Chasing Fireflies

“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” Garrett shook his head repeatedly. “I didn’t mean to take advantage of you, Laurel. I just—”

“Garrett,” I interrupted him firmly. “Look at me.” Garrett lifted his head. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was truly sorry and meant what he said. I’d known him since Kindergarten; I knew pretty much everything about him, including his facial expressions.

Well, except that he’s in love with me, apparently. I didn’t know that.

“Garrett,” I repeated. “You’ve been one of my best friends since we were five.” I paused, thinking out what to say. Soon, I continued. “I was there when you broke your wrist in third grade. I was there when you got rejected by Karina in eighth grade. I was there when you had an allergic reaction to the bee sting in tenth grade. All this time you’ve been one of my best friends. I honestly never even considered thinking of you as anything more. I forgive you for kissing me; we all get caught up in the moment, right?” I tried to give him a small smile, but he didn’t return it. I cleared my throat. “Look, can you just give me some time to process this? It’s all so sudden and I just…” I trailed off, hoping Garrett would get my point.

Garrett nodded. “Yeah… yeah,” he said gruffly. “I can do that.” He stepped from one foot to the other, looking nervous, like he didn’t know what to do next.

I gave him another small smile and tilted my head back towards the parking lot. “Let’s head back. Everyone’s probably wondering where we are.” Garrett nodded and we walked silently back to the van.

When we got to the van, John was holding a bag of M&Ms and a Coke. “Hey!” he greeted us. “We wondered where you went off to.”

“We just took a walk,” I said, trying to sound casual.

We all packed into the van, and it was Pat’s turn to drive. I sat in between Rebecca and Kennedy. As soon as we got on the highway, I leaned by head back and closed my eyes. In the course of ten minutes, so much had changed. My head felt like it was about to explode. I could hear Jared telling Pat directions to the Royal Gorge, our next destination. Since we were stuck in Colorado for a few extra days, we had to do something, so we all talked about it and agreed on the Royal Gorge.

At some point I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, I was being jolted awake by Rebecca. “Sorry to wake you,” she told me. “We just hit a pothole and it made me bump into you.”

I smiled at her. “It’s fine. I probably shouldn’t sleep any longer anyway.” She smiled back at me, and went back to playing a game on her phone. On a whim, I decided to text her. We’d only known each other for a couple days, but since she was the other person who knew about the Pat situation and she hadn’t told anyone yet, I figured I could trust her with the Garrett situation.

Can I tell you something? Do you promise not to freak out? I don’t want anyone in the van to know something is up.

I saw Rebecca’s phone buzz and she picked it up. Thankfully, she didn’t show any expressions that would give anything away. Of course. she texted back. I’m good at keeping a straight face.

When we were at the rest stop, Garrett told me he thinks he’s in love with me and he kissed me. I don’t know what to do! He’s been one of my best friends since Kindergarten!”

Oh my God! Rebecca texted back. What did you tell him?

I told him I had to think about it. I texted back.

Have you? I mean, what about Pat?

I sighed. I don’t know. I mean, Garrett’s… Garrett. He’s an amazing guy. Maybe if I tried I could feel something for him.

You shouldn’t have to try, Laurel. You should just KNOW.

I sighed again. I know you’re right but…

I’m here if you need me. Rebecca texted. I turned to her and gave her a smile. She smiled back and patted my knee. Thankfully, Kennedy was looking out the window and didn’t notice any of this.

I decided to read for a little bit, and about half an hour later we arrived at the Royal Gorge. We all piled out of the car and I laughed as almost all of us (except Jared) stretched our legs out. It was a long few hours just sitting in the van. I was about to ask what our plan was when Stacey spoke up.

“What’s the plan, guys?” she asked.

