Take This To Heart

Cricket, as expected, had no owners. And as promised. Alex let me keep her. It was Cricket who warned me when Alex, Zack, Jack, and Ryan had returned from a local bar later than night. She barked and I heard her paws hitting the linoleum floor of the kitchenette of the bus, running to the door.

My attention was quickly taken from the half naked girl underneath me to the newest edition to our growing family’s warning. Truthfully, I had no idea how me and Vivian had wound up like this. The four adults had decided to go to get a drink. Chris and Jordan hadn’t returned with us back to the bus, leaving me and Viv. Alone. One moment we were talking and the next we were making out…then things got a little hotter and I lead her back to my bunk.

Not my brightest idea.

I cursed when I heard the door opening and the laughter of all four men entering the bus. I knew we were out of time and we’d be caught when I realized my shirt was on the floor along with hers and her shorts. She was only in her underwear. And me only in my jeans.

I was just rolling off of her and onto the floor when Zack slid open the bunk area, clearly looking for me and Viv. I bet he was hoping to find us in the back lounge and not in the situation we were in.

His looked as if they were about to bust out of his head and he shouted out a profanity, seeing me on the ground with nothing but my jeans on and Viv desperately trying to cover up the fact that she was only in her underwear with the covers. He shut the door quickly and I could hear him trying to stop Alex from coming in here. “Alex, don’t open that door!”

“Why? What’s wrong!?” Too late. Alex slid open the door quickly, coming upon the same situation as Zack had…only Ryan and Jack was standing right behind Alex.
Alex also let a profanity slip and closed the door as well.

I could hear them yelling from the other side of the door at me. “Phoenix Envy! If you aren’t out of that room fully clothed and ready to explain yourself in two seconds-“

I immediately through my shirt on and mouthed to Vivian to get dressed, giving her an apathetic smile and whispering sorry.

She returned my smile with a weaker one and started getting dressed as well. So much for no more awkward moments. I couldn’t help but think of our previous conversation at the meal tent not twelve hours ago. She’d promised not to force herself onto me again. But who started it this time? I couldn’t remember.

I sighed bravely, not exactly ready for my impending doom. I knew if Alex didn’t kill me, Ryan would. I slid open the door just enough for me to enter the other room. I didn’t exactly want them to see Vivian dressing.

As soon as I closed the door back, Ryan had rushed foreword, grabbing me by the shirt and threatening me, “I swear, if you did anything to my sister-“

Alex pried him off of me and told me with hostility in his voice to “Sit.”

I did as told, not exactly wanting them to be angrier. I couldn’t look Alex in the eyes; I felt as if I’d let them all down by betraying Ryan’s trust by almost sleeping with his sister.

“What were you thinking?!” Jack yelled at me, anger obvious in his voice. It seemed like years ago when he was carrying me into this same bus because I was so dehydrated after hearing the news about Emma.

I didn’t answer. The door to the bunks opened again and in walked Viv, her hands trying to tug down her Daisy Duke shorts and make them longer. I smirked at her attempts, but Ryan immediately stopped me by asking me what was so funny.

I shook my head, my small smirk faltering. “Nothing, sir.” I figured adding ‘sir’ in would make him less hostile. It didn’t.

He was still glaring daggers at me as he briskly walked over to Vivian, steering her towards the door with his arm around her shoulder’s protectively. He stopped at the door and turned back to Alex, look at him sincerely. “Thank you for the drinks, Alex. I enjoyed it. We should do it again some time.”

Alex gave a small nod, smiling. “Yeah. I had a good time, too. I’m sorry it had to end like this.”
Ryan grinned a forced a smile. “I guess I will talk to you all later.” He nodded both at Jack and Zack, completely ignoring me, but I figured he would.

As he opened the door, Vivian looked over her shoulder at me. “Bye.”, She mouthed.

“Bye.” I quietly repeated, feeling my throat start to close up as my eyes started to water. I blinked away the tears before finally gaining the strength to look at Alex. He wasn’t looking at me; instead he was pacing back and forth, running a hand through his messy locks and looking completely stressed.

