Listen To Your Heart.

I closed my eyes; I could see Nicholas playing catch with me on a summer afternoon. I could hear his footsteps as he was running through the gardens; I could smell his after shave. My eye’s tightened, containing the tears that were about to escape. I didn’t even know if being here was the right thing to do, but to me this was the only way I could speak to my brother one last time.

I opened my eyes and stared at the stain-glass window, I remembered coming here as a child on a Sunday morning. Nicholas always loved it here, for us growing up it was a place of shelter; somewhere we could go to feel safe. He told me the first time he left that I carried himself and god around everywhere I went; he said nothing could hurt me if I just believed. I knew that this is where I had to be at this moment.

The aisles of seats were vacant, there was complete silence. I clutched my chest; my breathing was heavy. I whipped away the tears that filled my eyes; I didn’t want to grieve anymore. When I found my voice again I spoke, it was weak but would suffice.

“Nicholas, what are you doing to me? You’re leaving me all alone in a world where I feel like I don’t belong.” My breathing was uneven, my heart was pounding. “Ihate you, I hope you know that. You broke your promise, you didn’t come back Nicholas. How I wish I could just hit you in the face” tears rolled down my cheeks and I sat there quietly sobbing. “I love you Nicholas, I wish you were here. I wish I didn’t feel so hollow inside. I'd do anything to hug you one last time”

I looked up at the paintings that surrounded me, “Take care of my brother won’t you. He means everything to me.” I stared at the place where we sat every Sunday. I remember one day Nicholas was so hungry he hid skittles in his shirt pocket and ate them quietly, mother caught him and nearly ripped his head off. We laughed so hard that day.

I looked back to the paintings in front of me, remembering how perfect they looked through the eyes a 13 year old. This church held so many fond memories of my childhood, it held so many memories with Nicholas. I started to sob again, muttering the same word under my breath over and over again.

Why.
When I was finally finished I stood up “Goodbye Nicholas”. I walked back the way I came, I stood 3 aisles from the entry when I realised I wasn’t alone. “I’m sorry for your loss” his voice chilled me to the bone, I whipped away the tears on my cheeks. “Why are you here Alex?” he wasn’t smiling for once, I could have sworn he was in pain. “To comfort a friend” I looked down, I needed a friend right now and even Alex would do. “Did you hear all that?” he sighed and nodded, I sat next to him quietly.

“I’m so afraid Alex, I feel like I’m losing myself one piece at a time” my voice croaky. “Everything will be alright, you have good friends Belle. You would never lose them, and I know I’ll hate myself for saying it but I know John will take care of you” I looked at Alex, I felt like a bit of a douche bagfor being so rude to him at times. I figured if I pushed him away everything that happened between us would disappear and I wouldn’t feel so broken inside.

“John’s on tour right now, Eric and Nick are here with me” Alex casually laced our hands together, my legs shook and my head ached. I couldn’t deny the feeling I got when he touched me, I hated myself for liking the way his hand felt in mine. “Why do you keep coming back Mr. Gaskarth?” I looked into Alex’s mesmerizing brown eyes. “I keep coming back because you’re worth fighting for Belle; you’re the only girl that has ever been worth fighting for.” I sighed, resting my head on his shoulder. “I truly did love you Alex” I felt his chest heave in and out heavily at my words. “I truly do love you Belle”

This was so wrong, but it felt so right.