Listen To Your Heart.

I sat in my room and just watched as he heaved his suit case up the drive way, I didn’t bother to help because he was the last person I wanted to talk to. I shut my blinds and pulled my i-pod out from under my pillow, I was currently in my ‘I don't give a fuck so hard right now’ mood. What John had said hurt, it had left me with a scar. I knew that everything with my family was complicated, I knew that my mother wasashamed of me; I didn’t need John to remind me of it though.

I turned the volume up to the loudest and started drawing on a note pad; lately I had been drawing a lot of brokenhearts. He grabbed my shoulder and I nearly jumped out of my skin, I pulled out my head phones and stared at him blankly. “I’m home” John smiled and I just frowned at him before turning back around “Well obviously” I muttered. John muttered a few curse words before leaving my room, I had been ignoring his calls for the last 3 days. After what he said to me, I wasn’t going to forgive him that easy.

It wasn’t only the stuff he said; it was the fact that he tried to blame me for him cheating. Jenny’s voice echoed from downstairs as she called everyone for dinner. I sighed and stood up, catching sight of John on my way out of my room. I rolled my eyes and slumped into my chair, John taking the one opposite me. Jenny layed my dinner out in front of me, I picked up my fork but was interrupted by John.

“Do you mind if we say grace mom?” I looked at John confused; we never said grace before dinner. I shrugged and looked at Jenny “Okay John” he smiled. I took Jenny and Shanes hand before closing my eyes, John began to speak. “Thank you lord for providing us with food on this table, a house to live in and family to surround ourselves with.” I shook my head and waited him to stop speaking. “Thank you for showing us forgiveness” I heard John scoff at the word forgiveness. I opened my eyes and sure enough he was looking right at me. “Also loyalty and faithfulness” I spat back at John; everybody opened their eyes and looked at us confused. John smirked at me “Amen” Jenny said and let go of my hand. I grabbed my knife and stabbed it into my meat, looking at John the entire time.

He picked up his fork and jabbed it into his potatoes. I knew all eyes were on me and John, I honestly didn’t have a problem with it; after all I hadn’t done anything wrong. Jenny coughed “So John, how was tour? You didn’t get into too much trouble did you?” Jenny laughed but I just stared, smirking. “Yeah it was great mom” John muttered, I smiled. “So you had fun? Did you meet any interesting people?” I smiled at John as he spoke back to me through his teeth. “Yes, a couple”

I played with my peas and continued to interrogate John. “How about the shows? Did you ever, screw up?” my voice changed at the last part of the sentence, John gritted his teeth. “Just once” Jenny looked between us, keeping back her questions. “I bet screwing up sucked, did anyone else know about it?” I really just wanted to know if the boys knew, but I figured I’d keep Jenny and the others out of the loop. “They all knew, for days they knew. But they didn’t tell anyone, it was our little secret” John smiled as I fidgeted with my hands. I couldn’t believe the boys knew and didn’t tell me, I felt betrayed.

“Anything else you’d like to know?” John stuffed a carrot into his mouth. “Just one more thing” John motioned for me to continue. “Was it difficult to think about?” he scrunched up his nose. “I don’t follow” I looked down. “Was it hard knowing you had screwed up?” when I looked back up my eyes were watery. John’s face softened and he sighed. “It is the hardest thing knowing you have screwed up, I didn’t know what I was going to do.” I rubbed my eyes and coughed. “Well, I’ve lost my appetite. Thank you Jenny, but I’d like to excuse myself” I stood up and Jenny just nodded, I walked up stairs quietly and grabbed my i-pod and jacket. I quickly walked out the front door before anyone could say anything.

I had to make some sense of everything, I needed space to think. I was so angry at John, he had made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him; like my love wasn’t enough. It might be easy for him to forget but I wasn’t going to be able to any time soon. I ran my hands through my hair as the sun set in the distance, I wished that everything wasn't so fucked up.

I wished that I was enough for John.