At Least I Know I'm A Sinner

MALLORY'S P.O.V. (March 3, 2006)

"How the fuck did I get here?" I said as I put my hand on my head because of the pounding headache. There were two Advil and a glass of water next to my bed.

"Well morning lover girl," Syeira giggled as she walked into my room and grabbed a shirt that she had left in here a few weeks ago.

"Huh?" I looked at her dumbfounded, forgetting about my remedy beside me.

"You and Matt were all OVER each other last night after Heather stormed out of the club. It was quite cute actually," she explained as she was leaving.

Torrence stuck her head in just as Sisi was leaving. "Quite WRONG actually." and she pulled it out just as quick and I let out a breathless laugh. This headache was killing me.

Torrence had perfect timing with that addition and I saw Sisi slap Torr upside her head and laugh for even saying that to me.

I had no idea what the two of them were talking about. I couldn't remember anything about last night, except for Heather throwing a fit and leaving the bar.

I swallowed the Advil and got up and shut my door. I stripped out of the clothes I had on last night and put on my pajamas.

Today was a great day to stay in with a hangover. There's nothing going on today.

"Mallory! Someone wants you in the kitchen!" I groaned as I heard Anna's voice yelling to me down the hall.

I begrudgingly left my sanctuary of a room and walked into the living room where I saw all five of the guys were passed out on our couches and chairs. Matt was the only one awake and he was in the kitchen....cooking?

I was surprised none of the other fuckheads woke up to Anna's yelling.

"Hey," he said, turning to me.

"Hey." I blushed.

He smiled then turned back to whatever he was cooking. I walked over to him and peered over his shoulder, having to stand my, to see he was making eggs and bacon.

"Smells good," I said, standing flat again.

"Thanks." He didn't look back at me, but smiled as he flipped the eggs.

"Yeah...who'd have thought Matty-cakes could cook?" Jimmy laughed as he walked into the living room.

Matt took one of the eggs that he was cooking and flipped it in Jimmy's direction, and it hit him square on the forehead.

"Oops," Matt chuckled. "My bad. That was an accident."

"Ouch, motherfucker!" Jimmy yelled. "That shit burns!"

"Yeah, because it was supposed to be cold after coming out of the frying pan," I said.

The egg slid down his face and he caught it before it fell to the floor. It was still hot, so he played hot potato with it, trying to get it to cool off before shoving the entire thing into his mouth. Matt just laughed at him, and I made a disgusted face.

"What?" he said to me. "I was hungry. And I still am, Matt. So hurry the fuck up with that food."

Matt smacked him with the spatula then added another egg to the frying pan.

Jimmy gave one of those fake, obnoxious laughs - you know, like the really loud ones - as he exited the kitchen, and it was now just Matt and I left in the room.

"So..." I said, leaning against the counter.

"So..." Matt mocked.

"Look, I'm really sorry about your girlfriend," I said quietly. "She seemed really pissed off last night."

"I think that's an understatement," he said as he emptied the eggs on a plate and added some bacon to the pan.

"What pissed her off so bad?"

He tensed up, then turned around to face me.

"What do you mean, 'What pissed her off so bad?'" he asked.

Oh God. I can't remember half of what happened last night, and I'm guessing that I'm missing something huge.

"Do you remember...anything?" His face fell a little more with each word.

"The only thing I remember about last night is Heather storming off," I said, hanging my head and trying to speak as softly as possible. "Then waking up in my own bed."

I could feel his stare penetrating my skull, but I kept my gaze on the floor. I had no idea why he was acting the way he was, but I knew that I had hurt his feelings.

Badly.

I didn't look up until I heard the spatula scraping the frying pan as it transferred the bacon to the plate. His knuckles were turning white from gripping the spatula too hard, his features hardened.

God, what the fuck happened?

"Matt?"

He just ignored me, and continued with the breakfast.

"Matt?" I stepped a little closer to him. "Matt? Talk to me."

"BREAKFAST!" he yelled.

Even though most everyone was still asleep, any mention of the word 'food' would get them out of bed almost as fast as alcohol and women.

"Morning," Brain mumbled as he walked into the kitchen with Johnny, the both of them looking bemused and disheveled.

Told you.

Matt set the plates down on the table and took everything off of the stove, cleaning up his mess. I watched him work away as I wondered what I missed last night.

He took off down the hall and I walked after him.

"Matt, please?"

He abruptly turned around and I ran into him.

