across his face. His jaw dropped a little bit, only for a second, before he composed himself. He nodded. He fucking nodded.

Draco Malfoy gave up on me. I hate myself for admitting this but I wish he didn’t. “Noted,” he spoke softly, his eyes moving from me to out the window. Snow was falling a bit. I just noticed how gray it was outside. So dark. I hated it.

“This is so fucked up,” I whispered. He heard me, he always listens. I didn’t look at him. “I haven’t slept in days.” I could admit this because I know he hasn’t either. “Does it hurt?” I asked, my eyes finally moving to him and to his left arm.

“Uh, I—well, a bit actually.” He confessed and I felt tears come to my eyes. “It’s like a burning sensation.” He got up from his seat kneeled before me and grabbed my hand. “I don’t care if you don’t want this but I promise to protect you.” I closed my eyes as tears fell down my cheeks and I could feel his thumbs wiping them away.

“Why, Draco? Why after all I’ve said to you? I acted like a cold bitch and you still want to protect me.” I opened my eyes again and stared at him, he smiled softly and his eyes softened in color.

“Because you’re my best friend, you were my best friend when I pulled your hair for 10 years.” I laughed a little as he did. He’s right. “Also, I love you, even if you don’t want me to.” It was silent after that. We just stared at each other. I wanted to touch him, to tell him he was wrong, I wanted him to love me. I love him. But I refrained. If I told him this, and this new knowledge leaked to the Dark Lord we’d be done for. Or, he’d come up with a plan to make us work harder and use our love against us. The thought of anything the Dark Lord wants me to do scare me.

I can’t be like this on Christmas. I can’t be like this now. I can’t show fear. Fear is the number one ticket to either greatness, like half of the Dark Lord’s followers, or to death.

“We have to act like friends, Draco,” I whispered. He nodded moving so he was sitting across from me again. We had at least an hour left until the train ride was over. An hour left for us to be in silence or talk. I doubt we’ll talk. The tension is too thick and too awkward to hold a conversation. So the hour went by in silence, I prepared myself for the holiday at Malfoy Manor and I prepared myself for the Dark Lord. When the train finally stopped, Draco looked at me and grabbed my hand before we walked out of the compartment.

“Remember your lessons, you can’t really trust anyone,” he whispered before walking before me and I followed. We walked off the train, Draco in front of me, and it wasn’t long until we were met with Narcissa Malfoy. Her face in a taut smile but she smiled none the less. She hugged and kissed Draco’s temple before hugging me.

“Dear it feels like you were gone for much longer,” I raised an eyebrow towards Draco who shrugged. Something bad either happened or Narcissa as just alone. “Now come along, we need to be back at the Manor soon to meet Bella.” Draco and I didn’t say a word we walked out of the station and towards the Muggle car the Malfoy’s used to get to and from King’s Cross. I didn’t say a word the whole way to Malfoy Manor, Narcissa and Draco didn’t say anything either. The car ride was silent but the tension was thick. Fear was obviously wracking all of our nerves but we tried not to show it. A tough exterior is key now.

I couldn’t even recognize the Manor when we got there. The gate was covered in overgrown weeds and vines but with a flick of her wand, Narcissa was able to open the gates. The creaked open and instantly on the inside a house elf was eager to take away our trunks. I sighed, giving the elf my trunk as Draco did the same. We walked up the path behind Narcissa, the grass almost as tall as I was and dead in certain places. The air seemed colder than it was on the other side of the gate and I couldn’t see any of the very rare and expensive animals the Malfoy’s have roaming the yard.

I felt like things were going to just fall to pieces and die, right then and there. Like the outside reflects the inside.

Once inside, Draco took my coat with a look on his face. I knew this look very well. It was the ‘we need to talk in private’ look. He used to give it to me a lot when we were younger and we were forced to talk to each other away from our parents because they never understood. They always wanted us together, as silly as it seems, Draco and I didn’t want to be together; just best friends. Now look at us. Narcissa looked at both Draco and I with a tight smile, a grimace really, across her lips.

“Dinner will be at 6 sharp, please be dressed nicely since the Dark Lord will be arriving earlier than expected.” Draco and I nodded before heading for the stairs. We walked up the large marble stairs side by side. Our arms brushed a few times, a blush quickly came to my face as I watched him smirk.

