Dark and Dirty Like You've Never Seen

I heard beeping and mumbling. I tried to open my eyes, but it proved to be impossible. Where was I? What happened? And why can’t I see anything? I listened closely, trying to decipher who was talking. I heard at least four of five different voices. There was always more than one person talking at once so it was hard to distinguish. I caught different pieces of conversations around me, trying to put it all together.

“She’s stable…”

“…when she wakes up…”

“How long will she …”

“…be back tomorrow to…”

My head was pounding. It was just making my head ache worse to try and catch what was being said. I gave in and fell back into a surprisingly restful sleep. After what felt like a short nap, I was aware of the noises around me. The beeping continued but I didn’t hear any voices this time. I heard what sounded like folding paper next to me. I could hear scuffling along what I would guess was tiled floor. It wasn’t as close as the paper. My hearing must be on high alert due to my lack of vision. Once again, I tried my hardest to open my eyes. This time, a beam of light shot through my lids causing me to squint hard. It hurt and I let out what I thought was an audible groan. It must have been because I heard someone right next to me and someone holding my hand.

“Angela, sweetheart, can you hear me?” The voice was clear now, probably because there weren’t several of them talking. I tried again to open my eyes but the light seeping into my vision was too bright, and I groaned again. I was able to find my voice, though I didn’t recognize it at first.

“Too … b-bright.” My voice was hoarse and weak. It sounded nothing like me so much that I almost doubted that I was the one that said it at first. I heard another voice and some shuffling around the room. After a moment I saw the lights behind my eyelids dim. I tried once more to open my eyes, succeeding this time. It was slow going, but I could finally see my surroundings. I was in a room with pale green walls. This isn’t my room. I looked down slowly and saw the white sheet and the light blue gown that I was wrapped in. I saw tubes in my arms and quickly shut my eyes, feeling sick. I turned my head to the side and opened my eyes again to see a woman holding my hand. She had tears in her eyes but a smile on her face. After a moment it finally registered: this was my mother. My mom. Seeing her crying and holding my hand made my heart twist painfully. I missed her. Why? I smiled and squeezed her hand back causing her to laugh and cry at the same time. I turned my head to the other side and saw a man stalking in the doorway of the room. I stared at him for what felt like forever but couldn’t place where I knew the face. I looked back to my mom. I cleared my throat the best I could and tried to sit up but the movement almost caused me to throw up. I lay still.

“Mom?” I said just above a whisper. She leaned closer to me and smiled, pushing my hair off of my face.

“How do you feel, honey?”

“Bad … w-what happened?” I closed my eyes and attempted to find the memory of how I got here, wherever I was.

“You had an accident. You’re in the hospital. Do you know what happened?” She looked to the man in the doorway and motioned for him to come over. He stood at the end of the bed and stared at me. I racked my brain but nothing was coming to mind. The last thing I remember was … shit I don’t know. A party? I remember a lot of people. I must have been at a party. I don’t even remember how I got there or whose party it was. I gave up and shook my head slowly. At least the movement wasn’t making me as sick now. My mom looked at the man again and back to me.

“You fell and hit your head. You’ve been asleep for about four days now… do you remember now?” She looked worried. I tried to take in what she had said but I don’t remember any of it. I turned my attention back to the guy at the end of my bed and stared at him for a while. I cocked my head to the side.

“Who … who are you?” I saw a pained look cross his face and look at my mom. My mom held back tears and cleared her throat.

“Honey … that’s your dad.”

I looked at him and tried but it wasn’t clicking. My mom saw the blank stare on my face and she looked upset. Just then I heard the door click open and a man in a white jacket walked in. He saw me awake and smiled at us.

“Welcome back, Angela. You gave everyone a scare for a little bit there. How are you feeling?”

Before I had a chance to answer or ask anything, my mom jumped up from my side and walked over to him, grabbing the arm of his jacket.

“Something’s wrong, Dr. Hart. She … she doesn’t remember … things.” She pulled him a little off to the side and explained to him what was happening, like I wasn’t aware. I looked back at the guy at the end of my bed. My dad? I mean, I guess I know I have a dad but why didn’t he look familiar to me? The doctor sighed and walked away from my mom and pulled the clipboard from my bed.

“I was afraid of that. Well, it appears you have a case of amnesia, Angela.” My mom and I both stared at him, wanting an explanation. “It just means that you will have trouble remembering some things. Like classes, the year, …”

“People?” I said, hurt. I didn’t want to forget anyone. It was scary to think that some people who might have meant something to me don’t even exist to me anymore. Like I had never met them in the first place. I looked at the guy … er, my dad and I felt a pang in my heart. I wanted to remember but it was hard. I couldn’t place a single memory with him. I looked back to the doctor and he saw the panic on my face.

“Don’t worry. I doubt this is permanent. In very serious cases, it is possible but I don’t doubt that yours is just temporary. Until you start remembering, just take things slow. Don’t force it, it will come in time. Let’s just see what we’re dealing with now, ok?”

