Danger Line

*Ten Years Ago*

I stood next between my mother and father. It was my senior year of high school, and it should’ve been the happiest time of my life because I had everything I wanted, but right now, I was the most miserable person, aside from my parents, whom had lost a child, their first child.

My older brother, Damien, laid in the coffin in front of me. Dressed in his Marine Corps’ uniform. The scene was like out of a movie. It was raining and everything around me was in slow motion. I couldn’t believe that he was gone. I was never going to yell at him for getting into my personal life. But, truth be told, I’d give my soul to have him scold me that I should dump the asshole I was dating and get with Matt.

Matt, I looked across from me and saw Matt with his parents. His eyes were already on me, and there was a sad look on his face. Damien and Matt had been friends, not best friends since he and I were the same age, but they liked the same music, and Damien and I grew up with Matt.

He lived two houses from mine. Damien was older than us by four years. He died at the age of 21, no one should have to die so young. Especially not someone like Damien, he was so full of life.

My brother’s coffin began to lower, and my mom broke down, my dad caught her in his arms as my mother wept. I just held an emotionless look on my face and watched as he was lowered six feet underground. I had cried a lot, and I just couldn’t anymore, plus, I had to do it for my mom and dad. They had to think I was okay.

They had to worry about themselves.

After the burial, everyone went to my home for the wake. I was in the garage, by myself with his old drum set. I bit my lower lip as I picked up his drum sticks and sat down on the stool in front of the set. My eyes watered as I thought of so many memories of telling him to stop playing the dumb drums because I was on the phone with my asshole of a boyfriend, Frank, who was nowhere to be seen.

The door of the garage was open enough for someone to crawl under, and Matt crawled under. He was still dressed his black clothes. He dusted his clothes off and approached me like it was just any other day, except he didn’t have a smile on his face.

“Hey, Mattie,” I said in a voice I didn’t recognize.

“Hey, Kari, why are you here?”

“Reminiscing,” I answered in a deep sigh.

“He wouldn’t want you to,” he brought a chair next to me and I rested my head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around me. “I don’t want you to do this to yourself, Kari.”

“I feel… nothing.”

He wrapped his other arm around me and I just moved to his lap and cried silently in his chest. It was then that I realized what Damien was talking about. Matt and I had a close relationship, but I never thought about it as a serious relationship.

“I love you, Matt,” I said after I was done with my crying. “And… I don’t mean that in a friendly way,” I lifted my head up to meet his hazel eyes. “I mean it as in…” I pressed my lips softly against his, just to test the waters. When he didn’t do anything, I pulled away. “What is it?” I asked him.

He licked his lips like he was savoring mine.

“I want to kiss you back, but when you’re not like this. You’re vulnerable.”

“Vulnerable?”

“You just lost your brother, and I’m here comforting you, so you feel… a need to owe me-- what?”

I started to laugh.

I kissed him again, I pressed our lips harder together. I had to show him it wasn’t what he thought. Yes, I lost my brother, but I was not vulnerable. I knew my feelings for him were real. I cupped his face with my hands and made the kiss deeper.

He groaned, and I knew that was the sweet sound of defeat. He, too, cupped my face and started to kiss me back. It took me to a whole other world. A world without pain and without death. A world with love. Matt’s moved against mine like he had been waiting his whole life to do it, and he was doing it perfectly.

Not only was I feeling better, but I knew I could not love another man.

“We’ll take things slow,” Matt murmured against my lips.

“Of course.”

“We’ll wait a while to tell your parents.”

“Definitely.”

“I love you, too, Kari, since ninth grade.”

“I’m dumping Frank today.”

“Good, so then I can beat the crap out of him for treating you like crap.”

I chuckled. “Why haven’t you?”

“Cause then you’d hate me.”

I shook my head. “I could never hate you, Mattie.”

“Promise me one thing.”

“Anything.”

“Don’t ever stop calling me Mattie,” he grinned.

“Mattie,” he pecked my lips after I said it and I giggled, “Mattie,” he did it again. “I like this.”

A few weeks after my brother’s funeral, it was pretty evident that Matt and I were together. Most people were just waiting for us to get together. My parents were happy that I had someone that made me happy.

[Present]

“Damien, don’t jump on the couch,” I scolded my three year old son.

“Ok, mama,” he sat down on the couch.

Yes, I named our son after my brother. Matt agreed as soon as I suggested it when I was only five months pregnant.

Matt arrived from meeting with the band. He came with a brand new toy for Damien. The little kid couldn’t be happier.

“You spoil him, Matt,” I narrowed my eyes at him and crossed my arms across my chest.

He grinned at me. “He’s my first born son. I have to spoil him.”

I shook my head, but smiled.

