Perfect Weapon
Giving Up?
It had been a few weeks since the night I saw Brian and Michelle making out; both Michelle and Val left the next morning to go back home. No one wanted them around so they both left; Matt also had a huge fight with Val before she left and I wasn’t even sure if they would stay together after the tour finishes.
But of course Allie and Selena took it upon themselves to slap Michelle before she left which I told them not to do; but they didn’t listen to me so I just hope that it didn’t affect anything more. Sure Michelle deserved more than two slaps for what she did; Allie also tried slapping Brian a number of times but thankfully Zacky was there each time and stopped her.
Brian has tried talking to me every day but I just ignore him and keep going which I know hurts the both of us; things between Matt and Brian are weird as well which is what I was scared of. I didn’t want to ruin their friendship but Matt hates anyone who hurts me; and Brian broke my heart which makes Matt unsure of what to do.
I’ve surrounded myself with Sienna, Mike and the girls as I left the guys to comfort Brian; I’ve even have to actually tell Matt to go over and talk to Brian because some days he just wanted nothing to do with him, which is understandable but I didn’t want Brian to lose his friends over this.
“Maybe you should just talk to him? I know he’s been dying to talk to you Ashie, he’ll explain what happened” Allie said to me softly as the girls were all hanging out on Built For Sin’s bus; saying that I was a mess was such an understatement and I hated feeling like this.
“She won’t be going anywhere near that ass Allie, she doesn’t have to do anything for him. He’s the one who cheated so he deserves to not see or talk to Ash” Sienna answered back for me when I didn’t say anything; I was in such a dark hole and I didn’t know how to get out.
The only time that I was truly happy was when I was either on stage or surrounded by the fans; that those times I forget what happened with Brian and I get to focus on the fans and the music, which has really been helping me.
“Ash can do whatever she wants to do and it will be in her own time, so stop pushing her to see him and to not see him” Selena said standing up for me like she always did; Allie wanted Brian and I to fix things while Sienna hated Brian for breaking me, Selena just wanted what’s best for me.
I just kept my attention focused on the view outside my window; I was curled up in a ball on the couch staring out the window at nothing. Sienna, Allie and Selena were sitting at the booth talking about something that most likely involved me; but I stopped listening to them hours ago.
We were driving to the next city of the tour and we had just entered the city so we were close to the venue; I was staring up at the clouds as a couple tears rolled down my cheeks but I was quick to wipe them away. Jayden would know just what to say and do in times like this; but he’d never be able to hold me ever again.
Once both buses arrived at the venue the roadies unloaded all our equipment and started setting the stage up; after there we went through sound check and our normal pre-show routines which always take up most of the day. Of course Brian tried talking to me but Sienna made sure to yell at him while taking me away from him.
“Feeling like this could only mean
I'm sinking.
Feeling like this could only mean
I'm sinking.
Well, I'm sinking.
Pull me up.
Every time I see your clothes scattered out on the floor,
I say I thought you would be home.
You said you never would be gone.
Every time I see the light not burning on the porch,
I say I thought you would be home.
You said you never would be gone,
But you are.
You are.
Feeling overwhelmed, I take a dive
To a once overfilled but now empty place to hide.
The day you turned on me is the day I died,
And I've forgotten what it like,
And how it feels to be alive.
Every time I see your clothes scattered out on the floor,
I say I thought you would be home.
You said you never would be gone.
Every time I see the light not burning on the porch,
I say I thought you would be home.
You said you never would be gone.
Reach up to the sky.
When nothing seems to go right,
When nothing seems to go right for me.
Every time I see your clothes scattered out on the floor.
I say I thought you would be home.
You said you never would be gone.
Every time I see the light not burning on the porch,
I say I thought you would be home.
You never would be gone.
I thought you would be home.
You said you never would be gone,
But you are” I sang and played with Sienna and Mike on stage; I did write this song for Jayden but now it fitted Brian perfectly and I looked at him so he knew that the song was for him tonight.
I thanked the fans for coming once we finished performing our last song; I smiled and waved as I walked off the stage with Mike and Sienna. The guys hugged us before they headed out onto the stage; I walked off before Brian had the chance to talk to me as I headed back stage to our dressing room.
