Listen To Your Heart.

It had been on my mind all week; it had been the only thing on my mind all week. Why would John leave the band? Why did he think he couldn’t have both?I was lost to why John would think any of this. I planned to confront him about it, but every time I brought it up he’d be like ‘not now’ or ‘we’ll talk about it tomorrow’, but we never did. I was getting sick and tired of being the excuse, being the reason behind all the tension and hostility within the band, especially when I didn’t know why it was my ‘fault’.

“John, you’re killing me” I sat in front of him with my legs crossed. It seemed a tad odd that he was sitting out the front but I had to talk to him about this, now. “I wasn’t aware I was, how am I doing so?” he asked with a cheeky grin, I wasn’t playing games but as soon as he smiled I started giggling like agoose. I hated that when I was trying to be serious he’d make me laugh, it was one of the things I loved him for though. “Music, the band, the boys, us; you know, that stuff is killing me.” He groaned and closed his eyes. I started fiddling with my hands, “John, why am I the reason that you’re giving up music?”

I had my head down so he took me by surprise when he lifted my head in his hands. “I love you with my entire heart.” He paused and took a breath. “I keep thinking, you can do so much more with your life. I don’t want to be the reason behind stopping you becoming successful. Over the last couple of days or so, all I can think of is me being the reason you live in the back of a tour bus when you could be, for example in New York working in that expensive office” I stopped him “And you think it’s fair for me to be the reason behind you not having a future? John you are your music, I couldn’t ask you to give that up for me.”

He sighed and loosened his grip on my face. “I want you to be the best you can be Belle” I smiled as he laced our fingers together. “I’ll follow you because wherever you are John, is where I want to be.” He layed a tender kiss on my lips, softer and more relaxed than the others this past week.“I don’t want you to ruin your future” he whispered. “You’re my future, nothing else matters” he sighed and averted his eyes from mine.

“I’m not always going to be around Belle, what are you suppose to do then?” I scrunched my nose up, “I’ll sort that out then John, it doesn’t matter now.” He raised his voice, he was annoyed. “It does matter Belle! I’m not going to let you throw everything away for me, I won’t!” he stood up and ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “I don’t care about anything other than you John” I yelled back. “Why don’t you get it?” I stood up and moved towards him, “Get what?” he shouted. “That I don’t need anything else if I have you, I don’t want anything else but you!” he looked at me like I was an idiot, like I was useless. He pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket and waved it in front of my face. “This is where you are suppose to be Belle, not in a tour bus!” I grabbed the paper, it was a letter from New York Times.

“This is my mail, why would you open it?!” I turned to walk inside but John grabbed my wrist. “They’ve been sending you letters for weeks, why didn’t you tell me? We could have talked about it, made a plan” I pulled my wrist from his grip. “I don’t want to talk about it, there is nothing in New York for me John!” I sighed. “Except a future” he said softly, shrugging and walking away. “So you’re allowed to walk away while we argue but I’m not? Guess what John, the quicker you realise I don’t want this, the better!” I watched him drive away, “Imbecile” I muttered and walked inside slamming the door behind me.

No one was home so I was as loud as I pleased; I made my way to my room and chucked the letter on my bed. I looked at myself in the mirror, I looked absolutely terrible. I shrugged and walked into my room to find my phone vibrating violently on my desk. Call I.D. said it was Nick, so I took a deep breath and calmed down.

“Hey Nick” I sat on my bed, I could feel a head ache coming on. “Hi” he sounded different today. “Is everything okay Nick?” I questioned curiously. “The boys just got offered an amazing touring opportunity” he muttered, I scrunched my nose up. “Isn’t that a good thing? Shouldn’t we be partying or something?” I laughed. “It’s just, they don’t know if John will go. This could be the start of a huge record deal for them” I pushed my hands through my hair, if John was still being this stubborn he might not actually go.

“He’ll go, he is just being painful. Give him a couple of days and he’ll say yes” Nick sighed. “He called Kennedy yesterday and sounded pretty convincing that he was leaving” my heart rate accelerated “Nick, what do you mean?” Nick’s end went quiet. “Nick what did he say?”. “He wants to be with you, and he knows you can’t give up your life so he is giving up his” I thought I might cry, he was only looking out for me but I felt as though I was pulling the band apart.

I looked down and saw the letter; the date was two days earlier. John got the letter and read it, he must have realised that the job was still on the board when he called Kennedy. “Oh no, this is my entire fault” I took a deep breath, “Nick, I’ll call you back” I closed my eyes and thought.

I thought about absolutely everything, I thought about me, John, the boys, my future and his. I kept seeing the same image in my head; John on stage playing a gig. I saw him when he was on stage, even when he was just sitting around writing music. It was his life, even if he tried to deny it. I was willing to give my life up to spend every moment with John, but he wouldn’t let me. If he wouldn’t let me give up my life, I sure as hell wasn’t about to watch him make the biggest mistake of his. My palms became sweaty as I opened my eyes and looked at the letter from New York.

It would have to be one of the hardest things I’ll ever do but I realised that it had to be done. I called the office in New York, I spoke to my future boss and he was thrilled to have me accept the job. He books me a flight within the hour and sends a cab to pick me up.

I pack as much as I can in my bag, I wasn’t about to watch John walk away from everything. He deserves more than this, he deserves someone who can give him everything and be there through it all. I can’t stand by and watch him give up music; that may be the most selfish thing I’ll ever do.

I look around the room I have had so many good memories in, from it being filled with blue flowers to realising John was the boy I was going to marry. My tears escape and I whip them away with the back of my hand. My hands shake as I leave a note on my bed, John deserved more than a note but right now I couldn’t give him anything more.

I read my letter over and over and over again while I wait, my tears smudge some of the words but I'm sure John will be able to read it. When the cab driver finally arrives I sigh, I walk out of my room leaving basically everything behind. All I have is some clothes, my laptop, money and my letter. The cab driver downstairs honks impatiently, I walk out of the O’Callaghan house holding back tears. “Airport please” the cab driver grunts and starts driving away from everyone and everything,

I’m leaving all over again; except this time I’m doing it for John.