Weak, But Not Defeated

“Maddie, will you do merch at our show tomorrow?” Garrett asked.

“Don’t you guys have girlfriends to do that stuff?” she addressed the boys around her. They were sitting in Garrett’s garage trying to figure out their set list for their show tomorrow.

“No, we don’t. Thanks for bringing it up,” Jared said.

“I’m bringing Lacy,” Pat smiled.

“Awe, is she the girl from theatre? Yay, I love you guys together!” Maddie smiled.

“Is any one else bringing someone on the guest list for the Christmas show? That’s name does not rhyme with Mourtney,” Jared asked, staring at John.

John rolled his eyes, “Yes, she’s coming.” He didn’t have to look at Maddie to know her reaction. She was furious. She was angry John would pick Courtney over her.

“Fantastic,” Garrett mumbled.

“Kennedy, anyone?” Jared asked.

“Nah, I’m flyin’ solo.” He used a hand motion and Maddie let out a laugh. When the guys looked at her, her face turned serious, denying any kind of amusement.

“Garrett?” Jared asked.

“Maddie is my date,” he winked at her and she smiled.

“Why are you guys having two shows so close?” Maddie asked referring to the fact they were having two shows within two weeks of each other.

“Well we’ve been off the scene for so long we need people to know who we are so they actually want to come to the Christmas show,” Kennedy told her.

Maddie nodded her head as the boys continued to talk about their songs. She noticed the lack of tension she thought there would have been between Kennedy and John. They got along even better than before.

“What about Merry Christmas, Baby?” Jared asked.

Everyone looked at John, but Garrett looked at Maddie. It took everything she had not to look at John, also. She could see him swaying from foot to foot out of the corner of her eye.

Maddie’s phone rang, causing the silent room to jump. She mumbled a quick apology before answering.

“Hello?” she said, standing up and walking towards the far corner, “Oh, hey Matt!” She stopped and stayed facing away from the group. “Yeah, I totally am. What’s up?” Another pause, “Okay, great! I’ll meet you there in like ten minutes? Okay, bye!” She smiled before hanging up.

The boys all looked at her, waiting for an explanation. She grabbed her jacket. “Okay, I’m leaving.” She wrapped her scarf around her neck.

“Where are you going?” Garrett asked.

“Matt invited me to go get some dinner with he and his brother. Apparently Brandon misses me,” she laughed to herself.

John took a deep breath and sat down in the chair Maddie had previously been in, and rested the ankle of his right leg on his left knee. His right foot was shaking involuntarily.

Maddie glanced at him but looked away when he saw her.

“Will you bring me home some leftovers?” Garrett asked.

Maddie laughed, “Yes, sweetie.” she said sarcastically, and Garrett blew her a kiss in response. She rolled her eyes, “Bye, Pat,” she said, hugging him.

She gave Jared a hug, “Don’t be late tomorrow. Be at the venue by five o’clock,” he said. She nodded her head as she turned to face Kennedy.

They stayed looking at each other, both not sure what to do. Kennedy decided he would let Maddie choose, “Um, bye!” she waved and Kennedy smiled.

She walked past John on her way to the door, “John,” she said formally.

“Maddie,” he said in the same tone. She bit her lip, careful not to say anything else that would probably make him mad.

“Bye, everyone,” Maddie said as she walked out.

The other four boys looked at John when he spoke, “We are NOT playing Merry Christmas, Baby.”

**

Maddie got to the venue around 5:30 p.m., a half hour later then when Jared asked her to be there. She pulled in at the same time the band did, knowing they would be late. They started unloading their equipment and Maddie carried boxes bigger than her up to the venue. She had done this a million times before, and there was only one very popular venue in town so she knew her way around.

The guys would be the second to last band performing, so she had time to hang out. Doors opened at 6:30 p.m. and the place was seventy-five percent filled. All of the bands were local so it was a very chill atmosphere.

Garrett hung out with Maddie at the table most of the night. They made friends with a couple that were standing in the back. They were fifteen and had been dating for a month. They were still shy around each other but more friendly than annoying. The two assumed Maddie and Garrett were dating and they went along with it.

“So, how long have you been together?” the young girl asked.

Garrett and Maddie looked at one another, not sure what to say. At the same time they said, “Five months,” They hi-fived under the table for their similar thinking.

“That’s awesome, you’re super cute together!” The girl smiled.

The two smiled at each other, “Awe, thanks!” Garrett put his arm around Maddie and kissed her cheek. Maddie liked how comfortable she felt under Garrett’s arm. She fit perfectly.

Just then Kennedy walked up and sat on the other side of Maddie, “How’s it going team?”

Maddie was having so much fun with Garrett she didn’t even consider letting Kennedy’s presence damper her mood. She was becoming okay around him. She in no way intended to be close with him again, but she was learning to tolerate him, and it was only so that maybe her forgiveness towards Kennedy would rub off on John.