He took me through a series of questions, jotting things down on his clipboard. After a minute he looked over what he had written down and gave my parents and me the verdict.

“Alright, you know the year, your name, and the president. It seems, though, that you have forgotten some things that would otherwise be fairly close to you like your school and where you live. This is actually not that uncommon to forget the things that you are around constantly, so don’t be alarmed. Like I said before, it will come back in time so don’t force it. Your parents are here to help you along the way until you are back to normal, ok?” He continued on to tell me about the condition I was in. I had suffered a concussion and needed to take things slow for a while which meant I would be doing my school work from home. He went over some other stipulations before finally hanging the clipboard back on end of my bed. “Alright, well I’ll leave you guys to talk and figure things out, and it appears you have some friends outside. Would you like them to come in or do you want me to send them away?” Everyone’s attention turned toward me.

After a moment I nodded and decided I wanted to see who came to see me. The doctor smiled and propped the door open on his way out. After he walked out, a group of five boys walked in after him. I looked between all of them, their faces a mixture of concern and smiles. I started to panic. I couldn’t place them. I looked at the tall guy with poufy hair and fought hard to remember. I looked over the blonde haired guy with his lip pierced. Then the lanky boy with glasses, the guy with shaggy black hair and the boy with black and red hair. I bit at my lip as I turned to my mom with a pleading look. She cleared her throat.

“Angela … these are your friends and boyfriend from school…” She turned to the five guys standing in front of me and I saw their smiles falter. The guy with shaggy black hair spoke up first.

“What’s wrong with her?” He was concerned for me. It made my stomach hurt knowing that these guys care about me enough to be here and I didn’t know who they were. Wasn’t I friends with any girls? I thought to myself. My mom gave them a sad smile.

“Boys, Angela has amnesia. She’s having a hard time remembering things. You can try and talk to her, but don’t over whelm her. The doctor said it will come back in time so don’t be alarmed if she has some trouble.” She talked about me like I wasn’t sitting there. I looked back at them to see all their sad expressions. I focused on them one at a time, desperately trying to remember. My mom stood up from her seat next to me and offered it to one of them. She grabbed my dad’s hand and walked out into the hall. “I’ll give you guys a minute. Just let us know when you’re done.”

I was now left alone with five strange men. Not strange, I guess. There was something deep inside of me that felt a pain for them, wanting to know who they were to me. My mom said I knew them from school, so I started there.

“So … we all go to school together?”

Everyone was hesitant but the guy with poufy hair spoke up.

“Well … not all of us. You and Frank … er, him,” He pointed to the boy with black and red hair to my left, taking the seat where my mom had been, “you go to school together.”

I looked at Frank next to me. His facial expression was so hard to read. His mouth was set in a hard straight line. I felt something in me click and I shot my attention back to the poufy haired guy. I saw a flash of him sitting on a couch, playing guitar. He introduced himself.

“Ray?” I said slowly. He smiled and nodded his head. I saw everyone’s facial expressions pick up. I looked to the blonde guy next to him. “Um, you live in Chicago?” I couldn’t place his name but he nodded.

“Bob, yeah.” He smiled shyly at me. I looked at the lanky boy with glasses. I couldn’t place him and I frowned. I saw him frown a little as well but gave me a sad smile.

“Do you remember me at all?” He asked in a quiet voice. I felt horrible.

“I … I don’t know. I’m sorry.” I was praying he wasn’t my boyfriend, but he didn’t seem horribly crushed so that was a good sign, in a way.

“It’s ok, you will.” He said trying to sound optimistic. I turned to the guy on my right. He had shaggy hair and golden eyes. I lingered on him longer than the others. I could feel it. Something in me was urging me to remember. I closed my eyes and breathed out slowly. I saw a flash of a dank room. A basement? I was looking at a sketch book. I gasped and shot my eyes open. I looked him up and down. I remember staying with him. Was he my boyfriend? I couldn’t place his name.

“I remember you …” I breathed out. I saw him smile and it looked like tears were touching his eyes.

“Gerard.” He said. I looked at him. It didn’t register right away but the name suit him. I smiled and turned to the boy next to me. His face still hadn’t changed. His lip ring was glinting under the dimmed light in my room and I stared at him. Over and over I scanned his face. I tried closing my eyes again. I had flashes of hanging out with the guys but there seemed to be a blank spots in the images. I closed my eyes tighter and fought. He’s in here. I know he is. More images flashed through my head and I sighed, slowly opening my eyes to look at him, softer this time. I felt my hand stretch out on the bed and grab his. He looked down at our hands and a smile played on his lips, finally. I squeezed it and felt him respond, gently squeeze back. He bit at his lip ring and looked back up to me. He looked so relieved.

“Angela…” He said with a sigh, gripping my hand with both of his now. I bit at the inside of my cheek and tried my best not to cry.

“I’m sorry… I just don’t remember you.”