Almost Lost It All

My eyes open to the sunlight peeking over a rock wall. I don't know where I am at first and panic touches my skin where I should be cold like I usually am in the morning. It grows when I realize that I've actually slept some. What happened?

Then I look at the person whose arms I'm in. Everything rushes back to me like the waves that are picking up on a fresh day. Warmth floods into my chest. Memories of the night before tackle me into such bliss that I actually smile and feel real again. The feeling of being whole races into my limbs until it reaches my heart. There's no way to describe my passion for the man I'm lying next to. It's incredible. I feel... happy right now.

He's beautiful. Every small imperfection on his face is gorgeous. His lips are lucious and so kissable. Every knick or scar across his body is wonderful and his body is something I will always marvel at. Lightly, so I don't wake him, I run my fingers over the inked arm that's resting across my torso. His muscles have grown since I was last able to touch them so intimately. The tattoos aren't faded yet. I love them just as much as I love him. I lift up his fingers to study his hand. His fingers are slightly crooked from stretching across a fret for the many years he's been playing guitar and they're rough from the pressing down on the strings. They're a focus of strength.

I look up toward his face. Some pieces of dark hair are sticking to his forehead and his cheeks. I brush them away with a gentle hand. I inhale the delicious scent of his hair. I touch his nose, his jaw bone, his lips, as if to remember what he looks like in case I'll never have the chance to see him like this again. He's such a heavy sleeper. It makes me smile. With that smile I lean over and softly kiss his forehead, then the corner of his lips. I wiggle out of his arms until I'm free from his safe grip. As soon as I'm on my own again I feel lost. The bad feelings are sitting closely on the horizon. I push them away. I know they can't attack me here. So I don't think. When I stand up my joints crack and pop. I cringe slightly as I stretch out my well-rested muscles. My neck and back hurt from Ethan's attack.

I walk to the edge of the water in our small refuge area that leads out to the rest of the ocean. It's as if there was a small beach added onto the real beach just for us to hide out in. I'm so sandy it's ridiculous. My legs are a bit weak. When I step into the water I have to slap a hand to my mouth to keep quiet. It's colder than normal California water. It's because there's no current flowing through this area. I bite down hard on my lip as I start washing myself off. I look down at my body with fearful thoughts.

I'm thinner than I should be. I've lost a lot of muscle in my legs and my arms aren't as hefty as they should be. I'm not tan like I used to be. I'm very pale and I hate it. My breath whooshes out of me in a huff. I wish I could be as pretty as the Cali girl I used to be. I'm so fragile now.

As I splash myself with the cold water I can't help but shudder a little bit. I step back only slightly so my foot crushes down on a crab. A big pinch on the bottom of my foot makes me jump in terror, almost falling.

Whatthefuck!

I can feel my eyes bugging as I jump around, trying to keep my balance. In a realization that I'm not going to win I put my hands out in front of me, hoping to cushion the fall at the shallow water floor. Before I'm falling two big arms slip around my shoulders and pull me back. I let out a small scream in surprise. Brian laughs in my ear. Relief hits me in the chest when I realize that I'm not going to face plant. I turn my head to look at my saviour. His eyes gleam happily at me as a warm smirk holds his lips.

"Good morning, clumsy." He says gently, kissing my shoulder.

His sleepy scent enters my nostrils and I can feel myself smile. Being happy isn't normal to me. Feeling carefree is something I've forgotten a long, long time ago. Somewhere deep down I'm freaking out. But I keep it away for now. He looks utterly gorgeous being so close to me.

"Good morning." I murmur back, slightly dazed.

His hands slide over my arms until they reach my hands. He gives them a squeeze before touching my bare waist. His touch is so soft that I shiver slightly. I feel him smile into the skin of my shoulder. It's as if we've never been apart. I feel his heartbeat on my back so I turn in his arms. Brian lets me, leaning back to look down at my face. His big hands rest on my lower back. I squint up at him.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask curiously because his eyes are filled with wonder.

He smiles. I raise an eyebrow.

"You. Because I love you." He says, and then kisses me.

Heat spreads throughout me, shocking along the places where his bare skin is touching mine. I feel the hot form behind my eyes. When he pulls away he kisses my hair. My nostrils flare and I'm trying not to start crying. A shudder attacks my chest, forcing me to inhale shakily. He wipes the hair from my face.

"What?" He asks.

And I break down. My chest heaves with a sob. But through the spilling tears I smile greatly. I look at him and shake my head. I laugh pathetically. Happiness hasn't hit me like this since before Jimmy died. But at this moment, right now, I feel like I might be able to go on. I may have found what I've been looking for.

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear you say that." I say back to him, "I love you too."