Past Lives

The next week was hectic. Ads and I spent our time outside work packing up her stuff for Brooks'. This was weird for me; I had never lived on my own. I had my parents until college and then Ads from college on. This was strange, new territory and I wasn't sure I liked it. I mean, I'd get used to it, but...

Grow up, Jamie. How old are you? I sighed and gave Ads a hug while we taped up the last boxes. "Are you sure you've got everything?" I was playing the part of concerned friend. In reality, I was stalling.

Ads nodded. "Positive." She smiled as she brushed off her hands. "This is so weird..."

I just said, "Yup." I really had nothing constructive to add. I was bummed, but I had to let Ads go. This was about her, not me. I was ready to stop thinking about myself.

She looked over at me. "Are you sure you're ok with this?" she asked. I could tell she knew what was going on in my head. There was no way I was going to tell her the truth. I just nodded and turned around, pretending to double-check the bookshelf for any knick-knacks left behind.

"I'm positive, Ads." I turned around with my newly faked smile. "This will be great for you and Brooks."

She gave me a hug. "Thanks, Jamie."

She pulled her phone from her pocket and smiled as she checked a text. "The guys are outside."

We walked to the front door and let in the crowd of hockey players congregated on our porch. Brooks led the way and wrapped his arms around Ads. I watched as our hall filled up with Max, Sid, Marc, Jordan, Eric, Matt, Petr, Scuds and Craig. Craig smiled at me and I returned his smile before Scuds opened his mouth.

"Hey, Jamie, wanna hang out after?"

Damnit, Rob Scuderi, you keep your mouth shut around Craig. I shrugged and replied, "Only if I'm not dead to the world after this." I pointed to the boxes. "Have you seen how much crap she has?"

The guys laughed and filed into the living room to start grabbing boxes. Rob walked past and brushed my ass with his hand. As Craig passed, he grazed my hand with his. Did the two of them know? Had Rob told Craig I had been sleeping with him? What if Craig thought I was a slut?

This continued the entire time we were loading cars. They each did it when the other wasn't looking. I was so confused. There was something going on I didn't know about.

At Brooks', we found a place for everything. Organizing would be Ads' job; we just had to get it in. Brooks had promised everyone food if they helped, so once everything was settled in, he called it in. We popped in a movie and sat around talking. I found myself crammed between Scuds and Craig. Scuds was being territorial. Craig was being sweet. It was awkward and weird and I didn't like it.

Once the pizzas came and everyone filled their plates, I pulled out two bags, one pink, one black, and stood up. "Gentlemen, Ads, and Rob," I started to some laughter, "I decided that I would bring gifts." I handed the pink bag to Ads and the black bag to Brooks. "To your new life together. May it be full of laughs and love." The guys clapped and raised their beer bottles and pizza slices. Ads and Brooks opened the bags. Ads cheered and hugged me as she pulled out a black pillow. Brooks glared at me.

"You're a bitch."

"That's not a very nice 'thank you', Brooks Orpik."

The guys all laughed. "What is it, Brooksie?" Gods asked.

"Show us, man!" came from Sid.

He begrdugingly pulled out a hot pink pillow while the guys laughed their asses off. "Well done, Jamie!" Craig laughed as I sat down and he hugged me. I felt sparks everywhere his skin touched mine. It was amazing.

We laughed our way through the pizzas and beer before Scuds stood up. "Let's leave them alone, everyone. Lord knows they want to break in the new bed."

A collective "OHHHH!" went up from the group as we all laughed. Brooks flipped him off. "Come on, Brooksie, you know I can't say yes with your girlfriend sitting there."

We were all laughing hysterically. As Scuds was distracted with torturing Brooks, I felt Craig's hand cover mine. I didn't want to draw attention, so instead of turning to face him, I simply turned my hand over so our palms were touching. His fingers interlaced with mine and I felt my heart swell as he rubbed circles on my hand with his thumb. I could have sat like that forever.

As the bantering ended, I pulled my hand away and stood up. The guys followed suit and Craig smiled at me. "Could I talk to you later?" I started to say yes when my phone vibrated. I pulled it out to see a text from Scuds. Opening the phone, I read,

I really need to talk to you.

I responded with meet me outside. I looked back at Craig. "Sorry." Smiling, I said, "Definitely. How about we go grab something to drink later? Or coffee?"

Craig nodded. "Sure. I'll come pick you up around 8:30?"

"That sounds awesome."

A grin broke across Craig's face. "Great. I'll see you then." He left the house and I nodded to Scuds before I hugged Ads and Brooks, walked outside and sat on the porch. I needed to know what was going on with Scuds. Something told me I didn't want to have this conversation.

