Remember Last Knight

&elle

I’m thankful for so much. I can’t help but think that, over the next few days. Running into my Mom on the way downstairs, I realize that I’m thankful for her. Despite the shit I’ve put her through and everything she’s retaliated with, I’m thankful; which is why I make more of an effort to speak to her, sweetly, or give her a kiss goodnight before I climb to my room. Dad is there, as well, and I’m thankful for the patience he has for Mom, as she sits on the opposite side of the couch from him, or locks herself in their room. I’m so thankful for them, and for the changes we’re all making. I’m thankful for my brother, as well, despite his growing angst and separation from the rest of us.

But most of all, I’m thankful for the newest piece of the puzzle that is my life. Knight.

**

I’m halfway to sleep. I’m on the edge of it, hanging on the edge of my bed, the only thing holding me back from a two foot fall to the ground being Knight’s arm, curled around me. His fingers are stretched out, his palm warm against my cool skin. I watch him through half-closed eyes.

He’s tired. We both are. The Texan heat can really wear a person down. His mouth is open just a tad, a tiny smile peaking out to me from pink lips. Open just enough for him to let out a quick chuckle when he lifts his hand ever so often, sending me backwards a half an inch, my hands reaching out to grab a fistful of his shirt.

He does it again. I can’t help but let out a noise whenever this happens, most likely resembling a fast, high pitched squeal. I reach out again, grabbing at the fabric that has been saving me from falling (not that Knight isn’t reaching out for me just as I am for him.) I don’t let go now, only holding on as I fight my drooping eyelids in what is a losing battle on my part.

I feel myself rolling, falling, and I can hear Knight’s low string of cuss words, then I can see him as I open my eyes, and I haven’t been stopped. I’m still falling, and so is he, and before I fully understand what has just happened, my back hits the ground with a light thud, Knight’s body following mine, half of it covering me.

I groan, pushing at his body. I’m still not fully awake, but I can only figure that Knight slipped into sleep just as I had, his grip faltering, leading to our tumble. He doesn’t budge, really, only lifting his leg from mine, shifting his body, whispering to me.

“Elle,” I don’t respond to my name. I ignore him at first, only giving him the pleasure of a smile the second time, then ignoring the next few calls. But then, he’s pulling at my skin, at my arm, pulling me up, over him, and I don’t like it, I just want sleep, and well, he wants to bother me. An animal like noise leaves my mouth, and I have to laugh at myself, because honestly, it was the most unattractive groan/growl I’d ever heard.

Knight’s laughing with me, allowing me to slide away from him, only slightly, and then he’s sitting there, propped up, his face only inches away from mine. I reach up, leaving a kiss for him. The next thing, I’m out of my stupor, and Knight’s pulling at my clothes, and I’m pulling at his, and I fully understand what this could lead to, and I know that I don’t want it. Or maybe I do.

I’m not the one to pull away first, despite my racing thoughts. It’s Knight, actually, who disengages his lips from mine, though he didn’t move away. I almost flush red at his next grouping of words.

“Are you a virgin?”

This was something we’d never talked about. We joked, of course. Mainly to his expense; rarely to mine. So, now, when he asked, I couldn’t help feel embarrassed, and shy, and rightfully ashamed.

&knight

I watched her every move. I had a feeling I would know the answer, and that I wouldn’t like it. Not that I had the room to like or judge either answer she could give, considering my own sexual adventures.

She chewed at her bottom lip, and I knew that the answer could go either way, fifty fifty, heads or tails. She looked up at me, a few strands of sandy hair falling into her eyes, which never left my face as she shook her head.

No, of course. She wasn’t a virgin.

Louis had taken that from her, too.

&elle

“Are you upset?” I ask. I don’t know why I do, but for whatever reason, it’s important to me. I don’t feel proud of myself for throwing away my virginity. If I’d known that everything that happened with Louis was going to take place or if I’d had an inkling of a clue that I would meet Knight… I don’t think I would have done it. I mean, I’m not about to strip down to my birthday suit and go at it with anyone, but it mattered to me – not sex, and not giving up my virginity, not anymore – it mattered to me what Knight thought. Because Knight’s not just my boyfriend, he’s my best friend.

He doesn’t answer. He just closes his eyes, and breathes. I wait, watching silently.

“Damn it, I really thought I’d hit the jackpot this time,” He’s opened his eyes now, and I can see the smirk forming. “You know, I’d get to take my turn at turning an innocent flower into an animal or some shit… Ow.” He rubbed at his chest, which I’d pounded at with the side of my closed fist. He laughed, pulling me closer. I twisted around in his grasp, but he didn’t let go.

“It’s not like we were about to get it going right here right now anyway, you perv.” I say, ignoring his hand, which has slipped up past the hem of my shirt, his fingers running over the skin of my lower back.

“Tell me about it,” Knight said, grinning. “I bet you’re some fucking animal, right? I bet you get all dangerous and mad and would just start beating me…. kinky.” I also ignored the wink.

“Oh, please,” I laugh. “Like you could handle all that. We all know you’re a one pump chump, and then you’re softer than marshmallows in the sun.”

