Status: Thanks to everyone reading! I love you all :P
Almost Lost It All
It Always Comes Back
I don't know what I'm thinking. I don't know what I'm feeling. Everything seems so empty; so lost.
The sun is rising and I've been in one place for two hours. The tall California trees leave me in shadow but the early sunshine cascades over the cold, engraved stone at my feet. I think about how ironic this scene is. I'm a broken, restless, confused man in darkness while Jimmy is flooded with light in his own, great heaven somewhere. A part of me wishes I could be along side of him without a worry or care. Because his name on the grave is so powerful that I wonder if mine will ever look that good on my stone. I wonder if I'll ever be able to get my life back together in time for my death to be as important as his. I want to mean something. I want people to be able to share memories about me with heavy hearts but big smiles. I want to live forever in the minds of everyone I love.
Will I feel this way until death? Numb and alone and hurt?
Even though I know Jimmy is somewhere better for him I can't help miss him so much. I've never been over it. Time passes by but nothing such as he can leave anyone's mind. At this moment I wish more than anything that I could see him again. Just ask his advice. What should I do? My mind is scrambled, telling me to forget Jen because it's not right to love someone so dangerous. It's not right to revisit my past so much. It's not fair to Michelle. She's been there for me for a long time; I still love her with some sliver of me. But my heart is screaming in protest against my mind. Whenever I think of my former love it does backflips with pain and joy that she's back in our lives. My body is filled with intense guilt and fear along with intense wanting. I know I just need my best friend to direct me somehow.
"I wish you could help me with this, Jimmy." I murmur quietly, hoping he hears me.
A patch of sunlight breaks through the tree branches and falls onto my chest, right over my heart. I look up at the flowered gravesite in surprise. I laugh lightly, in shock. The light spreads slowly from my chest to my face. It's not blinding, it's peaceful. I look up toward the east. Full morning clouds cover the rising sun, only letting out a few rays. I smile at the beautiful shimmering streaks. The world above me looks amazing. Like something someone could only imagine.
I suddenly don't feel so alone. My eyes drop to the stone again.
"Thank you." I whisper.
The sun is rising and I've been in one place for two hours. The tall California trees leave me in shadow but the early sunshine cascades over the cold, engraved stone at my feet. I think about how ironic this scene is. I'm a broken, restless, confused man in darkness while Jimmy is flooded with light in his own, great heaven somewhere. A part of me wishes I could be along side of him without a worry or care. Because his name on the grave is so powerful that I wonder if mine will ever look that good on my stone. I wonder if I'll ever be able to get my life back together in time for my death to be as important as his. I want to mean something. I want people to be able to share memories about me with heavy hearts but big smiles. I want to live forever in the minds of everyone I love.
Will I feel this way until death? Numb and alone and hurt?
Even though I know Jimmy is somewhere better for him I can't help miss him so much. I've never been over it. Time passes by but nothing such as he can leave anyone's mind. At this moment I wish more than anything that I could see him again. Just ask his advice. What should I do? My mind is scrambled, telling me to forget Jen because it's not right to love someone so dangerous. It's not right to revisit my past so much. It's not fair to Michelle. She's been there for me for a long time; I still love her with some sliver of me. But my heart is screaming in protest against my mind. Whenever I think of my former love it does backflips with pain and joy that she's back in our lives. My body is filled with intense guilt and fear along with intense wanting. I know I just need my best friend to direct me somehow.
"I wish you could help me with this, Jimmy." I murmur quietly, hoping he hears me.
A patch of sunlight breaks through the tree branches and falls onto my chest, right over my heart. I look up at the flowered gravesite in surprise. I laugh lightly, in shock. The light spreads slowly from my chest to my face. It's not blinding, it's peaceful. I look up toward the east. Full morning clouds cover the rising sun, only letting out a few rays. I smile at the beautiful shimmering streaks. The world above me looks amazing. Like something someone could only imagine.
I suddenly don't feel so alone. My eyes drop to the stone again.
"Thank you." I whisper.
♠ ♠ ♠
SUPER SHORT. I know that, and I know a lot of you are probably unhappy with me. I wanted it to be about Brian's faith in his best friend more than all of the pain. I promise you that the next chapters will be long and a lot better.Green Day - Good Riddance
Even the song list is short this time.
Oh. I'd really like to thank DeathbatScreamer for making me feel like an actually good writer. You're amazing! You make me so happy with the comments you leave! So thanks so much :D
And of course, thank you to everyone involved in this. You don't know how much I love it.