Bedtime

The white walls and fluorescent lights of the hospital room are a drastic change from the darkness my eyes had adjusted to at Mace's.

I lay back staring at the ceiling, I feel a sting as a needle and thread slips through my skin, sewing my wounds shut.

"There, your done" The nursed smiles, I don't return it.
She leaves and I'm left to myself.

Something feels so different about me.
Something more then physical or emotional.
Like when your watching family feud and they finally tell the answer no one could guess.
Like I finally understand something.

I think back to couple months ago, to Blake, to a conversion we had. He said he loves me so much, too much, he said he had feelings that made him want to have 'intercourse' with me.

Intercourse.

That's what Mace wanted, that's what Mace had.

Blake wants to do that?
He wants to make my insides me rip and ache?
He wants me to bleed?
He wants fill with me with such a vulgar warmth and make me dirty?

Why would he want that?
That's not love, it can't be.

*X*

Blake walks into the hospital room where I am.
"They said once they get all the tests back, they'll release you"
He takes a seat in a plastic back chair next to the bed.

He holds out his hand in front of me, something silver and familiar dangles from his fingers.

"When I took the cops back to arrest him, I found this"

I look at it.
It's nothing I want anymore.

"I don't want it"

His face twists in confusion.
"What do you mean?"

"I don't want it anymore"
I repeat.

"Why?"
His features are clouded with hurt.

"We aren't love, you don't love me"
I turn my head towards the window.

"What hell are you talking about Farrah? I've never loved anyone more then I love you!"
He grabs my shoulder and I jerk away.

"No, your just like Mace"
I whisper.
I hear the chair slam back against the wall.

"I am nothing like that bastard! I would never hurt you like that!"
Blake's voice echo's off the walls.

"Yes you would, you said it yourself"

"When?!"

"You said you loved me too much, you told me you had feelings that were only relieved through doing exactly what Mace did to me"
My voice has so no emotion.

"No! That's not what I meant! What he did was rape! I would never force you into anything!"

"You said I didn't understand, you were right"
My voice is barely hearable.
"But now I do, I understand how it works, I understand how it feels, how it hurts"

"Farrah. I would never. Never, hurt you. You are the world to me"
His voice is soft and closer.
I feel him sit down on the bed.

"Then why did you let it happen? Why didn't you listen to me when I said he was in my room? Why didn't you save me like you always promised you would? You didn't need do what Mace did to hurt me, all you had to do was not protect me"

I finally look up at him.
His eyes are filled with utter desolation.
But I do not regret my words.
Because for the first time, seeing pain in those eyes, doesn't bother me.

The nurse walks in, clipboard in hand.
"We have your tests back, your negative for any disease and your not pregnant"

Blake breaks his gaze and stands, facing her.

"I'll go get my parents" Blake mutters walking from the room.

I simply close my eyes.