“I’m going to grab a shower on the bus and find something to eat” I told Mike as Sienna went to helped Selena at the merch table; I picked up my duffle bag and walked out of the venue before I heard too much of the guys playing, even his playing hurt me to hear.
I walked through the car park until I reached the bus after I took a detour to the guy’s bus; I looked back to see Chase watching me from the back door of the venue. I just smiled and gave him a thumbs up; telling him that I was fine and didn’t need him to watch over me, which is what everyone’s been doing since that night.
I placed my duffle bag down which I always took to the venue with me; I had clothes, hair products and makeup in the bag which saved me time because I could just take the bag and don’t pick out what I wanted to take with me for touch ups.
I kicked my shoes off before walking into the tiny bathroom; I removed my makeup and brushed my hair out which was a challenge sometimes when it got knots. I then washed my face so it took off all my makeup and washed the sweat away; I put on some more deodorant so I wouldn’t smell like sweat.
I walked back to the kitchen and went straight to the cupboard that held all the alcohol; I grabbed a bottle of Vodka that was half way finished. I closed the cupboard before walking into the back lounge and sat down on the couch; I stared at the vodka for a few minutes before I looked up at the wall opposite me and saw a photo of me, Sienna and Jayden.
I took the bottle lid off and then grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills; I tipped some pills out onto the palm of my hand before putting them all in my mouth, I took a mouthful for vodka and swallowed the pills all at once. I tipped some more pills onto my hand and put them in my mouth; swallowing them with another mouthful of vodka.
I placed the vodka and bottle of pills on the floor beside my feet before I leaned back and rested my head on the cushions of the couch; I knew it wouldn’t be long until the pills kicked in because I hadn’t eaten anything for two days, so the pills would get into my system quickly.
My vision started to become blurry and dark spots starting forming; I tried blinking them away because it didn’t work. Something caught my eye on the couch beside me so I turned my head and saw my most special guitar; the guitar that Matt had brought me for last Christmas because I really wanted to buy it.
I tried to sit up as the tears flowed down my cheeks as I changed my mind; I didn’t want to kill myself now, I didn’t want to be with Jayden just yet. But I was too weak to sit up as my eyes got too heavy and closed; causing the darkness to overtake my weak body.
But of course Allie and Selena took it upon themselves to slap Michelle before she left which I told them not to do; but they didn’t listen to me so I just hope that it didn’t affect anything more. Sure Michelle deserved more than two slaps for what she did; Allie also tried slapping Brian a number of times but thankfully Zacky was there each time and stopped her.
Brian has tried talking to me every day but I just ignore him and keep going which I know hurts the both of us; things between Matt and Brian are weird as well which is what I was scared of. I didn’t want to ruin their friendship but Matt hates anyone who hurts me; and Brian broke my heart which makes Matt unsure of what to do.
I’ve surrounded myself with Sienna, Mike and the girls as I left the guys to comfort Brian; I’ve even have to actually tell Matt to go over and talk to Brian because some days he just wanted nothing to do with him, which is understandable but I didn’t want Brian to lose his friends over this.
“Maybe you should just talk to him? I know he’s been dying to talk to you Ashie, he’ll explain what happened” Allie said to me softly as the girls were all hanging out on Built For Sin’s bus; saying that I was a mess was such an understatement and I hated feeling like this.
“She won’t be going anywhere near that ass Allie, she doesn’t have to do anything for him. He’s the one who cheated so he deserves to not see or talk to Ash” Sienna answered back for me when I didn’t say anything; I was in such a dark hole and I didn’t know how to get out.
The only time that I was truly happy was when I was either on stage or surrounded by the fans; that those times I forget what happened with Brian and I get to focus on the fans and the music, which has really been helping me.
“Ash can do whatever she wants to do and it will be in her own time, so stop pushing her to see him and to not see him” Selena said standing up for me like she always did; Allie wanted Brian and I to fix things while Sienna hated Brian for breaking me, Selena just wanted what’s best for me.
I just kept my attention focused on the view outside my window; I was curled up in a ball on the couch staring out the window at nothing. Sienna, Allie and Selena were sitting at the booth talking about something that most likely involved me; but I stopped listening to them hours ago.
