Dark and Dirty Like You've Never Seen

The week passed slowly but I did what I could to keep myself busy. Frank would drop me off at Gerard’s on his way to school. I got so comfortable being there by the end of the week that I would usually make us breakfast. I think I met Gerard and Mikey’s parents one time but they were usually already at work by the time I got there. I saw Mikey occasionally and I was really starting to like him. I found it easy to open up to him about things. Gerard and I would either go get coffee or make a pot at home and sit and chat. He told me a lot about the band and let me look over some of the things they had written and let me give him my opinion. I even started helping Gerard write a song that he had already started but couldn’t finish. He hadn’t thought of a title yet, but it was on its way. I sat and enjoyed them practicing in the garage while usually helping Frank do his homework which surprisingly didn’t bother me. I actually missed having something to keep me busy. There was never a dull moment when I was with them. At the end of the day, Frank and I would head back to his house where I was also more than comfortable to be at. I had a feeling that his dad knew there was something more to me staying at his house than my parents being out of town, but he hasn’t really pushed the issue. There was also the issue of Aaron that I hadn’t pushed either. I hadn’t actually talked to Frank about what happened with him. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it just yet. I know I’m going to have to before we go back to school, I just need to find the right time …

Instead of worrying about that, I focused on all the things that were actually going right. It was strange how after only a week I felt closer to these five boys then I had felt with Lacy in years. When I would start to feel bad about not responding to her emails or texts, I would remember the day in the cafeteria when she left me to fend for myself in front of a ravenous crowd. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn’t need Lacy anymore. It was hard to think that I was throwing away a decade old relationship, but I knew that it had been over for a while. Lacy was a reminder of a lot of bad things that had happened in my life. Frank, Gerard, Ray, Bob, and Mikey: they were my light at the end of the tunnel. They were the start of something better. They made me realize that I don’t have to go through all of this alone. Even if not all of them knew about the things I had endured over the past years, they are still my remedy from reality.

The weekend rolled around and I started to gear up for heading back to school. When Frank came home from school on Friday, he stopped by Gerard’s as usually to pick me up. Gerard and I were sitting in his room; Gerard was sitting on the edge of the bed playing some video game and I was propped up on a pillow next to him, flipping through his sketch books at some comics he did.

“Gerard these are great! How long have you been drawing?”

“Technically since about middle school. I kind of did it just to escape, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“Kids were assholes. I got made fun of a lot so I started drawing. First it was pretty terrible, like the quality and the content. I would draw the kids that made fun of me and had bad shit happen to them, like get hit by lightning or something. When I started to draw normal shit I realized I actually enjoyed it. I started taking art and my teacher told me I had a talent for it. I just got teased for it more. Kids are cruel little bastards.”

“Why would they make fun of you? You’re awesome.”

Gerard had paused his game at this point and turned to look at me. I grinned at him but he just gave me a weak smile. I gave him a serious look. I could tell it was really hurting him to think back on these memories.

“Well … lots of things. For one, I was fat. That was the bulk of the teasing. They thought I was weird. I was the kid that listened to Iron Maiden and liked to sing and draw. Apparently it wasn’t the cool thing to do to get the lead role in the school musical. That’s when shit got really out of hand …”

“You were in a musical?”

“Yeah. Peter Pan. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. I thought I would find some friends that way, but no one wants to be friends with the chubby guy in green tights.” He chuckled slightly but I could hear his laugh was strained. I had closed the sketch book now and laid it aside. I sat up on my knees and just stared at him.

“I’m your friend. You’ve got me and all the guys. You’re in a kick ass band that those kids would be totally jealous of now, and when you guys get signed, you’re going to have girls coming out of the wood work to try and get a piece of you.” I scooted next to him now and bumped his arm. He finally looked up at me and smiled, throwing his arm around my shoulder.

“You’re so damn optimistic. I guess you’re right. Those assholes are in the past. I’ve got you guys now.”

“Right, and we’re bad ass! They only wish they were us.”

“Not even in their fucking dreams!”

I laughed as we both flipped off the imaginary bully’s in front of us. I turned to look at him and noticed his features had softened. He gave my shoulder a squeeze before letting his arm fall back to the bed, his hand grazing my back on the way down. I shivered a little at his touch, but brushed it off quickly.

“I wish I was as optimistic as you. Do you always see the good in everything?”

“Actually not really. I can tell you how everything will be ok, but I just wish I could take my own advice.”

“What do you mean?”

“Things are just really complicated right now. Between school and my parents and this girl I thought was my friend … my life was just taking a nose dive for a while there. Then I met Frank … I didn’t think anyone like him existed. He makes me feel like I’m actually worth something, you know? Then he introduced me to you guys, and I realized it’s not just him, but all of you. You’re all so great. I am so thankful to have you around to keep me sane.”

