Listen To Your Heart.

Allie followed me out of the clinic with her head bowed, she was ashamed of what she had just done. “It’s your choice Allie, don't feel bad” I whispered. She nodded and muttered “I want to go home” I sighed and handed her money for a cab. “Go back to the apartment and I’ll meet you there, got some stuff I have to take care of” she nodded and walked into the busy street to hola for a taxi.

I started walking towards work, I pulled out my phone and dialled dad’s number. It went to message bank and I muttered a few curse words before the beep sounded. “Firstly, you let mom kick me out of home! Then you go ahead and let her throw Allie out on her ass. You’ve lost me dad, you really have. Don't lose Allie over this, she needs her dad” I shut my phone and walked into my office building. Anna was chatting up some delivery man, she smiled at me and continued to play with her hair.

When I got upstairs there was an office party going on, I looked around astounded. I hadn’t even known this was happening, Chelsea walked over and gave me a hug. “I’m so glad you came, there is cake over there” she smiled and walked away. I looked around the room and felt completely alone, who were these people? I’d spent the last 3 years of my life with people I did not like spending my time with.

I walked into my office and slide down the back wall; I wrapped my arms around my knees and quietly sat listening to my colleagues chat amongst themselves. I’d spent 3 years in a place with people that I didn't even know and had no intension of knowing, yet I felt completely comfortable living and working with strangers. Did that prove how distant I was from people after I left Arizona or how incapable I was of opening up to people?

Time past, a lot of time but I simply sat there in my office thinking about how much I detested my own life. I wished I was Allie, I wished I had gone to college. I wish I would have met a cute boy and married him, I wish my life was that simple. I sighed, deep down I loved the chaos that was my life.

There was a knock on the door and my eyes fluttered to the screen of my phone. My eyes widened 20 missed calls. I moaned and looked at the time, 11:02pm. The door cracked open and John stepped inside. I cleared my throat so my voice would be heard. “I just want to be alone” I whispered. John sat down next to me and sighed. “And why would you want to be alone for?” he whispered back. I thought for a moment, I thought about the real reason I was hiding in my office. “I was completely alone in a crowded room yet I didn't mind. This is who I am now and I don't particularly hate it. I’m not sure why or when I changed but I’d rather spend the majority if my time alone then with people” I muttered.

I looked at him and lowered my eyes to my hands. “Then when I am alone I just want to be with you” he laced our hands together and I rested my head on his shoulder. I don't know why, I don't even know what I was feeling. All I wanted to do was go to sleep, yet these days not even dreaming was a good place to hide. Over time I changed and became this person, so isolated and distant. I guess when you’ve been alone for so long you forget how important it is to be with people, how alive it makes you.

Maybe that was my problem, maybe I was already dead on the inside.