"Why Mal? It obviously wasn't important enough for you to remember," he seethed and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door.

"You told him that you liked him, and he said that he liked you back," Sisi whispered sullenly from her doorway since it was next to the bathroom, she heard the whole thing.

"Fuck," I scolded myself and went to my room. I wanted to cry, so that's what I did.

I heard the bathroom door open and Matt's heavy footsteps walk past, and I tried to keep my crying soft. I didn't want anyone to hear me.

There was a soft knock at my door, and I half expected Matt to stand there, knowing how he acted was wrong.

"Who is it?" I choked back my tears and wiped my face.

"It's Syeira and Torrence." One of my best friends and my twin stood on the other side of my door.

"Come in," I said, disappointed. I wanted it to be Matt, but somehow I just knew that'd be too good to be true.

They just looked at me with pity as they came into my room, Torrence shutting the door behind her.

"You okay, sis?"

"Do I fucking look like I'm okay?" I snapped.

They just stayed quiet. No one knew what to say to anyone else, including me.

"I just wish I could remember," I whispered.

"It doesn't surprise me that you don't," Syeira said. "You had more to drink than anyone."

"So what happened other than me pouring out my feelings?" I asked.

I really did want to know. I had upset Matt, and I wanted to know why.

"Well, after your fifth drink, which only took you 30 minutes to get to, you went out onto the dance floor and over to Matt and Heather. You shoved Heather out of the way, and started dancing with Matt. Then the two of them started to argue, Matt called it quits, Heather left, and that's when you told him you liked him."

I groaned and flopped myself backwards onto my bed.

"Just talk to him, Mal," Torrence said. "I'm sure he'll understand...with the alcohol and everything."

"I already tried that," I said, sitting back up. "He wouldn't even so much as look at me."

"Mallory, you have to make Matt talk to you," Syeira said.

"But I feel so horrible," I replied.

I wanted it to happen, don't get me wrong. But I feel like shit for hurting Matt the way I did...however inadvertently.

"Mal, grow a pair and go talk to him again," my twin said to me. "Force him. This can't get better unless you guys talk. Don't give him time to consider going back to Heather."

"Thanks Torr." I threw a pillow at her. "That makes me feel LOADS better."

"Just get off your ass, go fucking find him, and make him talk to you," Sisi said, pulling me off the bed and ushering me out of the door. "You know you'll regret it if you don't."

I attempted to go back to my room the entire way down the hall, being pushed and somewhat man-handled by my sister and best friend in their attempts to get me into the living room. They finally succeeded in getting me down the hall and into the entrance to the living room just as the front door closed. I knew it was Matt that had left.

How did I know? Everyone else was sitting in the living room except for him, minus Syeira and Torrence who were blocking the entrance to the hallway so that I wasn't able to chicken out and run back into my room.

"Uh, where's Matt?" I asked stupidly, already knowing the answer.

"Went outside," Zacky answered, pointing over his shoulder and not taking his eyes off the Tv.

I was a little scared to go after him. I had no idea what I even wanted to say, and I was afraid of how he was gonna react.

I slowly backed up towards the hallway and ran into something solid. I turned around and noticed that the something solid was Syeira's hand put up as if it were a stop sign.

"Fuck, guys. Just let me go back to my room," I whispered.

"No, Mallory. Now go."

Torrence urged me back into the living room, and neither her nor Syeira went to go sit with everyone else until I was all the way across the room and had my hand on the doorknob. I seriously considered making a run for my room, but I knew Syeira, and she would be at the hallway before I was even halfway across the room.

I drew in a deep breath, opened the door, and pushed myself out onto the balcony that was bathed in the warm California sunlight. Before I had the chance to change my mind and chicken out, the door had been shut and locked behind me.

Damnit, Syeira. Now I really have to do this.

I didn't see Matt anywhere immediately around me, so I walked a little ways and around a corner to find him leaning over the railing of the balcony's dead end...

Smoking?

"Matt?"

He flicked the butt of the cigarette over the balcony, then turned around and walked right past me.

Okay. Now his ignoring me is starting to piss me off.

So I followed him.

"Matt, just fucking talk to me, damnit!"

I wrapped my small hand around his wrist, attempting to make him stop walking. He eventually did, but not until after he pulled away from my grip.

"What do you want me to say?" He turned around to face me. "I mean, you don't remember anything about last night, so why bother? I know that you didn't think it was very important, so let's just save ourselves any more embarrassment and skip the fucking talk."

