Life Given.

It was about twenty minuets before we were expected to play for an arena full of people and the guitars and bass were brought backstage. It wasn’t more than a couple of minuets or five, when Brian got up and stormed out, his guitar still in hand. Everyone looked at the door, like that would bring him back so he could explain why he was so angry. They all must have figured the same thing I did.

“I guess he just needs his space before the show.” The guys turned their heads down, feeling just as awful.

“Follow him, Nat. Do what you do best.” Jimmy urged me out the door. I put my sticks in my back pocket and went into the hall and wandered until I found the guitarist sitting against a wall. He wasn’t crying or sobbing, just that painful kind of angry and sad that makes your heart throb. I sat down on my knees in front of him; we weren’t that far apart, but for some reason it felt like an entire football field.

“Brian…” He looked up at me with that same heated look then re-assumed his position. “Brian, look at me.” When he didn’t listen I pushed his forehead back, forcing him to look.

“What the hell do you want from me?” I disregarded his rage. “Just go the fuck away.”

“Okay, I’ll go, if you tell me one thing.” He nodded as well as he could while I held his head in place. “Why did you come out here? And don’t lie to me.” I pulled my hand back but he kept his head up.

“I’m betraying my best friend by going out on stage without him. I can’t do it, I can’t betray him.” He looked so hurt, not mad, but in so much pain.

“Can you tell him he’s not betraying me by doing what he loves because I loved it too,” I was given the perfect thing to say, because of that.

“I didn’t know Jimmy, but I can tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this…” I pushed my sticks into his hand. “This is what he loved.” I pushed the sticks back so he had his hand against his chest. “He loved music, and he loved you. And beyond a shadow of a doubt, he wouldn’t want someone that he held so close to stop doing what they loved because he isn’t here.” I teared up holding it back with everything I had left in me. I grabbed his guitar from behind me and pushed it into his other hands letting him drop the sticks to the ground unnoticed. “So, you’re going to take this,” I still held on to the guitar, “and you’re going to play it until your fingers bleed, until the pick-ups no longer pick-up, long after the amps have been unplugged, until all the strings break, until you know and believe that this is what you love, that this is where Jimmy wants you to be.” I shook the guitar slightly drawing his attention to it, “Someone important told me to do what I do best. So I’m passing that wisdom on to you. This is what you do best, this is who you are. So don’t change, don’t become anyone other than you. I never knew him, but I can promise that he would hate to see his brother give up on his dreams because he hit a snag in the master plan.”

I finished my long, painful speech. He looked me dead in the eye, just as teary eyed as I was and hugged me. It was a start.

“I’m proud of you kid, you know how to talk.” Jimmy smiled at the two of us. Even though the hug was actually slightly painful and uncomfortable, I didn’t say anything or try to let go before he was ready.

“You’re good kid, Natalie.” Brian muttered. He didn’t let go.

“You can call me Nat.” He squeezed tighter just for a moment before letting go. He stood up and pulled me up with him.

“Come on, Nat. We have a show to play and a friend to please.” He put an arm around me and carried his guitar in the other. We made our way out to where the rest of the guys were waiting for us. “You guys ready for a fucking riot?” Brian was pumped- he was in a much better mood. They all group hugged then Matt looked back at me.

“Well kid? I thought I already told you you’re part of the fucking band.” He pulled me right into the middle of all of them.

“That means you get stuck doing all the ritual shit we do.” Johnny laughed at me. Zacky pulled me over to the other side of the stage where him and I would enter. He put his arm around me and laughed.

“You’re heart beat is through the roof kid, someone nervous?” I closed my eyes and started drumming on my leg with my sticks.

“Nervous is a major understatement. I’m butt-fucking terrified.”

“You’ll do just fine, we’re proud of you.”

The intro started playing.

The stage went dark.

That was our queue.