“Well, it looks like it’s going to rain later this afternoon, so we should probably do the bridge first,” John said. Everyone nodded and we all walked over to the entrance. Small talk was made as we all headed towards the Royal Gorge Bridge. As we approached it, John said, “Oh! Look at this sign! Apparently the bridge is 956 feet over the Arkansas River! That’s really high!”

That was all it took for me to stop in my tracks. “What?” I asked. “It’s almost 1,000 feet high? No. Sorry. I can’t do this.” I shook my head vehemently. “Sorry,” I said again.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Garrett said. “A lot of people are afraid of heights.”

“Yeah,” Pat said, walking over to me. “If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. I think you should, though. Try and conquer your fears, you know? I’ll hold your hand if you want.”

It took about ten more minutes of back and forth before I decided “fuck it” and grabbed Pat’s hand determinedly. “Let’s do this.” Pat smiled at me and the whole gang walked onto the bridge. “I change my mind,” I said, almost immediately.

Pat’s grip on my hand tightened. “You can do this, Laur. Just don’t look down.”

I took a deep breath and squeezed Pat’s hand back. “Okay.”

We walked a little bit further, until we reached the sign on the bridge that said Arizona. The states were listed alphabetically on the bridge, and many people stopped to take pictures of where they were from. Stacey and Rebecca insisted that they stand out of the picture, so they took a picture of the rest of us standing in front of the Arizona sign. Then we went a couple states further and came to the California sign and did the same thing. At that point, I wasn’t feeling too good. “I don’t think I can make it the rest of the way,” I told the group.

Garrett offered to take me back to the start and just walk around and meet the group on the other side. I thanked him and he held my hand as we walked back. When we all met back up together, the rain had just started to fall down. We all headed back to the van and piled back in.

“Where to next?” Rebecca asked.

We all shrugged. “We’re not too far away from Denver, so we could just find a hotel and chill for the night,” Jared suggested. Everyone agreed and we all drove to the closest hotel. The same rooming arrangements were assigned as before, and after I got unpacked I laid in the bed and closed my eyes.

I thought about what Garrett had said, and what Rebecca had said, and about the day in general. Everything was just so complicated. I groaned, causing Rebecca to walk over to my bed and sit down on it. “Are you thinking about…” she trailed off, not wanting to say it out loud.

I sat up and looked at her. “Yeah. When Garrett walked me back off of the bridge and we walked to the other side, it was eerily quiet between us. Usually we’re bickering back and forth. But it was a nice silence, and it gave me time to think. Everything makes sense now. The comment he made back when we left on the trip about how none of them like me and how obviously I don’t like any of them. How he came into my hotel room in Los Angeles to take a shower. How he’s been acting weird lately, not teasing me as much. He’s just a guy who has feelings for a girl, who just so happens to be me.” I paused. “I think I’ve made my decision,” I tell Rebecca.

I look at her and she instantly knows what my decision is. “Are you sure?” she asks me.

I nod. “Yeah. I’m going to go tell him.” I stand up and walk over to Garrett and Pat’s room and knock on the door. Pat answers. “Hey,” I say. He says hi back. “Is Garrett here?” I ask. He nods and calls for Garrett. Garrett comes outside in the hallway. I take another glance and Pat and ask myself again if I’m making the right decision, and then I turn to Garrett. “Can we go somewhere… private?”

Garrett nods and leads me outside. We stand there in silence for a few minutes. “What do you want to talk about?” he asks.

I take a deep breath and let it out. “I want to try this,” I tell him. He raises his eyebrows. “I mean… I want to try us. But I want to take it slow. I want to initiate things, okay?”

“Of course,” Garrett replies. “I would never want you to feel uncomfortable.” He smiles. “I can’t believe you said that.”

“Well believe it,” I tell him, and lean in and kiss him on the cheek. “Goodnight, Garrett.”

“Goodnight, Laurel,” he says, and my stomach doesn’t flip as much as it does when Pat calls me “Laur,” but it still flips, and I hope that means that I feel something for Garrett and not that I’m making a huge mistake.