Innocence

I was sitting in front of the TV, watching a video Mom had tapped of Dad and me. I was putting it together with a song for the funeral. It is part of helping me let go.

Wind blowin’ on my face
Sidewalk flyin’ beneath my bike
A five year-old’s first taste
Of what freedom’s really like
He was runnin’ right beside me
His hand holdin’ on the seat
I took a deep breath and hollered
As I headed for the street

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Oh, I think I’m ready
To do this on my own
It’s still a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go

I was standin’ at the altar
Between the two loves of my life
To one I’ve been a daughter
To one I soon would be a wife
When the preacher asked,
‘Who gives this woman?’
Daddy’s eyes filled up with tears
He kept holdin’ tightly to my arm
‘Till I whispered in his ear

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Oh, I think I’m ready
To do this on my own
It still feels a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go

It was killin’ me to see
The strongest man I ever knew
Wastin’ away to nothin’
In that hospital room
‘You know he’s only hangin’ on for you’
That’s what the night nurse said
My voice and heart were breakin’
As I crawled up in his bed, and said

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Your little girl is ready
To do this on my own
It’s gonna be a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go
You can let go

"The song fits." I jumped at the sudden voice behind me. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you," Matt said softly, walking over to sit on the couch next to me.

"One part's just missing from it," I mumbled, looking down at my hands.

Matt sighed. "I'm sure the right guy will come along soon."

I looked up at him, my eyes still swollen and sore from crying. "You were the right guy, Matt," I whispered.

He looked at me with sadness. "What happened to us, Mandy?" He was the only one that was allowed to call me that... If anyone else did, I would kill them.

I laughed coldly. "You got the school slut pregnant," I said, standing up.

He held his head in his hands. "I never wanted things to end like that between us... I never wanted them to end at all."

"What did you expect me to do, Matt? Pat your hand and tell you everything was okay? Tell you to not do it again and go on with our lives?! You're seriously don't know me if that's what you expected."

"I don't know you anymore, Amanda!" He yelled, standing up. "You disappear the day after Graduation, and then come back four years later, and you're a totally different person!"

I scoffed. "How so?"

"You're drinking for one." He held up his finger. "You never, ever even took a sip of alcohol when you were here. Even when we were all drinking and getting wasted, you never touched one beer, or anything else. Now you're drinking whole bottles of Jack and acting like beer is water!" He shook his head.

"Oh, and you act like you're some kind of saint!"

"I never said that." He threw back. "You act like you're a stranger around the guys, now. Brian had to use his little sister to get you out of the house! He never even had to ask for you to come out."

"Did you ever think that all of this was because of you, Matthew?!" I yelled, tears falling free down my face.

He became silent and just stared at me. Before I knew what was happening, I was in his arms and his lips attached to mine. All my pent up anger and frustration towards him was taken out on him by pulling his clothes off as he tore off mine. Everything that we've missed showing each other was slowly coming out as we lay on the floor, our bodies moving in sync.

My mind was so clouded that I couldn't even remember what we were just fighting about. All I could think about was being in his arms once again and never wanting him to let go.

But not every fairy tale has a happy ending.

As we both lay there, trying to catch our breaths, realization splashed me like a cold bucket of water. I shook my head, biting back the tears as I scrambled to put my clothes back on.

"What's wrong?" He asked, putting his clothes back on also.

"This was a mistake," I choked out. He stopped, looking at me with a hurt look. "You have a... girlfriend." I almost couldn't get the word out. "This can't be happening, Matt. I can't deal with this right now. I can't deal with you right now."

"What's that supposed to mean? And why can't you deal with me right now?" He scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Because my dad just died, Matt!" His eyes softened as he let his arms fall to his sides. "I don't have time to be confused and hurt about what happened with us. I have to somehow be strong and be there for my mom right now. We both just lost the strongest man in our lives, and we're somehow being asked to be strong about it. Do you even know how to do that? Because I sure as hell don't!" By now, I was just rambling non sense.

He didn't say anything as he just pulled me into his arms and held me. He stroked my hair as he held me close, showing me he wasn't going anywhere.

Right now, that was all I needed. He could be my worst enemy, and I wouldn't care. I just needed someone told me.