Almost Lost It All

My skin is burning with regret as I knock on Matt’s bedroom door. I feel horrible. I spent so much time wishing I could hold Jen again and once I had that chance I pushed her away. Now she’s hurt. She must think I hate her. I’ve made her angry. Will she want to leave? I swallow down the nerves so they stir dangerously in my stomach. If I drive her away again I don’t think I can get over it. If I’m the reason she’s in so much pain right now I don’t know if I’ll be able to fight anymore. Depressing thoughts worm their way into my brain and I start fearing that I’ll never see her happy again. Maybe I’ll lose her forever this time. My heart beat picks up. My hands start to sweat.

“Hey, man...” I mutter to Matt as I open the door, “can I talk to you?”

He looks up from the inked pages in his lap. He sets them away before getting up and pulling a shirt over his head. The fun guy is hidden inside of him now; he knows I’m serious.

“Sure, Bri. What’s wrong?” He says with a concerned look.

I drop my gaze away from his bright hazel eyes. I shake my head because I have no idea how I want to start. I’m in love with the girl from my past and may have crushed her on her first day home after four long, miserable years? My heart is literally aching whenever I don’t have her in my arms? I want to scream when I think about her being all alone without her brother? My insides burn to make her feel better? That all sounds way too stupid.

“It’s...” I start uneasily, “it’s Jen. I don’t know what to do.”

I lift my eyes to see Matt’s face. He nods, understanding what I mean.

“Well, what do you feel, man?” He asks.

That makes me laugh a little. What do I feel? So many things. Hurt, stupid, worried, afraid, anxious, and angry. Is that list too long, especially without anything pertaining to ‘happy’ included? The smile feels artificial on my lips. I lick them and begin to speak.

“When she’s around I just want her..” I sigh, “Fuck, I feel so gay,” I mutter before going on, “She gets to me like no one else. I want her to be happy again. Jimmy told me to take care of her but I couldn’t before. Now when she comes back I can’t either. I’m getting married! I’m supposed to be over this but every fucking time I think about her the old feelings creep up on me. A part of me wants it. I want my past back; I want her. But another part of me hates it. It’s not fair to Michelle. I’m not the kind of guy that cheats or leaves his girlfriend for someone else. I just want to move on, damnit, but she won’t let me!”

I exhale angrily, letting the words fall onto every surface around us. Matt leans back against the bed frame and looks at me silently for a few long minutes.

“Do you think Jen is beautiful?” He asks curiously.

I look at him with a helpless expression.

“Very,” is all I can say in response.

“More than Michelle?”

Guilt rushes into my chest like a flood. I sigh.

“Jen is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”

He nods, “Do you get along with her?”

The confusion at his tactics makes me impatient. When I look at him he just gives me a calm face.

I frown deeply, “Yes. We fit together perfectly.” I mutter.

“It hurts you to see her in pain?” He asks.

“It kills me.” I reply.

“When you think about holding her, or kissing her, what’s the first feeling you think of?”

“Happiness? Joy, peace. The corny shit.”

“And does she understand you?”

“More than any other person I know. She knows everything about me.”

“What do you love about her?”

I open my mouth to start ticking things off but stop before I can speak. There’s so many things I love about her. I look up at Matt who’s waiting calmly for an answer.

“Everything.” I murmur.

My best friend smiles, “Pick one thing.” He says knowingly.

I think hard. The options that break into my mind are never ending. Slowly, I feel myself smile.

“I love how outspoken she is. She’s always been so smart and funny. She fits in with all of us so well. She can down three shots faster than me and still show anyone up with her wit. She’s got such a tight grip on things. I love how she gets angry or irritated over something little. She’s sexy when she’s angry. Her eyes burn this crazy stormy blue that make even me uneasy. When she wants to she can be in charge of anything. There’s this drive in her that makes her work harder than a lot of people I know, and I love that too. But even under all of that she’s vulnerable. She’s self-concious and fragile. She can be the sweetest, cutest, prettiest little thing a guy could ever ask for. She could go through so much and never lose her feeling. And when I used to hold her I felt it. I love her talent. I love her smile, her eyes, her hair, her voice, her smell and her body. I love her imperfections.”

When I stop talking my tongue tingles with the things I’ve confessed. I haven’t said anything like that out loud in so long. Everything has been kept in my head for fear of painful memories. It was only when I was alone that I used to think about all of that; just lie down and let my mind wander. But after Michelle I’ve pushed everything aside. Well, until Jen called me. Until she showed up. Now I can’t get any of it out of my brain.

“Can’t pick one, huh?” Matt asks me, breaking through the barrier and making it to my mind.

All I can do is look at him and nod.

“Wow. That’s exactly how I feel about Val.” He says.

Before he leaves the room he pats me on the shoulder. I stand in shock.