You're Living a Lie, You Just Can't Hide From Me

“I like waking up next to you.” John spoke quietly, reaching over for the Advil and water.

Natalie didn’t say anything, just kept her face pressed into the crook of his neck.

She felt terrible, having been unable to sleep, and spending much of the night awake, thinking about Garrett. Sure, they weren’t together and she didn’t belong to him or to John, but something in her made it seem as if she were cheating. Perhaps it was just an emotional thing… She had invested more in Garrett than in John. The boys were so different from each other and she couldn’t bring herself to figure out what she wanted.

The singer hummed gently. “I think you’re my muse.”

Natalie shook her head. “I’m not.”

“You’re very inspiring, Nat.”

Something about him using Garrett’s nickname for her made her feel a bit repulsed. It didn’t sound the same or feel the same. The way he said it didn’t make her smile so easily. His hazel eyes didn’t rival the Pacific Ocean like Garrett’s blue ones… She liked John a lot, but he was so much harder to be with. With Garrett, it felt natural, so to be with someone that she really had to work for felt forced and unsettling.

John stroked her red hair, smiling as his fingers massaged her scalp. Natalie mewed like a cat, pressing her face into his neck.

He liked how things with her felt so easy. She was just such a good girl, and it was a nice change. He didn’t need to have known her in high school. He didn’t need to know her while she still lived in Tempe… Natalie wasn’t like any other girls he knew and he hoped that she felt as strongly for him as he felt about her.

“So will you go out with me?”

She didn’t respond, just inhaled his scent, hoping that it would comfort her and make all thoughts about Garrett disappear.

John didn’t know if she was just playing hard to get or something. She wouldn’t have gone to bed with him if she wasn’t interested in him. They’d kissed, he remembered. He couldn’t recall details, but he imagined it was really hot. She’d inspired a few songs that they were working on, and she didn’t even know it.

“I have to go to the bathroom.” Natalie spoke quietly, moving her face from his neck, and kissing his cheek.

John smiled, sitting up in bed and pulling out his songwriting book. He was working on a new song, and she’d provided him a good idea of where to take the song.

She's gotta be something new to me
Fresh face, someone new to please
So come on, come on girl, just you and me
Oh come on girl, just you and me

This kind of girl makes it rough
(makin' it rough)
Holding in our breaths while we touch
She won't kiss and tell, but this isn't hell
She got that name, it all seems like a game
How she is so well, I won't call this hell
If I had to guess, I'd say
we have a mess you could sell

He didn’t know what was going on between Natalie and Garrett, but the better man was going to win. For once, this wasn’t about a one night stand. He really cared about her and he wanted this to be more than a one time stand.

She made him feel like a better guy than he actually was. It was like she gave him the benefit of the doubt. They’d never discussed either of their pasts at length. He didn’t like to think about it. He didn’t want to know anything except that he had her.

Natalie wasn’t as innocent as he thought she was, but he didn’t mind if she kept a couple of secrets to herself. He kept a lot of his own close to his cuff. He wasn’t the one to kiss and tell. They had a story that they could sell… It was a mess, and it was probably going to be a mistake, but neither seemed to mind.

And how am I supposed to think,
with her hands all over me
Telling me the right things,
ever so distracting

She's gotta be something new to me
Loose ends but no sign of stings
So come on, come on girl, just you and me
Oh come on girl, just you and me

This kind of girl makes it rough
(makin' it rough)
Holding in our breaths while we touch
She won't kiss and tell, but this isn't hell
She got that name, it all seems like a game
How she is so well, I won't call this hell
If I had to guess, I'd say
we have a mess you could sell

Natalie sighed, looking at herself in the mirror.

She didn’t understand why she kept thinking that she was acting so slutty. Three months ago, she was sleeping with any boy who even looked her way. All of the self confidence and pride she’d had when doing pageants had left her.

After four years of watching the guy she loved hopelessly, Garrett, and his girlfriend have a perfect relationship, she’d given up on getting with him. And now she had him. She knew that she did, but she couldn’t just go after Garrett now.

