Almost Lost It All

I stroke his fingers as the numbness fills me to the core. My eyes are hot and swollen from crying. My senses are trying to mend themselves back together from the fright. My heart is trying to beat in a comfortable, less painful rythym. I'm so tired but I still can't sleep. I won't sleep until he wakes up. I don't even know if I'll be able to sleep then. Insomnia has eaten me to the point of nightmares every single night. And if I can't have him after all of this then I think resting forever would be more appropriate.

I feel someone come into the room so I look up from Brian's bedside. Michelle looks at me with determined, worried eyes. I drop my own, unable to face the girl I've been treating so horribly. The one that I'm so set against. The one I plan on crushing if I get the chance to.

"Can I talk to you?" She asks quietly.

Somewhere deep inside of my stomach, where feelings are still stirring, fear and panic knock against the walls. I swallow down the lump that forms inside of my throat. I look over at Brian in the hospital bed. I don't want to leave him but something is telling me I have to. I fight the urge to kiss his forehead and get up instead. I beat against the worry as I follow Michelle out of the room.

As we travel the dim-lit hallway toward the cafeteria I can feel the tension between us. I feel as if we're forced to be enemies but we don't have to be. I want to speak, to step forward with something understandable, but all of my courage is left with the man with the gunshot wound down the hall. This makes me want to run away. I want to crawl to a place where I feel safe again. I don't want to face my fears of losing something I love so much.

She buys me tea and we sit down at a table further away from the doctors who are eating a late dinner. Her bright hazel eyes make me look at her in the face. She's so much more beautiful than me. She's so much stronger. But I know that she doesn't love him more than me. And that's why I sit here, my hands shaking as I bring the plastic cup to my lips, facing the woman who's taken my place.

"He needs you, you know," Michelle says, "and you need him, too. You're in love with each other and no one can stop it."

Shock knocks me hard in the head so I have nothing to say. It doesn't seem to phase her much. She just smiles a little and keeps talking.

"He doesn't love me, I know that, and I don't blame you for it or anything that's happened. Because I came after you and I couldn't fix him. Everyone knows that you're the only one who can. And he's the only one who can fix you. You were practically made for each other. At first I didn't want that. I knew he loved you but I tried to keep him with me. I realize now that what you two have is so much more... powerful than anything Brian and I could ever experience. I can't see him suffering anymore. I don't want anything to happen to you, either."

My mouth moves for a few long moments before I can form any words.

"But... you love him. I can't-- why are you saying this?" I ask, incredibly confused.

"I don't love him. I mean, I did, but not now. I've let him go." She says, slipping off her engagement ring, "I'm calling off the wedding. I can't be selfish because he's not mine."

She places the ring gently on the table and looks at me.

"But he is yours. I'm the selfish one. I can't let you do this, Michelle, it's not fair that I can come back and ruin everything like this. I'm sorry." I say frantically.

She laughs, "Don't you see? The only thing you've ever needed was Brian and your friends. Now that you're back you need to realize that it's all here for you. If you haven't noticed, you're in pretty rough shape, and you deserve all the help you can get." She smiles warmly at me, "I'm doing this no matter what you say. Everyone agrees with me, so you should just agree too."

She pulls a small black box out of her jacket pocket and slides it over the table to me. My figners tremble as I open to reveal what I already know what's inside of it: the engagement ring Brian gave to me years ago and I left on top of that old piano. The confusion disappears as the realization sets in. She's letting me have him. She's urging me to get my life back. An acute joy rises up and touches my heart lightly, causing a small smile to form on my lips. I shake my head at her.

"Thank you," I whisper weakly, "thank you so much."

Michelle shrugs casually as she slyly looks at me from the corners of her eyes.

"Plus, while Brian was worrying about you so much and was always gone I found someone..." she trails off.

My eyes snap up to hers.

"Someone..." I urge for her to go on.

"I think he's the one. He makes me feel like no one ever has before. It's this great--attraction or something. Whatever he feels, I feel too. And I can't get him out of my mind." She can't help smiling sheepishly with her words.

I laugh in sheer surprise.

"Hold onto him, then." I tell her.

She laughs as well, taking in my advice with a nod. We begin talking. We find out how much we have in common with each other. It's hours before we look at the time again. I find a great friend in Michelle. And she's the first stop on my way to recovery.