A minute later, Scuds walked outside and sat next to me on the porch. "Jamie, I need to be completely honest with you."

Oh no... I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. "Sure," I said. "Shoot."

He took a deep breath. "Jamie...listen..." He didn't look at me. He looked at the ant crawling over his shoe. He looked over at the rabbit hopping under the bush. Anything not to look at me. "Ever since college, I've only dated a few people." I could tell he was about to say something I didn't want to hear. I was terrified.

"All of those girls, Jamie?" He was looking at me now. "I compared them to you. Your laugh, your smile. Your sense of humor...I looked for it in everyone."

This was exactly what I didn't want to hear. I had to cut him off before he said anything that would make this worse.

"Rob-"

"Jamie, you need to know that the night I kissed you was the best thing to ever happen to me."

I couldn't hear this. "Rob, please-"

"Jamie." He took my hand. I couldn't let him say it.

"Rob, you can't-"

"I'm in love with you."

I burst into tears. I wasn't one to cry, but the tears flooded my cheeks. I couldn't handle it. I knew that I was about to break his heart. I knew I was about to hurt him worse than anyone before. Everything that had happened in the past year never should have happened. It was all a lie.

"Rob...please...don't..."

He wiped the tears from my cheeks. "Jamie, what's-"

I shook my head. "You're not in love with me. You can't be in love with me. Please take back everything you said and change your mind. You don't want to be in love with me."

"What do you mean?" Scuds was so confused. "Jamie, I don't understand."

"I'm a terrible, horrible person. You can't waste your time on me." I stood up and started to walk to my car. Rob followed me.

"Jamie, please tell me what you mean. What about the last year?"

I had to tell him. He deserved to know. If he hated me for it, I deserved it. I deserved every ounce of malice from him after what I had done. I shook my head as I pulled my keys out. "Rob, it..." I shook my head again. "It didn't mean anything."

He stopped walking. "What do you mean?"

I turned and said, "Rob, I have never been in love with you. When we first had sex, I was afraid it would be awkward because you were like my brother. But I just needed someone to pick up the pieces and act like they wanted me. I never meant for you to get hurt. I'm a selfish, horrible person, Rob. You don't want to be with me and I don't deserve to be with you." I felt a tear slide down my cheek. "I'm so, so sorry, Rob."

I got in my car. I couldn't stay there any longer. I needed to get home.

--

When 8:30 rolled around, I was sitting on my couch in sweat pants and a tank top with my legs pulled up to my chin, tears streaming down my face. My hair, wet from the shower I had taken, was hanging around my face. I just didn't care. I couldn't go anywhere that night.

I heard a knock at the door and instead of answering, I called out, "It's open!"

Craig walked in with a bunch of calla lillies. I had no idea how he knew they were my favorite. As soon as he saw me, though, he set them on the coffee table and sat next to me, pulling me close. "Jamie, what happened?"

I turned my face into his shoulder and sobbed. He held me for what seemed like hours while I let it all out. I cried. I tired to tell him what was wrong. I couldn't form the words.

"Shhh..." He kissed the top of my head. "Jamie, everything's going to be ok."

I shook my head. "N-no it's n-not."

"What happened, sweet?"

I looked up and wiped my eyes. "I...Rob..."

Craig sat up. "Did he hurt you?"

"N-no!" I choked back a sob. "I hurt h-him!"

We sat curled together on the couch for at least an hour. We didn't say anything except for Craig helping me calm down. When I could finally speak, I explained everything. Sleeping with Bugsy and finding out about his finacee. Scuds being there to help me. How Scuds and I turned into bed buddies. How I stopped sleeping with him after I met Craig. I finally said something to Craig about Craig.

"Craig, that kiss...it..." I shook my head. "I'd never felt anything like that before. That kiss actually meant something."

He held me close. "It meant something to me, too." He kissed the top of my head as I voiced the thought that had me terrified.

"Craig...if you didn't want to be around me anymore-"

"What? Jamie, why-"

"Because I'm a whore. Because I really don't deserve to be happy after everyone I've hurt."

He shook his head. "Jamie, everyone makes mistakes. You were younger. There might have been something there with Rob." He held my hands to his chest as he said, "But, Jamie, that kiss knocked me on my ass, too. I was hoping you weren't with Rob." Smiling, he added, "That's what I wanted to talk you about." Kissing my hand, he asked, "Jamie, would you like to have a real date with me? I want to do this right."

I nodded. "I would love that."

He kissed me softly. It was all I needed.