The whole time he’d been with Rachael, and had barely noticed her existence… She’d found plenty of boys who noticed her, who wanted her, even if it was only for the night. But that hadn't mattered because she'd felt as if she were worthy for some time.

Now that Garrett noticed her, so had John. John wasn’t hiding the fact that he wanted her. He continued to ask her out, he continued to compliment her and make her feel amazing, but she didn’t know if she could say yes to him. Garrett acted as a friend, and that wasn’t what she wanted… She’d hoped that flirting with John would have made him step up and grow a set of balls, but he was still as awkward and timid as she remembered. Rachael had ruled their relationship, leaving him to be her personal lapdog.

Natalie had grown up a bit since she’d last seen Garrett. They’d been in a lot of the same classes, and she’d always watched as he doodled or laughed with his friends. He hadn’t changed at all, and all of the hope that the “new” her would make boys want her more didn’t even mean anything ever since she realized that he was in the same city she was. She’d been turning down dates left and right because of a sick hope that he’d notice her.

John not only noticed her, but he made it clear that he wanted her. Natalie liked him a lot, but she wasn’t invested in him like she was with the bass player. God, this was all his fault. It was his fault that she’d been such a late bloomer. All of the false hope and the day dreams that he’d realize that Rachael wasn’t good enough for him, that he’d ask her to prom instead of Rachael… That he’d prefer blondes to brunettes…

The truth was that she didn’t know what to do. She had feelings for both boys… she knew that John was all in. But they’d be leaving soon enough either way, so there was no way that she could give in. Couldn’t she use the fact that Garrett now noticed her against him? Wasn’t she parading John around enough? Wasn’t he jealous? She just wanted him to make a move… to act as if he actually cared.

Natalie knew that it wasn’t good to come between the friends, but she wasn’t actually causing anyone harm. If Garrett actually cared about her, he would do something. He hadn’t made it clear that they were anything more than friends, and if that was the case, then fine. She knew the crush she’d had on him was stupid, but she needed to know if it was going anywhere. If Garrett didn’t want her or didn’t want to act on it, then she didn’t need to worry about it.

She could go out with John… she could date him, kiss him, inspire their songs. But somehow, no matter what, she felt as if she were betraying Garrett. She blamed her own sensitivity for why she didn’t feel as if she could hurt him. He hadn’t even had the heart to reject her. All he did was act as if he had no idea what was going on, and she was growing sick of it.

“Natalie,” A soft voice called on the other side of the door.

She’d figured it was John, checking on her. She didn’t say anything, just waited for him to open the door and ask if everything was okay. He would probably kiss the top of her head and try to comfort her for a sadness that he didn’t totally understand. She didn’t know if he’d even noticed that she wasn’t completely invested in him. But the boy who opened the door and stood in the doorway wasn’t John.

The ginger haired boy sighed. “Tali?”

“Jared.” She smiled softly. “Hey.”

“Are you okay?”

She didn’t respond, just turned away from the mirror to face him, her eyes cast on the ground.

“I was gonna go pick up some breakfast, do you wanna come with?”

Natalie smiled softly, nodding her head. “That sounds like a good idea.”

“I think you need some fresh air.”

“So you’re still in love with Garrett and you’re messing around with John…” The boy sipped his coffee. “Natalie, what are you doing?”

“You probably think I’m some sort of whore who wants to be a total Yoko Ono, but I don’t. Jared, this… it’s a bit more than that. Garrett is the link to who I was and John is like… the person I am now.”

He scrunched his face, not understanding what she was saying. He didn’t know the girl very well, but he felt strongly about her. Natalie seemed like a genuinely sweet girl who just made a couple mistakes. He didn’t think she was trying to break up the band, and he didn’t think that she was a slut, but he was concerned.

He didn’t know if she was angry or if something was wrong, but he didn’t want to push her. She was acting a little anxious and erratic, and the ginger haired boy didn’t know if that was normal or not. He still didn’t know Natalie very well, no matter how much he’d felt as if he did. He didn’t know her enough to be able to judge her reactions and be able to tell what she was feeling, but he was trying.