“We’ve met our biggest fans,” Garrett gestured to the couple and they waved. “And… Maddie and I are dating.” He still had his arm around her.

Kennedy knew he was kidding and laughed, “Oh, well that’s great. I’m so happy for you.” He patted Garrett’s shoulder.

Maddie smiled smugly and turned to the girl now standing in front of her. “Can I get the small of the black one?” she asked. She was probably seventeen, blond and very petite. Maddie knew the two boys would think she was pretty. The girl smiled shamelessly at Garrett.

He smiled apologetically, “Sorry, babe. I’m taken.” He pinched Maddie’s butt as she bent over to pick up the shirt out of its box. Maddie yelped in surprise and jumped. Kennedy and Garrett snorted their laughs.

Maddie scowled at Garrett before handing the blond her shirt, “Twenty dollars, please.”

The girl shoved the money onto the table and walked away quickly. The three looked at each other and started laughing. Two more girls came up and asked if she and Garrett were dating. They would lie and say yes. Neither Maddie nor Garrett knew they were so convincing as a couple. All they knew was that they liked flirting with each other, but they had known that since they were fourteen and had been doing it so shamelessly and blatantly ever since.

The boys started playing around eight thirty and the merch table had a direct shot of the stage. Garrett winked at her constantly and she couldn’t wipe the smile off her face when she thought of how ridiculously adorable he was.

About halfway through their set a girl that looked fifteen or sixteen came to buy a shirt. While Maddie was looking for her size she yelled over the music, “So your boyfriend really loves you, huh?”

Maddie looked up, “Um, yeah, I guess,” she smiled.

“I mean, I feel like he’s only singing to you,” she said. She was being nice about everything she said. Not judging, simply commenting.

“Wait, what? You mean John?” Maddie thought the girl had meant her fake boyfriend Garrett.

“Yeah, he totally loves you. I can tell,” she smiled.

Maddie looked past her and at John. Sure enough he was looking back at her. Maddie turned back to the girl, not sure how to respond, “Um, twenty dollars.”

The girl handed her the money and smiled before walking away.

Maddie watched the band play. John kept his eyes on her throughout each song. He didn’t even try to hide it, because he could only see her silhouette. He didn’t know she was staring right back at him.

When they were done playing Garrett walked off stage and ran towards Maddie. He was drenched in sweat and had a huge smile on his face.

“Garrett, no!” she exclaimed, trying to shield herself but he embraced her and she held her breath.

“How’d I do, girlfriend?” he asked when he sat her down.

“Great,” she mumbled, wiping his perspiration off of her arms.

Maddie looked up and saw John drinking a bottle of water. He looked at her, too, before some fans came to him.

“Maddie, take a picture with me!” Garrett called. Maddie turned around and walked to him. “Pick me up,” he demanded.

“What?” At that moment Garrett jumped into her arms and wrapped his around her neck. “Garrett,” she struggled, “Where’s the camera?”

“Hmm,” He pulled it out of his pocket and searched for a photographer, “John! Take this picture!”

“Quickly!” Maddie said, Garrett slipping out of her arms.

“One, two, three,” John counted before he snapped the picture. Right when it flashed both Maddie and Garrett fell to the ground.

Maddie outstretched her arms and panted, “Oh my gosh.” Garrett still lay on top of her, laughing.

John watched them as Garrett made Maddie laugh. He had passed the point of jealousy when he saw them sitting at the table before the show, now he was flat out irritated. He was angry that she still got to him, but he was furious that she wasn’t even trying. Maddie wasn’t making an effort to get to John; she was just so good at it.

John and Garrett walked over to a group of fans to take pictures. Maddie made her way back to the table to find a line waiting. After about fifteen minutes most of the people surrounding the boys moved away.

Kennedy sat next to Maddie as the next band played, “They’re pretty good,” he yelled over the music.

“Yeah, they are!” Maddie shouted back. They both sat and listened to the next few songs before Kennedy turned to her.

“Hey, Maddie?” he moved closer so she could hear him,“I don’t think I ever apologized.” She looked at him now, waiting. “I’m sorry for everything I did to you.”

She looked away, not letting tears come to her eyes. This was something she had let control her life for too long and she was convinced she was so close to being okay. “Why did you do it?” she asked.

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” he told her.

“You weren’t very successful!” she yelled into his ear. Maddie tried not to allow the thought sneak back into her head and not let the hurt travel to her heart. Kennedy had taken her virginity; no, Kennedy had stolen her virginity, and it wasn’t something she had dealt with yet. It was pushed to the very back of her mind and she hoped it would stay there.

He laughed, “I know. I just love you a lot, Maddie, and that made my judgment slightly misconstrued.”

She sighed, “You know I can’t love you, right?” She hoped it didn’t hurt him, even though causing Kennedy some pain might satisfy her own.

He nodded his head and smiled reassuringly, “I know, don’t worry about me. I have someone else that needs my love,” he said, thinking of Emma.