"Will you stop it?" I was getting more agitated by the second. He was still acting like I was forgetting on purpose.

"It's not that I didn't consider it important," I said. "That's something that I would've wanted to remember."

He leaned over the railing, resting on his arms, and shook his head.

"It's just...." I couldn't think of how to say it to him; that I wanted this - us - without it sounded like a bunch of bullshit.

"'It's just' what?" he asked, looking at me again. "Explain it to me."

"Matt, you know how much I had to drink last night..."

"Oh, don't even try to blame it on the fucking alcohol!" he yelled.

I recoiled slightly, but I wasn't going to give up on this. He was acting stupid, but I didn't want to let him get away.

"You know I had more to drink than anyone else last night," I said.

He scoffed.

"You're telling me that you've never had so much alcohol that you couldn't remember anything the next day?" I questioned.

He just stared at me as he dropped his arms to his sides. I'm not sure why, but his stare was making me nervous.

"Well, yeah. But..." he started.

"But nothing, Matthew!" I interrupted. "I wouldn't do that on purpose! I'm not Heather! Treating you like shit isn't something I'd do for fun!"

We were now standing in front of my apartment door, and I could see the curtains on the windows fluttering as hands tried to discreetly pull them apart. Matt noticed this too, and grabbed my arm to lead me back around the corner to the balcony's dead end where there were no windows.

"I know you're not Heather," he said, letting go of my arm. "I never said you were."

"But you're acting like I am! You're treating me as though I were forgetting about last night because I thought your reaction was funny!"

His expression softened, but he remained silent.

"I don't know about any of the other girls you've dated, Matt, but that's not something that I'd consider to be funny."

I grabbed one of his hands and laced out fingers together.

"Please...believe me."

I was surprised at how calm I was being and that I hadn't started crying, which I normally would do. I continued to stare up at him; he stared back, then suddenly pulled me into a tight hug. I don't know how to explain it, but we came to some sort of unspoken apology. No verbal ones were needed, and we both knew that. It was great that we didn't feel the need to verbally apologize, because it was already awkward enough.

We walked silently back to the apartment, hand-in-hand. I was glad that we had finally settled our argument because my hangover was starting to make me feel nauseous, and I didn't really want to puke on him while we were arguing.

We disconnected our hands as I opened the door to my place, and I saw Johnny rummaging through the refrigerator, Jimmy was missing; Jase was crying, so that must've been where Anna's missing form was at, and everyone else's was congregated in the living room. As Matt shut the door behind us, Johnny walked past to get back to the living area, greeted Matt, then sat next to Torrence on one of the sofas. Matt and I walked over to join everyone else and as we sat next to each other on the only available seats, I saw Syeira's face twist with a smile that she was obviously trying to hide. I knew she was smiling at me because the television that she was staring at was showing a commercial for Vagisil. If she was smiling at that...then that's just weird.

But damnit, I hate it when she's right.

I suddenly remembered something, and asked Matt about it.

"Since when did you smoke?" I looked sideways at him. "Wouldn't that mess up your voice?"

"I only do it when I'm pissed off about something."

He leaned back and put his arm over the back of the couch behind my head, much like he did a few nights ago when the guys were over here. I just leaned over and settled myself into his side. After I got comfortable, he took his arm that had been behind my head and draped it over my shoulder.

Hey, just because we're not dating yet, that doesn't mean that I can't cuddle up to him.

"God, I need a cigarette," Zacky groaned from the other side of the room. "I'll be back."

Zacky, Syeira, Brian, and Johnny went outside to smoke, and I decided a few seconds after they disappeared through the door that I wanted one too.

I grabbed my cigarettes and lighter from the kitchen, then joined the four outside. When I got outside, everyone greeted me and the guys went back to talking about whatever they were talking about before. Syeira walked over to me and nudged my shoulder.

"So?" she asked, smiling.

"'So' what?" I replied hoping that I was being nonchalant.

"I know something happened while you and Matt were out here. I'm not stupid, Mal," she chuckled.

"So that was you who was peeking through the curtains."

"Nah," she said after flicking some ashes. "That was Brian. But I saw you guys on the couch when you came back inside, and I know you saw me smile at you. I wasn't smiling for the Vagisil commercial," she laughed. "That's disgusting. And weird."

I threw my head back in a laugh, the smoke being "coughed" out.

