Don't Be So Hard on Yourself

I’m not going to ask Draco, that’s insane. Blaise is insane. I watched the enchanted clock on the wall, it barely ticked on but Sunrise was spelled out in deep green. I sighed getting up and dressing for school. I decided to grab my books and headed towards the Great Hall. No one was in the common room and I was thankful for it. But as soon as I walked through the doors I was face to face with Draco. We stared at each other, not moving an inch, but I took in his features. His eyes seemed duller, tired and his face reflect the same thing. My breathing slowed and I could feel my heart trying to break through my chest. Draco’s mouth opened and closed a few times. But we didn’t move.

I couldn’t move. I felt cemented to this spot. I wanted to say something, I wanted to run but I couldn’t do anything. I feel like I’ve lost my voice. I can’t figure this out.

“Acey,” his voice was soft and I heard the desperation in his voice. I shook my head and walked away from him. “You can’t avoid me forever!” He yelled after me and I felt tears sting at my eyes. I blinked a few times but kept walking until the tears just fell down my cheeks.

I sat down at the very empty Slytherin table and I pushed my books in front of me and began to study. Well, I tried. I couldn’t concentrate. Everything from the past week just began to catch up to me and tears kept falling. I laid my head down on my arms and cried into my robe covered arms. I’m thankful no one wakes this early, so I was alone. Alone to cry freely. Or so I thought.

“Hey? Are you okay?” I looked up to see someone standing in front of me. I couldn’t tell who they were through my blurry eyes so I wiped at my tears furiously. I looked at them again to see Hermione Granger staring at me with her cheeks blushing. I nodded slowly.

“I’m fine, Granger.” I instantly felt bad for making my words come out harsher than I had meant to. Hermione’s face dropped a little bit and she nodded in a glum manner before starting to walk off. “Alright, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. It’s just I’m so stressed and I-I was wondering if you would help me with this Charms essay.” I lied to get her to feel better; she looked at me with a hesitant look.

“Well alright, do you want to go to the library? I don’t expect the Great Hall to be this quiet in a matter of minutes,” she smiled softly and I nodded. I grabbed my things and we began walking towards the library. “I-I know we don’t really see eye to eye but I am really sorry for what Harry said to you. He feels horrible about it.”

I shook my head; I don’t even care about that. When Harry said what he said, it just told me this was reality and I should stop thinking that everything is a fairytale. “Hermione, I wasn’t even upset about what Harry said.” I didn’t say thing further and Hermione didn’t press the subject further. She just nodded and we sat down at a table together.

“About that Charms?” I was thankful to have one person to talk to right now that didn’t give me a look of sympathy because they knew I was upset about Draco. It was refreshing.

Hermione showed me where I could find the information before excusing herself to find another book to help me. I pretended I had no clue what I was talking about and let her help me. We spent all of breakfast working on Charms then she left to go to her Ancient Runes class. I finished my essay in the free period before someone sat across from me. I looked up to see the very same almond-shaped green eyes I had seen in Snape’s mind.

“Harry Potter,” I mumbled before finishing my last sentence and he didn’t say a word, he just looked at me. I know he’s judging me. It’s what he does. I don’t blame him, I’d judge me too. His mouth moved to open and close just like Draco’s did earlier and I just stared at him; not saying a word.

“I don’t trust him and I never had. You’re just guilty by association.” I was stunned by his words. I was expecting either an apology or another theory about how I’m a Death Eater. I watched Harry’s shoulders heave with his deep breath.

“I don’t expect you to trust him,” I told him truthfully after his words sunk in. He eyed me skeptically; chills ran up my spine as I looked at the exact eyes from Snape’s memory. Lily was his mother. She had to be. My stomach twist with this new realization and my heart hurt for Snape. “I-I’ve got to get my things for Potions.” I grabbed my things as quick as I could before leaving the library and leaving Harry to stare at my now empty seat stunned.

