Life Given.

My insecurities were showing. I was more than nervous- I was scared out of my wits. I couldn’t do it, only a fool would go into that room. I started toward my car.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” I looked at him, I felt so awful. He was stuck with a rat coward like me.

“I can’t do it, Jim, I’m so scared.” He gave me that look, the same look he’s been giving me ever since I rolled up at the studio.

“See, here’s the thing: you CAN do it, you’re just standing in your own way. So, suck it up and go in there.” I closed my eyes trying to be alone in my own head. I stopped my attempts at willing him away a long time ago: he wasn’t going anywhere. “I’ll be with you the entire time, I won’t leave, I promise.” It felt so weird, he put his hand on my shoulder, and I could feel it. But no one else could see him. Just me, only me.

“Okay,” I took an incredibly deep breath and walked in to the studio, it was dark where the four judges sat. “My name is Natalie…” I was cut off, but not by them.

“Way to sound unconfident. Where’s the little punk I’ve been chilling with for the past eight months?” I had to keep it cool if I started talking to Jimmy when no one else could see him I would look terribly insane.

“You’re not on the list of auditions.” M. Shadows pointed out after looking at a couple of pages of names. “Sorry.” I looked to the ground then looked a Jimmy; I knew it wasn’t going to work.

“Ask them if they would make an exception, something tells me they will.” I trusted his judgment, he knew the guys a load better than I did.

“Do you think you could make an exception? I’m not trying to sound all desperate, I just… want a chance.” I sounded pitiful, but when I glanced to the left where Jimmy stood he nodded approvingly. I smiled slightly, hoping they would let me slide through.

“How about this…” Syn said looking at a couple of things on the table, looking kind of stressed, “We’ll hand you the forms and tell you a song to learn. In one hour you come back and get your chance.” I smiled wider; glancing at a triumphant Jimmy of course he was right.

“Thank-you, so much” I took the forms from him and left, I had one hour to learn Almost Easy, a song I never once attempted in my life. I didn’t drive back home because it would take me a year and a half, but instead drove away from the studio and filled out the audition forms.

“Is it too early to say I told you so?” Of course Jimmy would be sitting in the passenger seat criticizing my attempts at learning from a CD.

“No, because I don’t know the song” I could have died there. Almost Easy was no where near easy. I listened and listened to the song trying to figure it out, but I would get distracted by the vocals or guitars or even mixed up by the bass line.

“How about some help?” He asked. I only let out the most pitiful cry of thanks as he taught me the song.

“Isn’t this cheating?” I had five minuets and I was speeding back to the studio, I learned a lot of the song that I didn’t know shit about from him.

“No, I think you’re supposed to replace me, you’re going to be the one to carry on my legacy. So technically the apprentice is just getting help from the master.” It was almost too flattering the way he said it all, but it didn’t change one fact… I still had to audition. “I don’t know what you’re all nervous about; you do amazingly at live auditions.” He wasn’t lying there. Any kind of musical honor or honor band I ever got into in high school I got to through a live audition. Strange, but not unheard of.

I walked into the studio like seven seconds late. More or less, I didn’t walk as I did bust into a dead sprint at the last second fearing it would be like all the other auditions I’ve ever had where one second was too late.

“Kid, you’re running way too fast. The clocks in this place are five minuets slow.” I got inside and composed myself and handed Syn back the papers. They looked over it while I readjusted the drum-kit. I kind of got everything mapped out, the way Jimmy explained.
I let it rip, making sure to keep the tempo right and have the rhythms on track. I also had Jimmy in my ear giving me hints and helpful little things to get me through the song. I finished and about went into shock. I made it through and the piece actually sounded recognizable. I cheated, but no one could ever know. I got out from behind the drums and stood there rather awkwardly as they just stared at me, then some papers and shuffled around a bit. I didn’t know what to do.

“Natalie, how do you feel about replacing The Rev?” Zacky asked, looking up from my paper and passing it to Johnny who read it intently.

“Pick your words carefully, they’ve been asking this question to everyone.” Jimmy warned. But I already knew what I was going to say.

“I’m not here to replace him. I don’t want to replace anyone, I just want to try and do an idol of mine some justice.” I held my breath; I didn’t know how that was going to roll. Jimmy nodded approvingly again. I looked at the row of guys who clearly were making this the most difficult audition of my life.

“You’re just eighteen, what makes you think you can handle being on the road for such a long time?” Johnny asked, passing my paper to Matt.

“Answer honestly; tell them about how you lived.” I nodded but it was hardly visible. I took another shaky deep breath, it seemed like that was all I was doing lately.

“It’s not so foreign to me. My dad was in the military and we moved a lot. Maybe it wasn’t as much as being on tour would be, but I know the strain of constant travels and I’ve already learned how to handle it.” I wasn’t about to go and lie to anyone. I’ve never put down roots because I’ve never had more than three years to make super-duper best friends. As far as it’s pushed me from the norm for a teenager, I’ve learned how to cope and it’s made me stronger, almost impervious to emotional pain… almost.

“You were in a band before, why not anymore?” I gulped; I didn’t know how to answer this question without being pitiful. Matt, he was a killer.

“Just be honest, Nat, you keep getting scared for no reason at all.” Jimmy was assertive and pretty much pushed me.

“Last October we went to Vegas to record our first album. On our way back we were celebrating and we crashed. Only the bassist and I survived initially. I was in a coma for almost three months and the bassist died from internal bleeding.” That was never a story I was proud to tell, more or less I had a lot of problems telling. I knew Jimmy had his arm over my shoulders, it just still hurt. I was dismissed without a question from Syn. They just said they would call. Jimmy kept telling me that meant they were going to say yes. I had a problem believing that but the next day I was asked back out to the studio.