She let out a long sigh, playing with the elastic bracelet on her wrist.

“Natalie, I’m just confused. If you still have feelings for Garrett, why are you going after John?”

“I fell for Garrett the first day of high school when I saw that he listened to the same music I did, he loved zombies; he was a total nerd… I thought that we would be perfect together, and then he met Rachael… and for four years, I had to pretend that it didn’t hurt whenever I saw them holding hands or making out in the hallway. He was, like, the perfect boyfriend from what I saw… I guess that I have a lot of issues because of my dad basically denouncing my existence… He wanted a boy, so I’ve never been good enough for him, you know?”

Jared simply nodded and waited for her to continue.

“I don’t know… I thought that Garrett would make me feel worthy. And the fact was that he didn’t know I was alive… no one did. I thought we would, I don’t know, click and fall in love… Its stupid.” She sighed heavily. “I don’t know why, but I didn’t even try to find anyone else… I would fantasize that he would realize that I was, like, the perfect girl for him and dump Rachael… I was kind of delusional.”

“But he notices you now, Natalie.”

The redhead pursed her lips. “I’m not good enough for him now… In high school, I dreamed about losing my virginity to him… Making love with him...” She giggled bitterly. “Not losing it by getting date raped at a college party.”

“What?”

“Sometime in the middle of senior year, I realized that I had no chance with Garrett, and I… I went to a party with one of my dad’s interns… and he put something in my drink. After that, I just… felt unworthy. Garrett didn’t want me and boys were lining up to sleep with me, so I let them… Its kind of the reason I don’t drink anymore… " She sighed, pausing to take a sip of her coffee.

It felt good to talk about this. Natalie didn't know why, but she felt that Jared was the right person to tell this to. She trusted him even though she didn't know him very well. He made her comfortable, and he didn't judge her. He seemed genuinely concerned about her as well as about his friends.

"I would get so shitfaced I wouldn’t even remember my own name and let whoever have their way with me just so I could feel as if a man loved me.” Natalie inhaled deeply. “I left Tempe because it reminded me that I was a good for nothing whore, and came to L.A. hoping to make something of myself. And then, as soon as you guys came, it all came back.”

The older boy didn't know what to say. He would have never expected such to come from a girl like Natalie. She seemed so relaxed and confident. She seemed as if she could get any guy she wanted and this was all just a game.

Now he understood that Garrett meant everything to her and that he had hurt her terribly unintentionally. She didn't blame him for what happened or why she became the way she did, but he was a good part of the reason. Garrett was in love with Rachael, it wasn't as if he had purposely not noticed Natalie. But she had been so timid and lost in a hopeless daydream about him that she'd totally lost herself. She hadn't been good enough for her father and she hadn't been good enough for him, so she let whoever showed her any attention take advantage of her need for affection.

Jared felt terrible for the poor girl, wrapping his arms tightly around her. "Oh Tals..." He sighed.

"Its funny... now that I've realized everything and why I did the things I've done, Garrett still doesn't want me."

"Nat-" He began, but stopped as she giggled. "What's so funny?"

"I'm so stupid."

"You aren't-"

"Then why can't I move on? I tried to stop thinking about him last night, and I couldn't do it."

"I don't think you're giving Garrett enough credit. You know better than anyone that he's shy, and awkward. Why do you automatically assume that if he wants you, he'll throw you against a wall and make out with you?"

Natalie sighed. "I-its just... I like John a lot, but h-he's not..." She blushed, looking down at the table. "He reminds me of the boys from the parties... its messed up, but the comfort is that he's so clear about his intentions with me. It means something to me to know that he, at the very least, wants my body."

"You don't value yourself at all, Natalie. You have no idea just how incredible you are."

"Jared, I'm... I'm not... I just need to sort all of this out."

"So what are you going to do?"

"Hell if I know."