He feigns hurt, I see, and I feel him pulling me even closer, sitting us up. He reaches out his hand for mine, and I take it. I pull at his hand, and he takes his seat to my left. His denim clad knee bumps my bare skin, his legs stretched out past mine. I wait. I’m afraid for what I think comes next.

I’m afraid of what does come next.

“Tell me how it happened,” he said, barely louder than a whisper. “Please.”

I close my eyes. I don’t question this; I only take myself back in time, to Louis’ birthday.

“It was his birthday. It wasn’t my idea. We didn’t plan it, really, it just kind of happened. We were at his house, and he convinced me to take a hit… I’d never done it before. He said it would mellow me out; that he just wanted us to chill for his birthday. He said he wanted to chill out, with just me, his girl.”

I readjusted my hold on Knight’s hand, and he squeezed my fingers. I took a breath, then continued, eyes still closed. “I didn’t really like it… the weed. I’d never liked the smell, and I certainly didn’t like the feeling. It was my conscience, not the actual act of doing it and feeling it, y’know? So, for the day, I thought we were just going to stay there, at his house, watch a few movies or something.

“Then, we were just… kissing. He was just kissing me and I was just kinda there, in this daze, and then he was pulling at my shirt, and my jeans. I didn’t say yes, and I didn’t say no. He didn’t really know what he was doing. I’m pretty sure I was his first. Not that I was his last. I didn’t like it. It hurt. A lot. I cried afterwards, in the bathroom. I hated it, and I left an hour later, even though I was supposed to hang out all day. I was afraid he was going to want to do it again, because as much as I hated it, he liked it. The whole time I was there afterwards he would just look over at me, grab my leg or kiss my neck and whisper about how great it was.

“I guess that’s why he slept around on me because I wasn’t ready for that, and he was. I never had sex with him again. He wanted to, but I told him no, and that made him mad. That’s when he got really mad the first time, when I said no. We’d come back from a party and he was drunk, and he wanted it, but I didn’t, so I said no, and he hit me. I left, and I didn’t talk to him for a week. He came over to my house with flowers and took me out to breakfast to apologize, and I forgave him. Then, a few days later, he was dropping me off, and he put his hand down my pants – I hit him first.

“Louis didn’t like that I didn’t want sex; that I didn’t want that side of him. We started fighting more and more, and it got physical a lot. I heard rumors about him sleeping around, but I didn’t believe them completely. Only believe half of what you hear and all of what you see, right? That’s why it took me so long to break up with him. God, I was so dumb. So fucking dumb and young and naïve.”

I dropped my head back against my mattress. There. It was out now, in the open. The real story of how I lost my virginity, and how Louis started cheating, and how I got to be so fucked up. The truth, it’s floating in the air now, in the middle of my room, soaking into the walls and the carpet and drifting out the open window.

&knight

I’m shaking and I don’t realize it, not until Elle is there, beside me, sitting on her knees, running her hands through my hair, holding my face in her hands as she tries to calm me.

“Knight, now listen, Knight, take a breath, do you hear me? Knight… Knight…” I can’t focus on anything real. I try to hear Elle’s voice, let it carry me back to reality, but it’s not easy. All I can see is the Louis I’d known, his hands on Elle, both in bed and striking her. All I can think is of hurting him, and all I can feel is the need to do so in my bones and blood.

“We can’t do anything about it now, Knight. It’s the past. It’s the past. It’s in the past.”

She’s holding both of my hands in hers. Her eyes are wide, and her face is pale.

“You scared me,” Elle whispered. Her words frighten me, because I know scaring Elle is not an easy thing to do. I nod my head, mumbling a sorry, reaching out for her.

**

We’re back again. In bed. It really is time for sleep now, and we’re both on the verge of dreamland. I take a final swing at being alert.

“Elle,” I whisper.

“Yeah?” She says, eyebrows raising, eyes not opening.

“I’m not a virgin, either,” I whisper.

“Well, I knew that, silly,” she says, her hand fumbling for mine. She opens her eyes some, looking across at me. I don’t know how I feel about the airy way she says this.

“Does that bother you?”

She shakes her head. I don’t believe her completely, but I hate myself to doubt her.

“Have you ever taken someone’s virginity?”

“No, I haven’t.”

She opens her eyes completely now, leveling my expression. “Good,” she says, her voice at a normal level now. “People who do that… they’re not good. Unless you really, truly love someone, you should never do that to them. People who take things that aren’t theirs, they’re not worth a dime in my book.”

“I almost did. Once. She was drunk, and I barely knew her. It felt wrong. Not that the others’ felt right, but this felt really, really wrong.”

Elle’s breath was slower now. Her eyelids had fallen again; she was asleep. I waited for a moment, not knowing if she’d heard what I had said or not. I closed my eyes as well, taking a deep breath and settling in.

If I ever got my real chance with Elle… if we lasted… I wouldn’t ever be worthless. I’d be something, as long as I’d have her. I wouldn’t need to take what wasn’t mine. I’d never need to stoop to that low place, where people don’t think and just do. Basically, if it was up to me, I’d never be that guy who took that girl’s virginity. I’d just be that guy, that Knight watching over his Princess as she slept.