"Yeah, I figured." I took another drag and the rest of the guys laughed.

"Well tell me what happened, Rory," she said. "I can't read your damn mind."

"Well, when I first came out here, he didn't want to talk to me at all. He just tried to walk past me, but I made him talk to me. Just like you said, Sisi."

I took another drag and blew out the smoke, then continued.

"First, he brought up the fact that he thought I didn't think what happened was important enough to remember, and that I obviously didn't care, so that we just shouldn't talk at all to save ourselves any more trouble. Then," I took a deep breath. "I told him that I wouldn't fake something like that. That it was something I wanted to remember. Then he brought up how I shouldn't blame it on the alcohol."

"Yeah, like his ass has never been so drunk that he couldn't remember anything about the night the next day." Syeira rolled her eyes.

"That's what I said!" I exclaimed. "Then I told him that I wasn't Heather, and that just because she treated him like shit and didn't care, that I wasn't like that. That it wasn't something I considered to be fun. And then you saw what happened after that."

Syeira nodded her head as she blew out a drag of smoke and Brian and Johnny just stared at us.

"What?" I looked at them.

"Well, did you ask us if we wanted to hear the story?" Brian said seriously, and Johnny laughed.

"I don't care if you wanted to hear the story or not, you heard it anyways," I said with a laugh, and Syeira punched Brian in the shoulder.

"Stop being a dick, you dick," Syeira said as Brian rubbed at his shoulder. She actually hits hard.

Johnny laughed at the scene and took a drag of his cigarette, snuffing it out as he blew out the inhaled smoke.

"Hey I'm not being a dick!" Brian protested as he flicked off his cigarette butt and Sisi just laughed at him and walked back into the apartment with Zacky.

"Yeah, you weren't being a dick. You were being what was farther down." I paused for a moment as a puzzled look draped across his face.

"An asshole!" I yelled, and Johnny choked on his spit and walked back inside laughing. I followed him back in, leaving Brian out on the balcony by himself.

"Hey! It's not nice to insult someone and leave them locked outside!" Brian pounded on the door when it closed behind him, locking automatically.

"Apologize, and I might consider letting you back in," I said through the door, laughing.

"Damnit, Mal! Come on! It's fucking hot out here!" I could here him whining and laughing at the same time as he pounded his fists on the door.

I peeked through the curtains to see him start throwing himself against the door.

I was suddenly struck with a brilliant idea. I went back over to the door and unlocked it; he had given up on trying to open the door the old-fashioned way, and was now trying to force the door open by ramming his shoulder into it. Sisi and Torrence caught on to what I was about to do, and directed the attention of everyone else to me.

Zacky walked over and stood on the opposite side of the door. I didn't quite know what he was about to do, but knowing him, it was anything good.

I looked through the peephole, and waited until Brian was ready to make another assault on the door. As he was running towards it again, I opened the door before he was able to make contact with it. As he ran across the threshold, Zacky stuck out his foot, tripping Brian.

Brian fell flat on his face, and raucous laughter erupted from the living room. He scrambled up to his feet, and tried to chase Zacky. I say 'tried' because Zacky had gotten a head start on running away from Brian, and they were now doing that thing where they're standing on opposite sides of the couch and try to fake each other out. After several minutes, Brian finally made a move and jumped across the cushions; Zacky took off down the hall, locking himself in the bathroom. Zacky and Brian may be close to the same size, but Brian's stronger.

I couldn't stop laughing, and not stopping cause a painful stitch in my side. It also made me have to pee really badly.

I walked towards the bathroom, doing that awkward walk where you're trying to not piss yourself until you get to the toilet.

"Zacky, come out! I need to piss!" I yelled as I pounded the bathroom door.

"Is Brian calmed the fuck down yet?" his muffled voice sounded through the cracks in the door.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Brian sneaking into the shadows of the hallway.

"Brian's sitting in the living room with everyone else," I lied. "Now please come out! I'm about to fucking piss myself!"

I was hopping from foot to foot as he opened the door cautiously. I pushed past him and shoved him out into the hallway before slamming the door shut. I locked the door with one hand and danced in place as I unfastened my pants with the other, all the while, doing the awkward "I have to pee" dance.

I barely made it to the toilet in time.

I suddenly heard fast, heavy footsteps going down the hallway and a few moments later I heard a muffled cry from someone in the living room.

After I finished my business, I went back into the living room where everyone, once again, was sitting around the television. Zacky was glaring at Brian and massaging his right shoulder.