We were driving to the next city of the tour and we had just entered the city so we were close to the venue; I was staring up at the clouds as a couple tears rolled down my cheeks but I was quick to wipe them away. Jayden would know just what to say and do in times like this; but he’d never be able to hold me ever again.
Once both buses arrived at the venue the roadies unloaded all our equipment and started setting the stage up; after there we went through sound check and our normal pre-show routines which always take up most of the day. Of course Brian tried talking to me but Sienna made sure to yell at him while taking me away from him.
“Feeling like this could only mean
I'm sinking.
Feeling like this could only mean
I'm sinking.
Well, I'm sinking.
Pull me up.
Every time I see your clothes scattered out on the floor,
I say I thought you would be home.
You said you never would be gone.
Every time I see the light not burning on the porch,
I say I thought you would be home.
You said you never would be gone,
But you are.
You are.
Feeling overwhelmed, I take a dive
To a once overfilled but now empty place to hide.
The day you turned on me is the day I died,
And I've forgotten what it like,
And how it feels to be alive.
Every time I see your clothes scattered out on the floor,
I say I thought you would be home.
You said you never would be gone.
Every time I see the light not burning on the porch,
I say I thought you would be home.
You said you never would be gone.
Reach up to the sky.
When nothing seems to go right,
When nothing seems to go right for me.
Every time I see your clothes scattered out on the floor.
I say I thought you would be home.
You said you never would be gone.
Every time I see the light not burning on the porch,
I say I thought you would be home.
You never would be gone.
I thought you would be home.
You said you never would be gone,
But you are” I sang and played with Sienna and Mike on stage; I did write this song for Jayden but now it fitted Brian perfectly and I looked at him so he knew that the song was for him tonight.
I thanked the fans for coming once we finished performing our last song; I smiled and waved as I walked off the stage with Mike and Sienna. The guys hugged us before they headed out onto the stage; I walked off before Brian had the chance to talk to me as I headed back stage to our dressing room.
“I’m going to grab a shower on the bus and find something to eat” I told Mike as Sienna went to helped Selena at the merch table; I picked up my duffle bag and walked out of the venue before I heard too much of the guys playing, even his playing hurt me to hear.
I walked through the car park until I reached the bus after I took a detour to the guy’s bus; I looked back to see Chase watching me from the back door of the venue. I just smiled and gave him a thumbs up; telling him that I was fine and didn’t need him to watch over me, which is what everyone’s been doing since that night.
I placed my duffle bag down which I always took to the venue with me; I had clothes, hair products and makeup in the bag which saved me time because I could just take the bag and don’t pick out what I wanted to take with me for touch ups.
I kicked my shoes off before walking into the tiny bathroom; I removed my makeup and brushed my hair out which was a challenge sometimes when it got knots. I then washed my face so it took off all my makeup and washed the sweat away; I put on some more deodorant so I wouldn’t smell like sweat.
I walked back to the kitchen and went straight to the cupboard that held all the alcohol; I grabbed a bottle of Vodka that was half way finished. I closed the cupboard before walking into the back lounge and sat down on the couch; I stared at the vodka for a few minutes before I looked up at the wall opposite me and saw a photo of me, Sienna and Jayden.
I took the bottle lid off and then grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills; I tipped some pills out onto the palm of my hand before putting them all in my mouth, I took a mouthful for vodka and swallowed the pills all at once. I tipped some more pills onto my hand and put them in my mouth; swallowing them with another mouthful of vodka.
I placed the vodka and bottle of pills on the floor beside my feet before I leaned back and rested my head on the cushions of the couch; I knew it wouldn’t be long until the pills kicked in because I hadn’t eaten anything for two days, so the pills would get into my system quickly.
My vision started to become blurry and dark spots starting forming; I tried blinking them away because it didn’t work. Something caught my eye on the couch beside me so I turned my head and saw my most special guitar; the guitar that Matt had brought me for last Christmas because I really wanted to buy it.
I tried to sit up as the tears flowed down my cheeks as I changed my mind; I didn’t want to kill myself now, I didn’t want to be with Jayden just yet. But I was too weak to sit up as my eyes got too heavy and closed; causing the darkness to overtake my weak body.