Listen To Your Heart.

It didn’t seem like my place to go to the funeral but after Shane ran into my room this morning in tears, begging me to tell him it was just a bad dream, well he really changed my mind. I pulled on my black dress and black coat; I hadn’t seen them since Nicholas’ funeral. It brought tears to my eyes having to put them on; saying goodbye to someone for good was such a hard thing to do.

Ever since Nicholas’ passing I hadn’t stepped foot in a grave yard, they just held so much pain. Shane found himself grasping my hand rather tight as we walked through the gates but then again I didn’t blame him. I kneeled down so I could look him straight in the eyes, “Hey bud, how you doing so far?” I asked, he shrugged and sighed. “The ceremony is about to start so how about you go and stand with your mom” he nodded slowly; I kissed the top of his head and whispered Good boy.

The burial was outside, someone handed me a booklet with a photo of Shane’s aunt on the front. I took one look at it and realised that I couldn’t do this. I could see Nicholas’ funeral all over again running through my mind; the guns, the crying, the empty feeling in my chest when they layed him in the hard, cold ground for good. As if to make it any harder it was an open coffin, I didn’t want to see Shane when he saw his aunt. It would be ten times worse than when I saw Nicholas, Shane was still so young; he shouldn’t have to seedeath yet.

I didn’t want to see all these people cry, I don't think I could. There was a bench a couple of meters away hidden behind a huge angel statue, I’d sit there until it was all over. I’d wait for Shane and Jenny, then we’d go home and I’d comfort Shane and sing him to sleep. I needed to help this family because when I need them, they were there for me.

Sobbing was the only noise I could hear, I clutched my chest. My eyes darted over to the people standing around her coffin. I caught sight of him, don’t ask me why but I hid even further behind the angel. The ceremony was nearly over, I smiled at him. I was at a funeral and I was smiling. I have to admit, I had issues. It was John though, it was my boy.

Last night really got me thinking, I loved Arizona and I missed it. I wanted to come back, I wanted John in my arms again. I took a deep breath and stood up, about to walk over to him. My heart broke and my eyes gushed with tears.Over and over again I had a stabbing feeling in my chest, I dropped to me knees. John had his arms around another girl, his lips were moving in time with hers.

It was Grace. It was the girl who was so perfect for John it hurt; it was the girl who John had been in-love with until I moved back to town. It hurt so much, she was the only girl friend I had in Arizona and she was with my boy. I cringed; I guess I never really had thought about it until now. John wasn’t my boy anymore, I had left him and he had replaced me with her.

I sat back on the bench and sobbed, I felt all alone, but more than anything I felt vulnerable.

In reality, Grace doesn’t know how lucky she was. Hell, I didn’t realise how lucky I was until it was all gone, until John was gone. I kept my distance but watched as her lean arms wrapped around his lanky frame, his gentle touch as he smoothed her hair. 3 weeks, that’s all it took to forget me; 3 weeks to replace me with Grace.

My heart broke into a million pieces, I wanted to go home.