“Don’t you smirk, Draco Malfoy,” I threatened which only made him chuckle. We got to the top of the stairs and stood in silence. I was to turn right to head towards my usual guestroom and he was to turn left to his own room. We stood there unsure what to do or what to say. I looked up from the floor to see Draco staring at me. A small smile played across his lips and I mimicked the smile. We didn’t say anything until we heard footsteps from behind me. I turned around to see Bellatrix smiling at us, her dark lidded eyes staring at both of us with some dark emotion behind them. I felt my heart thud against my chest.

“Draco and Acey, back already? My, Cissy was right, it seemed like you only left yesterday,” she gave both of us a sweet smile and I felt like running. Bellatrix isn’t that skilled at Legilimancy but I’m sure my thoughts are written on my face for everyone to see. I was in love, scared and confused on to where my loyalty stands.

“Hullo Aunt Bella,” we both said at the same time. We tried to hide the fact that we were just staring at each other the way we were by moving farther from each other. She smiled again before turning to Draco.

“Can I steal Acey from you? Her mother instructed me to get ready for tonight.” I gave Draco a look and I watched him look between Bella and I. I could tell he was fighting with himself on whether or not to let Bella take me. I felt my breath get caught in my throat. What if he says no and Bella figures out that he loves me? What if he says no and it’s reflected on the Dark Lord’s judgment on me? All these thoughts cut through me and I felt dizzy.

“You may. I’ll meet you here just before six, okay?” Draco asked me with a small smile on his lips, I nodded and then Bella took my arm leading me towards my room. Once in the room, Bella turned me around so I was facing my closet. There were four dresses in the closet, each black, but in different sizes and cuts. I gasped, moving closer to them to touch them.

“So these are for the Dark Lord, Bella?” I asked, picking up one that had a sweetheart cut and went to just below my knees. I watched Bella nod as she smiled.

“Of course, my dear, the Dark Lord is a very formal, powerful wizard. He would like his followers to be the same.” I nodded putting the dress I held back and picked up another one, a longer one that had a deep-V cut and long sleeves. It had a bit of a silver tint to it, very subtle unless you were studying it. I put it back and Bella pulled out a halter top cut one.

“Should I wear this one tonight?” I asked her, holding the dress to my body and Bella smirked. With a flick of her wand the dress was on me and I gasped. It fit me perfectly, hugging the right curves and I felt pretty for the first time in a long time. Bella grabbed my hair and played with it as I stared at myself in the full length mirror. Bella smiled at my reflection and I smiled back.

“You look a lot like your Grandmother, you know? She was gorgeous with those brown eyes and full lips. She would be proud of you, dear,” I couldn’t help but smile at Bella’s words. I love my Grandmother, even though she died when I was only five. She always told the best stories and taught me a lot about witchcraft before I even knew I was a witch. I thought they were just stories. She always had a way with healing people, even if you didn’t realize it. To be compared to her and to know she’d be proud of me is an honor.

“Thank you Aunt Bella.” She smiled before twirling her wand and my hair began to curl. I admired how skilled Bellatrix is at nonverbal spells, which is why I’m glad I went to her over the summer. Bella nodded before finishing with my hair and she stared at me admiring her work.

“Now, Acey, I can sense you’re nervous but don’t you worry. The Dark Lord will see your talent. Aren’t you honored?” I nodded looking at myself in the mirror once again. Noticing the dark circles under my eyes and the deer in headlights look on my face. I tried to calm down.

“I am very honored, Bella.” She smiled, squeezing my shoulder before exiting my room not saying another word. I moved so I was sitting on my bed, I kicked off the heels that I tried on and curled up into a ball on top of the covers. There was a soft knock at the door and I mumbled a soft, “come in.”

I heard the door open slowly and close behind the person. I didn’t bother to look at the person until they lay down on the bed behind me. Their arm moved over my body, I noticed the Dark Mark on the person’s forearm. I turned a bit to see Draco staring at me; he smiled a little as he pulled me closer. I turned so I was fully facing him and we just laid there.

“You should be getting dressed,” I mumbled moving so my head was under his chin and I traced the tattoo-like symbol on his forearm. Goosebumps filled his arm and I smiled a bit, continuing my tracing.