“I’ll also spoil our second, third, and fourth,” he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my lips, and it always brought me back to how I felt the first time we kissed.

Even after ten years I still got that whole… whoosh of rush and love. I kissed back slowly and giggled when his hand slipped under my shirt to touch the skin on my hip.

“I missed you,” he murmured against my lips.

“You were only gone a few hours.”

“I miss having you in the studio.”

“Who’s gonna raise your offspring, then?” I joked and he laughed.

“You. Are you sure you want to be a stay home mom? You can still work with us.”

“Hmm, I know, but I rather see our son grow up.”

“I did right by marrying you,” he joked and brought us closer. “Why don’t we work on kid number dos?”

I chuckled, but it was gone when Matt’s lips went to my neck where he sucked on my skin and grazed his teeth.

“Daddy hurting mommy?” Damien’s voice broke us apart. He was standing near us with a worried look on his face.

“Daddy’s not hurting mommy,” Matt said as he crouched down to Damien’s level.

“I’m going to check the mail, I’m waiting for some papers from pre-school.”

“All right, babe, and I’m going to take this kid to the garage and show him how to fix a car.”

I laughed and shook my head as I headed outside of our home and went to the mailbox. I went through the junk mail and finally saw the one for pre-school, but the seal on the one behind the pre-school caught my attention.

My heart fell to the pit of my stomach, and all senses numbed as I moved the pre-school letter and saw the seal of the Marine Corp on the envelop.

I had to sit down at the steps of the house, so I wouldn’t fall.

I didn’t have to open the envelop to know what was inside. But so soon again? No, it wasn’t fair.

I must’ve stayed outside for about an hour.

I didn’t want to go inside and give Matt the bad news.

I just didn’t have to go inside.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” Matt sat down next to me on the steps.

I handed him the letter. I felt his muscles tense up. I heard as he ripped it open and got the letter out.

“No fucking way,” he muttered. “You can’t go.”

“I’ve been drafted, Matt, I have to go,” I muttered and rubbed my face with my hands.

“We have a kid, now, Kari, you can’t just go fight off in a war.”

I smiled a bit as I turned to him, my eyes watered, “Don’t you think I know that, but I have no choice.”

His hard hazel eyes told me that he also knew that. I couldn’t deny my duty as a Marine soldier. If I was summoned, then I had to go.

“When is it?” I asked.

“Two weeks.”

It was like a punch to my heart and someone was squeezing it and never letting it go. I closed my eyes and tears fell. Two weeks and I would leave for about another 18 months or more.

“Why did you fucking join the first place, Kari?” Matt muttered angrily.

“Because I wanted to honor my brother,” I reminded him. “You know that.”

“Yeah, and instead of a honeymoon, you went to Iraq for two years.”

“I know,” I said sadly. “But, I came back and gave you the family you wanted.”

“I want you safe,” he hugged me tightly. “What am I supposed to do if som--”

“No, nothing is going to happen to me. I don’t work in the field, you know that.”

“You never know,” he stroke my hair gently.

We remained silent and each other’s arms.

[Night Before Departure]

I think the hardest thing was to leave my son, and having to explain that his mommy was going to be gone for a while, and that they were going to chat through the computer, or Magic Box, as he liked to call it. I watched him as he slept soundly in his bed.

I moved some of his hair from his forehead and remembered how his skin felt, and his warmth. I had engraved his smile and laugh inside of my head since the first time it happened. I kissed his forehead and walked out of his room and went to the one where Matt and I slept.

He was on the bed with the TV on, but it was clear his mind wasn’t on the TV. I removed the robe I was wearing and revealed the lingerie I was wearing.

Matt’s eyes immediately widened. I wore his favorite color for lingerie, maroon. I crawled to him until I was straddling him.

“I love you, Mattie,” I said softly.

Our eyes locked. It was like we were seventeen again. Nothing had changed between us since then, except our love was stronger, and we were more intimate than ever. We didn’t need to touch each other physically to feel each other.

His eyes caressed me in such a loving way that gave me goose bumps.

I wanted nothing more than to be at his side forever and give him all the children he wanted. Our lips connected, and it started out slow and loving. His warm tongue moved against me. His hands lined the curves of my body and the roamed the rest of it.

The bra and panties were discarded, and his boxers as well. I lowered myself on him.

We both let out sighs of content. It was like being at home. I flipped my hair to the side as I started to move. Matt started to kiss my neck much like two weeks ago before we received the bad news.

He knew not to leave hickeys, but I desperately wanted him to.

Our bodies started to sweat and our kisses were sloppier. Our eyes always on each other. I watched his expressions of pleasure and he watched mine. I reached my peak and I threw my head back and let out a moan.

