Couldn't Hate Enough to Love

Now I understand why girls say guys are stupid. I had lied telling Tara I wanted her to leave. I knew it as soon as I finished spitting out the words.

I wanted to grab her by the wrist, and tell her not to leave, that I hadn't meant any of what I said. I needed her. Instead, I watched her walk out the door.

"Freedom," Max had called it, when he came over days after our fight. It didn't feel like freedom to me, I just felt alone, caged in misery.

"Everyone in my life leaves."

"Oh, woe is me! My girlfriend dumped me, my life is over." Max mocked. Easy for him, he had never been in a stable relationship in his life. When he ended it with one woman, he'd quickly move on to another. He was superstar Max Talbot, what did it matter to him?

He wouldn't be laughing if he knew what had influenced this "break-up" if that's what it was. I wasn't certain. She was back in Ottawa, where she shared an apartment with friends. She lived their most of the year, for school, getting her masters degree in social work.

All of her stuff was still where she had left it, and I wondered if it was really over when she intended to get it.

I made no effort to move any of it. I didn't want to believe it could be over.

"You need to get away or something -like a vacation! This place is depressing. Are you a vampire now? Do you not open the blinds?," Max drew back a curtain, peering outside.

I didn't need to listen to Max's advice. Who did he think he was, that he could waltz into my home -unannounced- and expect me to listen to him criticize me.

I sat awake staring at the ceiling of my bedroom. 3:24 AM. Why am I still awake?! I flopped back onto the bed, burying my face in a pillow. I was restless, rolling over on my side squinting I could see a small picture frame on my bedside table. I grabbed it, flicking on the light. It was a picture of Tara and I. Her head was tilted back, mouth gaping open. She was laughing, while I had a goofy smirk plastered across my face looking at her. It was candid. I remembered that day. It was the one day I could remember that I forgot my grief.

God, I needed out! I was sinking further into a depression. I set the picture back down, and pushed myself off the bed. Digging through my closet, I pulled out a suitcase.