“I know but I needed to see you.” He whispered and I stopped tracing his Mark, I groaned before sitting up.

“Draco! You’re going to get caught so leave,” I glared at him as I stood up, crossing my arms across my chest. He sat up on the bed and stared at me before leaving. I glared more but he pulled me closer to him as he stood up.

“You’re getting to be a terrible liar.” He whispered, his breath caused a ripple of chills to run up and down my body and my breath got caught for another time. He was getting closer, his lips barely touching mine as my eyes fluttered closed. “But you told me to leave,” he spoke as he pulled away leaving me stunned. He smirked as he looked back before closing the door behind him.

“Asshole!” I muttered, now angry, I tempted to fix myself up and organize my trunk to the closet as I waited for it to be almost 6.

--

I left my room just before 6 o’clock and walked down the hall towards the stairs. I felt nerves wrack my body and my hands began to tremble. I took deep breaths as I walked, calming myself and I closed my eyes. When I opened them I saw Draco waiting for me by the stairs dressed in his usual black attire and his hair fixed. I couldn’t help but smile when he noticed me, a smile forming on his lips as well and I felt all the nerves flee my body. We stood at the top of the stairs, staring at each other like we had earlier before he held is arm out for me to take.

“Miss Blake,” he bowed a little and I couldn’t help but laugh. As incredibly cheesy as his gesture was I took his arm and nodded to him politely before saying, “Mr. Malfoy.” We walked down the stairs to meet his mother and Bellatrix who were greeting Snape as he walked through the doors.

No one else was in the entrance, from where I can see, and I couldn’t find my parents. I looked up to Draco as he looked to me, even his expression couldn’t tell me where they were. Narcissa finally noticed us, she smiled seeing us arm in arm. Draco didn’t let go of my arm until we were moved into the dining room, where my parents still couldn’t be found. As if reading my thoughts, Narcissa leaned down to me.

“Your mother and father won’t be joining us until tomorrow, dear.” I nodded before thanking her and we took our seats at the table. At the head of the table there was an empty chair, I would assume for the Dark Lord, then Narcissa sat on the left then Draco, me and Bellatrix and on the other side of Narcissa sat Snape followed by Death Eaters I didn’t know. No one spoke, drinks and food weren’t even on the table and I guessed it was because the Dark Lord wasn’t there. Draco and I no longer touched and I longed for it. His touch kept the nerves away. Without it, I’m trembling and I could feel my stomach turning and turning.

The doors opened and everyone stood up and I followed suit feeling confused. I am the only one at the table who has never met the Dark Lord. I watched him walk through the doors, not smiling and showing no expression what so ever on his face. He nodded to each of us and it was our cue to sit. I felt like throwing up. Draco’s cold hand brushed mine and I refrained from looking at him. I watched the Dark Lord survey his followers at the table and then he smiled.

“Ah, my dear followers, you 8 are exactly who I wanted to see this evening,” he looked at everyone but stopped at me. His smile grew a bit wider as he looked at me and I just stared back trying my best not to waver. “I see we have a new face among us today.” He paused again and I could feel everyone but Draco looking at me. I still watched the Dark Lord. “Now, Acey Blake, when Bella told me you looked a lot like your Grandmother I barely believed her. But having you here, in front of me, I would say you are the exact spinning image of Arabella Blake. Has anyone ever told you this?”

I nod before answering, “yes but it’s a deeper honor coming from you, my-er I would say my Lord but I’m not certain if I should.” I heard someone gasp but I brushed it aside. Fear seems useless now. The Dark Lord smiles and a chuckle came from between his lips.

“You are brave. Wise too. At this very moment, you are not a follower of mine. At this very moment, you Acey Blake have not proven to me that you are worthy to be my follower. But, your mother has asked me to wait until she and your father have arrived to see my judgment. I have honored this since they are doing a very important task right now. So tonight, Acey Blake, relax and let’s eat.” As soon as the words let’s eat escaped his mouth food appeared along with drinks. Everyone began eating, I even picked at some food and I felt Draco’s hand grab my hand I had settling on my lap. We didn’t dare make eye contact. This touching right now is highly dangerous but at the moment I didn’t care.

I just wanted him to keep the nerves at bay as we sat in the Dark Lord’s presence. That’s exactly what his touch did.