I hurried towards Potions, thankful that the bell rang while I was in the hallways; I figured I’ll be the first in the room. I walked down the corridor and saw that students had left the room. I sucked in a deep breath to calm my nerves and walked into class. I stopped suddenly to see the very person I didn’t want to see sitting at his usual seat. Draco turned around and stared at me. Once again, I was cemented under his stare. His eyes motioned to my seat before moving one side of his lips upward in a sad attempt of a smile. My heart pounded as I took small steps towards my seat. His stare still on me as I sat down, I took in a deep breath before he spoke.

“H-how are you?” He breathed which made me almost drop my book off the table. My body shook as I looked at him. He’s asking me how I am. I thought he would have asked for me to take him back. I tried to swallow to get rid of the lump in my throat but my mouth seemed drier than a desert.

“G-good,” I stuttered before taking in a deep breath. I breathed deeply a few times, opening my book to some random page as Draco fiddled with his quill. Neither of us spoke until he coughed. I looked up and my eyes met his cold ones causing me to shudder involuntarily.

“How are your lessons going?” I felt my jaw drop a little but I moved it to the side to give him a skeptical look. Why wasn’t he asking me to take him back like the Draco I know would?

“T-There going well,” I took in a deep breath. “Draco?” He turned to look at me full on to show he was listening. My eyes moved from his eyes to his lips to his hands curled into a fist on his thighs then back to his eyes again. “You know that Slughorn’s having this party right before Holiday right?” He nodded and I could tell he wasn’t fully getting my point. I took in a deep breath from my nose. “W-would you like to go with me?”

Time ticked away slowly. My heart pounded against my chest and the classroom got noisier. As Draco’s eyes and mouth dropped slightly I could feel the room getting smaller. “Acey,” he spoke so soft I could barely hear him. “I can’t.” Everything seemed to stop. I stared at him for a few moments before my jaw clenched. The blood began to boil in my veins and I shook with rage.

“This is why I’m mad at you Draco. I bet you’re just going to be stupid and get yourself caught. If you get expelled…” I couldn’t even finish; at this point I was fuming and I just wanted to leave. I could feel so many eyes on me even though I was whispering towards Draco. Draco looked at me and I could see all the hurt behind his cool eyes. My stomach began to do flips and I felt dizzy.

“I need you Acey, no matter how mad you are at me, I still need you.” I shook my head, tears began to collect at the corners of my eyes but I got up from my seat. I gathered my things and walked towards Slughorn.

“Sir, I’m not feeling to well, may I go down to the hospital wing?” Slughorn nodded telling me what I’ll be missing and to get the homework from someone later. I left without saying another word and without looking to Draco. I’m sick of him hurting me, even if he barely tries.

I walked down towards the hospital wing but ended up just turning and walking towards the common room. I’ll just sit there and wait for class to be over then head to dinner. So that’s exactly what I did. I read what I missed in Potions, worked on more homework then went to dinner. I sat down next to Kelsi who gave me a look that definitely read “what-happened-in-Potions” which Nott and Blaise were giving me also.

“I did what you asked, Zabini, I asked Draco. He declined like I knew he would.” I snapped sounding more bitterly than I felt. Blaise gave me a sad smile as did Nott and Kelsi.

“It’s alright, Ace, I’ll go with you. Kelsi and Nott will be there. We don’t have to stay long either.” I nodded picking at the food I piled on my food. I felt someone staring at me and I made the mistake to look up. Draco stared at me from a few people down, in between Goyle and Crabbe and I felt a tingle go down my spine as I looked into his eyes. He looked so hurt and angry at the same time. We kept our eyes on each other before he got up and walked out of the Great Hall. I just returned my eyes to my plate, suddenly lost my appetite.

“We can go dress shopping on Saturday unless you want your mom to send you a dress?” Kelsi gave me a smile and I nodded. “We can go shopping.” I told her knowing there has to be a shop in Hogsmeade. The party isn’t for another two weeks.

At least this whole party will keep Draco out of my thoughts.