“Did you sleep with her, or not?” He asked quickly, sounding extremely calm about the whole situation.

“We hadn’t gotten that far when you walked in.” I answered quietly.

“So there is no way that you’re sperm is swimming around in her?”

“No.” I answered in an annoyed tone.

“Hey!” He shouted at me, turning hostile. Jack and Zack looked just as shocked as I was. “Don’t you dare use that tone with me, Phoenix Envy Gaskarth!”

I looked up at him confused. “Excuse me?” I laughed out, confidence flooding through my veins at my new found anger. “Gaskarth? Since when did I adopt you’re last name?” I asked bluntly.

“Since I adopted you!” He was breathing angrily out his nose, his nostrils flaring. I was looking up at him shocked, my sudden confidence disappearing and being replaced with shock and emptiness.

“What does it matter anyways?!” He shouted back at me. “You’ve never used you’re last name before! Not once have I heard you refer to yourself as Phoenix Envy Stokes! Not once!”

I felt my lower lip tremble and I fled to my bunk. Stokes was, in fact, my last name. I hadn’t referred to myself as ‘Stokes’ because it was my nickname for Christine. She always called me that when we were younger and since she died, I just started leaving my last name out of things. Mona had once tried using it as my nickname, carrying on the tradition after Christine passed away, but I only returned her calls with a blank empty stare and zoned out.

But I wouldn’t forget it. When we were first brought to the Children’s Home, Christine made me promise that I’d never get rid of my last name. Ever. Because it was the only thing we had left of our parents. And she told me that even if they were abusive and neglectful our whole lives, we at least owed them the honor of keeping our last name. She believed we could gain our last names’ respect back if we did the right thing and that we were to go out of this world with the same name we came into this world with.

And at her funeral, I promised I’d honor her wishes. I’d thought about changing my name a hundred times and I wanted to, really, but every time I thought about it, I also reminded myself of my promise. And It’d take me a lot to break a promise like that.

Its a shocking feeling you get when you think that you’ve let down two people in one night. Christine because I’d never told Alex that I was keeping my last name and he assumed he could change it; and Alex because of the fact that I’d told him he wouldn’t have to worry about me sleeping with girls and when he walks on the bus tonight, he finds me in exactly that situation. Almost.

The tears leaked from my eyes before I could stop them and I started tugging on my hair, my old nervous habit.

Two minutes later, when I was sobbing into my pillow, the curtain to my bunk was pulled back only to reveal the person I least wanted to see. Alex crawled into the bunk with me. I turned away from him, facing the wall.

“Phoenix, I’m sorry.”

I shook my head, burrowing deeper into the comfort of the pillow and tried to pretend he wasn’t there.

“I really am,” He protested. “It isn’t my place to change your name without asking you first. I didn’t mean to upset you.” But I knew he did. When people are angry at you, that’s their one and only goal: to hurt you.

“You can’t do that, Alex.” I sniffled out. “You can’t change my name just like that. You can’t change it. I promised Christine. I promised my sister I’d never change it. I promised her.” I broke out into another set of sobs that racked my chest and caused me to shake.

He tried to soothe me by rubbing my back, pulling me into his chest, his head resting on top of mine and letting my tears soak his shirt.

“I’m so sorry Phoenix. I just assumed.” He sighed and I could feel the vibrations in his throat he caused when he talked. He furrowed his brow. “I didn’t know. I didn’t understand.”

I nodded into his chest, trying to tell myself that he actually did care, that what he said just slipped, that he didn’t mean it.

I think with him claiming that he’d changed my name to Gaskarth and me almost sleeping with Vivian, we were equal now. We both seemed to be at an understanding with each other. Either it was that, or guilt, but either way, one of them allowed me to feel more at ease around him and our bond with each other had grown stronger over the last ten minutes.

Whatever it was, it allowed me enough peace and comfort to let me sleep, knowing Alex wasn’t angry at me anymore. And it must have let him have peace, too, because as I was on the brink of oblivion we know as sleep, Alex started snoring softly. My lips twitched upwards into a smile before I lost all consciousness and drifted away into a dreamless night.