“Well, then I forgive you,” she smiled. It was the truth. She had forgiven Kennedy. She had forgiven him for leading her on, and for lying, and for sleeping with Carly. Somewhere in between the hurt and confusion she had found the will to pardon him, and no matter how many reasons as to why Maddie tried to give herself they all came full circle to the most important: Emma. She had not, however, forgiven him for taking her virginity; because that was the one thing she had not forgiven herself for, not yet.

“Good,” Kennedy said, lowering his voice as the band’s set ended. “So what’s going on with you and John?”

She rolled her eyes, “I have no idea, why don’t you ask him? Then let me know.”

He laughed, “He’s in love with you, silly.”

“You’re the second person to tell me that tonight,” she said. She searched the room for John and found him leaning against a speaker backstage. His sweaty hair was a mess atop his head and his shirt was spotted with sweat, too. Somehow he still looked cute.

“It’s because it’s true, and very, very obvious.” Kennedy said, looking at John too.

“I think he’s getting tips from you on how to show his love then, because he really sucks at it.”

Kennedy busted into a laugh, “Ouch! I guess I deserved that one,” he said.

“Just a bit,” Maddie smiled.

“He’s just scared,” Kennedy said simply. “You need to put yourself out there, because you love him too.”

She looked at him, “What?”

He took a sip of water and didn’t look at her, “You heard me. You love John.”

She turned back to see John looking at her. Maddie thought it was strange Kennedy was giving advice about her love life, but he made an excellent point. “What do you suggest I do?”

“Well, us rock stars always sing songs to express our feelings. You’ve got a good voice, try it!” Kennedy encouraged.

“I wouldn’t even know what to sing,” she said.

Kennedy shrugged, but started humming the melody to Merry Christmas, Baby. When Maddie looked at him he smiled.

She nodded her head, “Great idea,” she smiled, but then frowned when the next thought came. “I don’t know how to play guitar, though.”

“I’ll teach you, if you want. Free of charge,” he suggested.

Maddie considered it for a moment. She could be alone with Kennedy, no doubt. She wasn’t in love with him anymore, she had been in love with the idea of a boy who never existed, or so she thought. She looked back to where John had been. The place was empty and her eyes traveled to the right. She saw him with is arm slung over the shoulder of Courtney. He was unhappy, and Maddie could tell.

She turned back to Kennedy, “It’ll be totally normal, right?”

He nodded, “Absolutely. I’ll even bake cookies!”

“That’s…not normal Kennedy,” she laughed.

“I know, but don’t cookies just sound good?” He patted his stomach.

Maddie laughed, “You can come over tomorrow if you want? John is tutoring me but if you come at like four o’clock that’d work.”

“I’ll be there, with cookies!” He said as he stood up. “Well, I’ll let you clean up the merch while I go talk to my adoring fans,” he walked to a group of young girls.

Maddie packed up all the boxes of shirts and such. The venue was practically cleared out as she grabbed two boxes to carry to the van. She could barely peak over the top, so she prayed she wouldn’t run into anyone.

But she did. She collided with another person and both Maddie and her victim spilled to the ground. Maddie looked in front of her and couldn’t suppress her laugh.

“Oh god,” John said. He was standing next to Courtney as she lay on the ground, almost in tears. He reached to help Maddie up. She grabbed his hand and dusted herself off when she was standing.

“John!” Courtney screeched, holding her hand in the air for him to help her. He closed his eyes and took a breath before turning and helping her up.

“Why don’t you watch where you’re going, Riggs?” Courtney spat.

“It was an accident,” Maddie said, rolling her eyes as she bent down to pick up the boxes a few feet away.

“Hmm,” Courtney laughed, “I always knew you were like a groupie.”

“Courtney,” John warned.

“I bet you can’t even spell groupie,” Maddie replied.

“Do you know how to spell whore?” Courtney asked.

Maddie stood up straight and chuckled, “No, why don’t you come over here and tell me,” she said.

John stopped Courtney from walking to Maddie, because he knew she would lose. After all, he had been the one to teach Maddie to fight.

Maddie looked at John before shaking her head and rolling her eyes, “I’m leaving. Carry out your own boxes.”

She walked to her car and sat down in a huff. She shut the door and gripped the steering wheel. She heard a knock on her window and took a breath before rolling it down.

“I’m sorry… about her,” John said.

“Okay?” Maddie said, irritated.

“I just don’t want her to make you sad or anything. You’re not a whore,” he said.

“Yes, I know that, John. You’re the one that doesn’t recognize you’re dating the devil,” she told him. He stayed silent, knowing she was right. “Your girlfriend doesn’t make me sad, John. She makes me angry.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” John said.

“Right,” Maddie said. “I’ll see you at noon tomorrow for tutoring. Unless you’re going to be hooking up with your non-girlfriend, then don’t bother coming,” she said.

He frowned, “I’ll be there.”