“Well you’re welcome. So… you must really care about Frank, huh?”

“Yeah. Yeah I really do. I’ve never met anyone like him…” I trailed off as I thought about the boy that made my heart skip a beat; the boy that was able to turn a horrible day around with a smirk. He made me feel like I actually stood a chance in what I thought was this dark, unfair world. The thought of him made my palms sweat and my heart race. I was still so scared of the fact that I was falling so fast for a boy that I only just met. I was scared and yet at the same time, I’ve never been more sure of anything else. I realized Gerard was staring at me, his face almost pained. He smiled at me and placed his hand on my knee.

“You know … Frank is so fucking lucky to have you. I know he’s my friend, but in the case that he ever hurts you, you better tell me. I’ll kick his ass for you.”

“You don’t think he’d do that, do you?” I felt my chest tighten a little. I was flattered at Gerard’s offer but I didn’t want to think about that ever happening. I wondered why he would say that about Frank. Has he done something before to other girlfriends? Gerard saw the panicked look on my face and rubbed my back reassuringly. There was that shiver again.

“Oh, no. Sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you. I’m just saying I hope he realizes what he has. You’re pretty fucking special, Angela. Don’t forget that.”

I couldn’t stop the smile that crept up on my face. I felt my throat start to tighten up a little bit. I just nodded and found myself leaning forward and embracing him in a hug. He was startled at first but finally wrapped his arms around me to return the embrace. He started to lean away from me but stopped short, his face close to mine and his arms still holding me. I looked on at him, not sure what to do. This didn’t feel right, but my heart began to race. Gerard stared at me, his eyes searching mine for something. I didn’t have much time to gauge his expression when I heard our names being called from somewhere in the house.

“Angela? Gerard? You guys in here?” Gerard quickly released me and stood up from the bed. I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. He walked over to the door and pulled it open.

“Back here, dude.” Gerard called out. He turned back to look at me, his facial expression unreadable. It seemed to be a mixture of guilt, annoyance, and pleading. Pleading me to forget what just happened. I rose from the bed, grabbing my jacket and purse along with me. I had controlled my breathing by the time Frank walked through the bedroom door.

“Were you guys here the whole time? I’ve been trying to call you. I’ve been sitting outside for like twenty minutes.

“Sorry, man. I was really into this game. I didn’t even hear my phone ring.”

“It’s cool. Angela and I just really need to get going. Thanks for letting her stay all week though. She finally gets to come back to school on Monday though, so you can go back to sleeping in.” He walked over and wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me to him. I gave him a confused look. Gerard just chuckled and scratched the back of his head.

“It’s cool. I didn’t mind the company.” His eyes flashed to mine for a split second before he turned back to Frank. I swallowed and managed to smile at him. He walked back over to his bed and sat down, picking up the controller again. “I’ll see you guys later though. You better get going.”

“Later.” Frank laced his hand with mine as he led us out of his bedroom. I glanced over my shoulder to see Gerard’s eyes boring into mine, his face still unreadable. We made our way out of the house and to Frank’s car. As he climbed in the driver’s seat and started the engine, he glanced over at me. My attention was still on the house. “Everything ok?”

I jumped at the sound of his voice and turned to look at him. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You seem weird. Are you sure?” He raised his eyebrow at me and I took a deep breath to try and calm myself. What was I so nervous about? Nothing happened. I didn’t want anything to happen anyway. Gerard’s my friend. Why couldn’t I stop him though? I was in shock, that’s why. Gerard wouldn’t do that to Frank. Or me. He said that himself. Well, sort of. I realized he was waiting for an answer. I cleared my throat.

“Nothing really. Gerard told me about growing up and stuff for him. I feel really bad. Did you know him then?” I stared at Frank with a straight face. There was a moment of silence and I was afraid he didn’t believe me, but he finally sighed and answered.

“No, but I got to see the aftermath. Gerard had a really bad drug and alcohol problem. Those kids really fucked him up. When he was at his worst was about the time we got the band together. He’s gotten a lot better, but he still has a way to go. I’m glad he’s talking to someone about it though. I’m just surprised it’s you. He doesn’t really like to tell people about it.”

I just nodded my head and turned my gaze toward the road in front of us. I thought about everything Gerard had told me and what Frank had just said. I felt a little better now. Gerard is just looking for comfort and happened to find it in me. I just need to let him know next time. I need to tell him there are boundaries and he is confusing them. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. As we took of down the road I remembered Frank saying we had somewhere to be.

“So where exactly do we need to be?”

“It’s the weekend. I stay with my mom on the weekends remember? You ready to meet her?” He turned to me and smiled hopefully. My mouth pulled up into a small smile and I nodded at him. He turned his attention back to the road and continued toward his house. I looked down at Frank’s hand on the gear shift and ran my fingers lightly over his knuckles and sighed. I definitely need some new scenery.