Take This To Heart

I woke up when I heard something hit the ground. It wasn’t loud, but I still was awakened by it. My eyes opened slowly and I turned to the sound. A CD had fallen, but not just any CD. It was my sister’s ETF’s CD, her favorite CD out of all of them.

Jade was awake, shuffling through them. He must have had ten CDs in his hands. AFI’s I Heard A Voice was thrown on the rug. He sat down Indian style. Death Cab For Cutie’s Plans soon joined the pile of CDs he’d already sorted through. The next CD that joined the pile was Mayday Parade. Then Simple Plan’s first CD.

I jumped up quickly, taking all the CDs from the ground and his hands and put them back, noticing the dust that had accumulated on them over the years. When I turned around, I noticed that he was back in the corner.

“I didn’t mean to.” He murmured. His hair still covered his unusual eyes, but it didn’t cover the bruise on his cheek. My eyes darkened.

“Where’d you get that?” I asked, curious.

He tucked away further into the corner. “Like you don’t know.” His sarcasm was dripping off of every word.

“No, really.” I asked.

“You!” he yelled, angered. “When we were fighting! Over the pills! You punched me in my face!” He growled out the words.

Emma, still in the bed, groaned, pulling the pillow over her head. I watched her for a moment, before picking her up. She immediately wrapped her legs around my waist, her arms around my neck, and her face tucked into my shoulder, as if trying to fall asleep again.

As I made my way to the door, Alex entered, already dressed. “Don’t tell me you just woke up.” He commented, a small smile covering his face. He pulled out his phone, looking at the time, illuminating the time. “It’s twelve forty.”

“I’ve had a long night.” I murmured.

Emma groaned in agreement.

“Well,” Alex said, standing in the doorway, “get ready. We’re all going up to New York City. We’ve got this show in three days, Thursday, and it's close to where Rian’s sister is in the hospital, so we’re gonna play it.”

I stopped in my tracks, confused. “Mona gave you permission to take me that far? Dude, we’re in Buffalo. She’s gonna let me go to the city?”

He was jumping up and down now, excited. “Yeah, but we leave in a few days so at the moment, we’re going shopping. Getting you all that stuff me and Jack promised. But I’ve got even better news!”

“What?” I was smiling.

“The papers are done. You’re legally mine now! We’re a family! Mona got them back this morning from the DSS office, approved! You’re coming to live with me!”

I looked down at Emma, still in my arms and my smile faltered. He noticed the look and the reality hit him. “Oh.”

“Alex-“ I tried to stop him. I didn’t want it to come down to this.

“No, its fine.”

“They need me.” My voice was almost a whine.

“Really, Envy, its fine.” He looked at the ground. “I’ll get Mona to cancel it.”

“Alex,” I was reduced to begging now. I looked at both kids in the room. Emma, who was neglected at such a young age and didn’t truthfully know anyone else’s love except from Mona’s, mine, and Christine’s, but she was dead; it was only me and Mona that cared about her now. Then I looked at Jade, a heroine addict at only eight or nine, whose mother tried to kill him, who was, in medical records, considered dead.

I looked back at Alex again. “Alex, don’t make me choose between them and you.”

He nodded. “But how am I supposed to do that? How do I not make you choose?”

“Just wait.” I begged. He shuffled from one foot to the other. “Look,” I tried, “You told me that you wanted to help someone and make a difference in their life, wanted your life to mean something. How do you think I feel? I’m happy that you wanted to make a difference, but now,” I looked at Jade whose eyes still were hidden, but his face was turned down toward the ground. I looked back up at him. “Now, I can help others, too.”

“Phoenix,” He tried to grab my shoulders; I backed away. He sighed. “Listen,” he sighed again, “I get it that you want to help others, but you gotta be helped, too, ya know. You can’t expect to help others when you’re not fully healed yourself. You can't play Superman.”

“I’m fine.” I bit back.

He looked around the room in disbelief. He opened his mouth, but I cut him off. “If you haven’t realized, I’ve been taking care of myself since I was young. I know how to. I’m not an idiot.”

He shook his head. “I never said you were.”

“I can help them.” I muttered, angered.

“Yes, but you need someone to help you, too.”

I sighed, still clutching Emma in my arms. I walked out, bumping into Alex on the way. I was tired of arguing and hated making decisions.