"I swear to God, man," he said as I took my seat next to Matt.

"You deserved it, motherfucker," Brian said from the other side of Matt.

"Don't make me fucking tea bag you, dude," Zacky retorted.

I laughed. For once, when one of the guys made a joke, I understood it.

"That's disgusting, Zacky," I choked. "I don't know what's more disturbing; the fact that you said that to a guy, or the fact that you even joked about doing it."

"What's tea bagging?" Torrence asked, obviously confused.

"You don't want to know," I said as I wiped some tears from the corner of my eyes.

Zacky flipped us all off, then turned his attention back towards the television.

"Alright, I'm bored now," Syeira stated.

"Well, it's only noon, so there are no bars open, and I really don't feel like going to the mall, so what do you suggest?" I asked everyone.

"Wal Mart," Johnny said.

"Convenience store," Courtney suggested.

"Park," Anna said.

I started laughing, again, because everyone had started talking at the same time; Johnny, Courtney, and Anna were the only ones that I could hear over all the noise.

"I could actually have fun at all those places, but a park sounds good to me," Torrence said.

We all agreed, then me, Anna, and Torrence all went to our rooms to change. Ten people in their mid-twenties are going to play at a park.

God, we have no life sometimes.

I changed into a tank top and capris, then put on some sandals. I grabbed my purse and cell phone, then went back to join everyone else.

"I can't believe we're going to hang out at a park and we're all in our mid-twenties," Courtney said as she rolled her eyes.

"At least it was a better suggestion than a fucking convenience store," I laughed.

"I didn't hear your ass throwing out any suggestions," she defended.

"Well, if I had, it would've been better than a convenience store." I smiled at her as she stuck her tongue out at me and flicked my forehead.

Twenty minutes later, we were all ready to go, Jase on Anna's hip. Matt, Johnny, and Torrence rode with me in my car, and everyone else rode in Courtney's car. We didn't see any point in taking more cars than was necessary.

We passed a couple parks as we drove around, but the equipment was so small that Jase and Johnny would've been the only ones that could play on it.

We finally found one about ten minutes away from the apartment that we liked, then Courtney and I parked the cars, and everyone got out.

This was weird. I hadn't been to a park in years.

Jimmy was like a kid in a candy store. He ran right over to a slide and slid down it. Well, he tried to slide down it. You know that dome thing that most child-size slides have over the slide entrance? Well, Jimmy was so tall that when he went down the slide and his feet touched the ground, he was still laying on the slide and his head was still underneath the dome. It was definitely a sight to see; a full-grown man, standing at 6'4, going down a slide that was built for people Jase's size. Anna took Jase over to join him, and the rest of us went off to find some other sort of entertainment.

"Jimmy, get off the slide." Anna laughed at him. He laughed and jumped up off of the slide and ran around to the other side as Anna sat Jase at the top of the slide and helped him slide down. You could hear his laughing over anyone else's laughing.

Syeira was laughing hysterically at Brian and Zacky, who were wrestling over a swing set. You could see Sisi pulling on Zacky's arm weakly from how hard she was laughing.

"Hey come here," I heard someone whisper in my ear, and I whipped around to see Matt waiting for me. He took my hand in his and led me to a bench to the edge of the playset. Oddly, this was private even with everyone running around, around us.

"What?" I asked as he dropped my hand when we sat down.

"I like you Mallory. I really do," he started. I was confused. "But I don't want to go out with you. Not right now, at least. If it wasn't for Heather, I'd ask you out right now. I would've asked you out the day I met you, but I need time." He sounded like he had been rehearsing this in his head. A lot.

"Huh?" I furrowed my eyebrows at him. "So, then what are we now?"

"We're friends," he simply said and I felt slightly angry.

"Just friends? Then what's with the hand holding? The tight hugs? You fucking told me you liked me!" and Matt looked around to see if my yelling was causing a scene.

"Mallory, I really do fucking like you! I want to get closer to you, seriously. But fucking Heather did get under my skin and I need a bit of time. Why are you so pissed off?" he challenged me back.

"I don't know." I shook my head and looked to the ground. Tears were starting to well in my eyes. "Maybe I'm just impatient," I whispered. I still never looked back up at him.

He slipped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug. I choked back my tears and just sat in his arms. I didn't hug back, I was limp.

"I'm sorry, Mal," he whispered into my ear and I just nodded.