Matt switched us, but now we were diagonal on the bed, but he continued to move inside of me. His pace was slower.

“I love you,” he said against my lips. “Forever.”

“I love you, too.”

Matt didn’t stop until I reached yet another orgasm, and he reached it with me. I was on the pill, so I didn’t worry as he came inside of me. It just intensified the feeling. He didn’t let me go all night, I didn’t want to leave the safety of his arms.

The next morning, I didn’t have the guts to wake Matt up and tell him good bye. The cab had arrived to pick me up and I was dressed in my uniform. I did get to kiss Damien good bye.

It was really hard to get into the cab. It was like someone was tearing my soul in two.

I was shipped to Afghanistan in less than three days. I went through several tests to make sure I was still in mental and physical condition to go back. I didn’t get PTSD because I wasn’t in the action, and I wasn’t going to be again.

I dealt with computers/nurse stuff. I was great with computers and I was also good with doing stitches and stuff like that. They really wanted people with my kind of background.

The first video chat was two weeks after I was gone.

“Mama loves you,” I said to Damien. “Send me kisses.”

Damien pressed his little hand to his lips and then sent me kisses.

“Aw, I love you so much sweetie,” I wanted to cry so much. I missed my son like crazy.

Matt was there with Damien on his lap, and I missed him like crazy too.

“Love you, mama,” Damien said.

Matt let him down on his feet and Damien went away to play with his toys. Matt’s face came into view as he fixed the web cam.

“We’re good, how are you?” he asked.

“I’m good,” I answered. “I miss you both a lot.”

“I miss you too, babe.”

“I have to go.”

“All right, and don’t play hero if anything happens, okay?” he asked.

I chuckled because where I was stationed there was no action at all. “All right, love you.”

Three weeks later, I was sick. I started to throw up, and I knew it was bad, whatever I had. There was times soldiers got diseases, but I had gotten all of my shots, what else could be wrong? As I thought about it, a cold chill went down my spine.

Was I pregnant?

I counted the days and I was two weeks late.

I had to go see a doctor and it was confirmed that I was pregnant, which meant I was to be shipped back home because pregnant women were not allowed. I was asked if I had been sexually active before I came and I said yes, but I had been cautious, I guess the pill didn’t work. But, I was really happy to go back home.

I immediately went to my lap top and started to a video chat.

“Hey,” he greeted me with a smile, “you look happy.”

“Matt,” I said unable to stop the smile from my lips, “I’m pregnant.”

“What?! Oh my god! You’re pregnant?!” his eyes told me just how happy he was.

I nodded my head vigorously and happy tears escaped my lips.

“Wait, that means you’re coming home, right?”

“I’m being shipped back in two days, I’ll be home in three days since the ride back home is many hours.”

“I don’t care, as long as you get home, baby. I love you so much Kari.”

“I lo--” And then it happened.

It was a big BOOM that came from just outside the tent where I was working. One of the trucks had exploded and the impact had reached me. My lap top was shattered and I was thrown against the hot ground. It all happened so fast. Gunshots started to be fired, at least I think because the bomb had deafen my ears a bit.

It all sounded like I was underwater. I knew we were under attack, so my instincts kicked in and endorphins to ignore the pain going through me. I got up and searched for my gun.

I felt blood oozing down my left side of the face. I was seeing double for a couple of seconds, but it all concentrated back to normal. We were under attack.

I controlled my breathing to a normal one. I had to breathe slowly so I could concentrate as I shot the terrorists. I had my sixteen, it was locked and loaded, all fear avoided. I shot one done easily since his back was to me.

I found other soldiers that needed my medical attention. I treated it as best I could.

Then, at first it only felt like a pinch to my shoulder, but then I felt it all. I looked to my shoulder and saw the blood coming out.

More bullets came, but only one more hit me before I was able to take cover, but the second one had gotten my leg.

I fell to the ground, bleeding.

I found myself in my own blood. The damage far too much. I wasn’t much of a prayer, but now I was hoping someone was there. I didn’t want to leave this world. I had a child inside of me that needed to be born. It wasn’t fair, but no one said it was fair.

Gunshots were heard all around me. No one coming to my aid, but they were probably too busy fighting off the terrorists.

You know how some say that when you’re dying you see your whole life flash before you? It didn’t happen to me. I just kept thinking about Matt and my son, Damien.

I started to lose sense of where I was, and when I would close my eyes, I thought I was back home, back at the house with them. I could hear Damien’s laugh, I could feel Matt’s lips against my own. His hazel eyes telling me just how much he loved me.

I never meant to leave this world alone. I wanted to die beside Matt old and wrinkled.

The gunshots were drowned out by my fantasy. I was free.