Be My Escape

I should have known things were about to get bad.

My first clue was the tension between Josh and me for the next few days. It started out as nothing major, really. If you were watching us from the outside, you wouldn’t have been able to pinpoint the tension. But we were us and we knew, or rather I knew. I could feel it every time we were around each other. And I hated it. I just wanted to go back to where we were.

The fights were never anything major. It felt like we were back to square one though, back to the stupid, meaningless tiffs we had in the very beginning and I wasn’t sure why. But we got over the fights quickly; they were always about something as stupid as what to eat for lunch or dinner, or what to watch on TV. It almost felt like we were picking fights with each other, but that just sounded ridiculous.

It wasn’t just the fights or the awkward tension lingering between us though.

The second clue was when Josh decided not to sleep at my place anymore. He always had an excuse, albeit lame. They were always along the lines of “I’m tired” or “your mattress is weird and hurting my back.” My favorite was that I talked in my sleep--that hurt the most, though, because I felt like he was getting digs in regards to my nightmares.

I tried ignoring it. I figured maybe he was just in a bad mood and he was taking it out on me; I was a girl, after all, and I had done this more times than I could count. But the bad moods didn’t fade, and then I just started to get worried.

I guess I was to blame too though. I didn’t try to fix anything. If anything, I probably made everything worse. Josh and I were so similar that it was scary; we were both stubborn and hated to admit we were wrong. So the little fights built up, and the tension built up, and the bad moods worsened. Suddenly, it felt like we constantly had a black cloud hovering over the two of us.

I wanted to fix things, but it’s hard to fix things when you don’t know what’s wrong in the first place. I was determined to try though.

Before I went to work that day, I went over to Max and the guys’ flat to see if Josh would meet me for lunch. I felt a familiar sting as I waited for someone to answer the door, the same sting I’d been feeling every night Josh left and didn’t sleep at my place. It hurt, but it was more of a nagging pain that just wouldn’t go away.

Dan was the one to answer the door, finally. “Hey, Peyt. What’s up?”

I smiled back, because Dan’s friendliness was contagious, and shrugged. “Is Josh here? I was just going to see if he wanted to grab lunch with me later.”

Dan’s pitty smile was all I needed to know Josh wasn’t there, and that I more than likely wouldn’t be getting to eat lunch with him. I swear, my life was really awesome.

I sighed. “He’s not here is he?”

He shook his head.

“He’s in the studio, yeah?”

He nodded.

“Fuck this,” I mumbled in frustration, then gave Dan a quick smile before heading down the hall.

I really was trying to fix whatever was broken, but it was like trying to fix the crack in the invisible plate – nearly impossible, and so frustrating it made you want to cry.

***

Work was brutal, mainly because I just didn’t want to be there. I tried to get things done as quickly as possible, but there was a lot to do for some reason. Between all of the stuff I had to file and deliver and trying to avoid Beth and Jake like I always did, the day actually started to go rather quickly.

When I got a text from Josh about an hour before my lunchtime, I was pretty happy. It said he wanted to have lunch with me and he would pick me up at the office. I would be lying if I said his message didn’t give me a little reassurance.

When lunch finally rolled around, I popped my head into my dad’s office to tell him my plans for lunch. “Hi dad,” I smiled.

“Hi sweetheart, what’s up?”

“I’m going to lunch with Josh, that okay? I’ll be back as soon as possible to finish filing and stuff.”

He smiled and nodded. “Perfectly fine, dear. You deserve a little break, you’ve been working hard these past few days.”

I thanked him and then left. As I was walking down the hallway, I noticed Josh at the end of it, but he was not alone. He was standing with Jake, and I could tell their little conversation was not going well just by the way Josh was glaring at him as if he wanted to strangle Jake.

I tried to hurry to the end of the hall so I could pry Josh away from Jake, but I wasn’t fast enough. Before I even got half-way there, Josh was punching Jake. After that, everything went to hell.

Jake fell to the ground from the force of Josh’s punch, blood pouring from his nose and starting to cover his shirt. A crowd grew around them, but before anyone could throw Josh out permanently, he was leaving on his own. I didn’t even stop to check on Jake because I was sure he more than likely deserved it. I hurried down the hall as fast as I could in my heels and opted to take the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. I hurried down them, careful not to trip or fall, and when I got to the lobby of the building, I saw Josh stalking out the front door. “Josh!” I called after him, but he didn’t stop.

I ran after him, but it was a hard thing to do because of my high heels. When I finally caught up to him, I grabbed his arm roughly to stop him. “Josh! What the hell are you doing?”

He whipped around as soon as I was in contact with him, and the look in his eyes said it all: he was pissed. “I don’t want to talk about it right now,” he said lowly, his voice so full of anger that it almost physically stung. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Before I could question it, Josh was storming off down the sidewalk towards home.

I think that was when I realized everything was turning sour and I wasn’t exactly sure how to stop it.

***

When I got back into the office, I immediately went to my father, only to find Jake sitting in his office, his head tilted back as he held what appeared to be a towel up to his nose. Unfortunately, my dad was not in his office and instead, it was just Jake and I now. I wanted to vomit at the thoughts of being in such close proximity to him, but I refrained. “Where’s my dad?” I asked him almost immediately.

He shrugged his shoulders up and down.

“Not a good enough answer,” I hissed, stomping over to him. “Where is my father?” I ground out between my teeth, trying to make myself seem tougher than I was.

“I don’t know! He brought me in here, told me to sit and that he’d be right back. But I’m bloody great, thanks for asking,” he said with a roll of his eyes.

“I don’t know if you realize this Jake, but I really couldn’t care any less how you’re doing. You most likely deserved the punch, so stop whining.” Before he had a chance to protest, I turned on my heel to find my dad.

It didn’t take me long. Just as I was exiting his office, I ran into him, literally. “Peyton, watch out love. Don’t need any more injuries today, yeah?” He gave me a smile, but I could tell he was a little stressed out.

“Sorry, I was just looking for you actually. I hate to ask this after all the chaos, but I kind of need to head out. I finished all of the filing and sorting, so there’s really nothing left anyways.”

My dad sighed. I could see him mentally weighing the options in his mind. “Okay, get out before I change my mind.”

I grinned and kissed his cheek before bolting. He called after me when I was about halfway out, so I stopped to look at him. “Check on Josh, will you love? He’s not a violent boy, something must be wrong.”

I frowned, but nodded in agreement and then took off. I needed to get home, I needed to talk to Josh and see what was wrong, but most of all I needed to fix this.

***

Unfortunately, when I got home, Josh wasn’t there anyways so I couldn’t talk to him. I debated going back to the office, but there really wasn’t anything there for me to do anyways, so I stayed home. I changed into a pair of yoga pants, a long sleeved t-shirt, and put my slippers on before collapsing on the couch to watch TV.

I almost immediately fell asleep, and didn’t wake up until it was dark out, and even then it was only because someone was knocking on my door. Rubbing my eyes, I got up and hurried over to the door. I looked through the peep-hole only to reveal Josh.

I took a second to compose myself before finally opening the door. “Hi,” I smiled weakly, stepping aside to let him in.

I was expecting Josh to be apologetic for the way he acted early, maybe to even give me an explanation. But instead, I got an angry Josh, except angry wasn’t even the correct word. It wasn’t strong enough. He was something else entirely.

His anger was almost scary, but not at the same time, mainly because I knew Josh. I knew how he was when he was angry, and even if it was a little intense, it was nothing to be afraid of. “What’s wrong?” I asked timidly. I may not have been afraid of him, but I still hated confrontation, and I could feel it in my bones that this was going to be just that: a huge fight.

“What’s wrong? Why don’t you tell me, Peyton.”

He was testing me; I could feel it in my bones. He knew something that he wasn’t supposed to know, and he wanted me to tell him of it before he caught me keeping secrets from him. I could feel that much; the worst part was I didn’t know what he knew. I didn’t know what any of this was about.

“No Josh, why don’t you just tell me what the hell has you so worked up first.”

He scoffed and shook his head. “Worked up doesn’t really even begin to explain how raging pissed I am, Peyton. I was worked up the other day. I could tell you’ve been keeping things from me, but I didn’t push it. I figured you’d tell me eventually, and if you didn’t then it must not have been too important.” He shook his head and glared at me with fire in his eyes. “But neither of those is true. You didn’t tell me, and it was really important. All of it, everything you’ve kept from me.”

Now I was feeling helpless and I hated that. “Josh, what are you—”

“I trusted you, Peyton. I trusted you more than I trusted Beth even, and yet you turn around and crush me? Did you not believe me when I said I had a hard time trustin’ people? Did you think I was exaggeratin’?”

“Just tell me what I did, Josh!” I yelled, suddenly fed up with him. He couldn’t play the innocent victim role without letting me know what I did wrong. That wasn’t fair.

“You never fuckin’ trusted me, Peyton! You trusted that bloke Jake like it was nothing, you slept with him like that was nothing even though he treated you like proper shit, but then I come along and what? I’m just the guy who will keep you company until you go back to the States?”

I gasped.”You son of a bitch,” I said lowly.

“What? Hurts to get a little taste of your own medicine, huh?”

I shook my head. “So what? What I did with Jake is none of your business, Josh. You have no right to come in here, acting all high and mighty just because I was with someone before I was with you. That’s the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard.”

“You trusted him!” he exploded. “You told him everything that’s wrong with you, but you won’t fuckin’ tell me! You don’t trust me any further than you can throw me!” he yelled, pointing an accusing finger at me.

Suddenly, it hit me. Why he punched Jake. Why he was so upset. Why he thought I didn’t trust him.

He knew.

“Oh God,” I said quietly, taking a step closer to him. “Josh, that’s not true. I—I trust you more than you realize, but…” I trailed off, only because I wasn’t sure how to explain it. I’m not sure I could explain it.

“Cat got your tongue?” He asked, disgust in his voice.

I blinked my eyes hard, trying to rid of the tears that were springing to my eyes. “Josh, I’m so sorry,” I told him honestly, my voice cracking.

He shook his head. “Sorry you got caught,” he spat. “And to think, you only had a few more weeks of keepin’ secrets before I’d be gone and you wouldn’t have to see me again. You almost got what you wanted.”

With one final shake of his head, he brushed by me. He stopped at the door to throw one final thing at me. “You’re worse than Beth, Peyton. I wasn’t sure about you when I first met you and now I know why. So thanks for showing your true whore colors.”

It stung. I’d be lying if I said everything he said to me, every word he uttered, didn’t hurt. I had trusted Josh more than he realized, and he had crushed me just like Jake had.

Just when I thought England was going to heal me, something like this happens and I feel more broken than I was before. That night, I cried myself to sleep and had nightmares worse than I ever had.

After that night, I was sure I would never be okay again.