Dark and Dirty Like You've Never Seen

I spent another day or two in the hospital before they finally sent me home. I feel like if I have any chance of remembering anything, I needed to get back to my normal routine and let it trickle back. I drove back home with both of my parents. I still didn’t have any memories of my dad and it made me feel bad. He hadn’t spoken more than three words to me since I woke up two days ago. I felt horrible but I hope coming home will help me to remember. As we pulled up to the house I looked around the two story blue house and sighed, not surprised that it didn’t look familiar either. I stepped out of the car and made my way slowly up to the house. I saw my mom and dad watching me constantly and it made me a nervous wreck. I know they were just making sure I was ok but it wasn’t helping as much as they thought it was. I stepped through the front door and walked into the living room, looking around. I saw pictures hanging on the walls and walked over to them, scanning them. I saw one of the three of us. We were smiling but somewhere in me, I didn’t believe it was authentic. I turned back around to see they were still watching me. I swallowed and shoved my hands in my pockets. I came home in the clothes that I was wearing the night of the accident. I don’t remember owning a Misfit t-shirt? I bit at my lip and cleared my throat.

“Um … my room is…”

“Upstairs.” My dad said, surprising me.

“Oh, thanks…” I walked slowly past them and started to make my way up the stairs. I got to the top and looked at the door hanging open and saw some posters hanging on the wall. That must be mine. I walked over to it and pushed it open the rest of the way. I looked around at the desk against the wall and the bed with a grey and yellow bed spread. I walked over and picked up a jacket off of the floor. It was black with what looked like patches of various bands on the sleeves that were hand sewn on. I lifted it to my face and inhaled. It smelled of faint cologne. This must be … well, my boyfriends I guess. I still never established who that was. The day the five boys came to see me, I desperately tried to remember who they were, but they left not to long after they got there due to visiting hours. I talked to them a little more about the band they mentioned and didn’t get much farther than that. I closed my eyes and inhaled once more and waited for the magical “A-ha!” moment but it never came. It did smell amazing though. Cologne and stale cigarettes.

I laid the jacket on my bed along with my bag that I had with me and walked over to my desk. I opened one of the drawers and saw some random papers and a notebook of some sort. It might have been a diary. For some reason I felt bad going through my own stuff only because I didn’t remember it. It felt like I was snooping through someone else’s things. I shut the drawer, deciding to go through it later. I walked over to the closet and pulled it open only to see that it was empty. I cocked my head to the side in confusion. I turned to my dresser and pulled open the drawers to find just a few pieces of clothing. Where was all of my stuff? I jumped when I heard a voice come from my doorway.

“You took it with you.”

I gasped and turned to see my dad standing in the doorway. He had his arms crossed, his face unreadable. I registered what he said and shook my head.

“Took it where?”

“That boyfriend of yours. It’s all at his house.”

“Why?” I asked, a little nervous. Why did I feel this anxiety around him?

“Well I was hoping you would tell me. I came home and saw that you had snuck in while I was at work and took most of your stuff.”

“Why would I do that…” I was baffled as I walked over to my bed and sat down slowly, looking around the room once more. How long had I not been living here? My dad walked into my room from the door way and I started to instinctively tense up. He came over to my bed and sat down next to me slowly. He looked at his hands in his lap before looking at me. He seemed sad.

“You don’t remember any of it, do you?”

“No, I guess not.” I shrugged my shoulders. Maybe it was best that some things were left in the dark, but from the look on my dad’s face, he remembers, he’s just not telling me.

“Angela, your boyfriend and I … we got in an argument.” He reached over and grabbed my wrist, turning my hand over in his, inspecting it. I looked at him and felt like a bolt of lightning hit me. When I registered his hand gripping my wrist, I ripped it out of his hand and stood up from the bed. He stared at me, unmoving. I closed my eyes and had flashes come back to me. My dad and me … he hit me. A lot. He was abusive. I took in a shaky breath and opened my eyes, feeling tears stinging them.

“Wait …”

He looked at his hands and sighed, wringing them together.

“I guess you do remember.” He said slowly.

“No.” I cleared my throat and crossed my arms over my chest in a protective motion. “No, I don’t remember that day but I remember you. You … why?” I was at a loss for words as I hugged myself tighter. He looked up at me and I felt more confused than anything. This man in front of me looked upset, maybe guilty. From what I remember, he wasn’t like that. Ever. He stood up from the bed and I took a step back. He shoved his hands in his pockets and sighed.

“Angela … I’ve changed. You’ve got to believe me. I don’t know what you remember but I want you to know that I haven’t had a drink in over a month. That day at the hospital--”

“The hospital. This was recently?”

“No, this was a while back. You broke your hand at school.”

I loosened my grip on myself to look at my hands. I couldn’t even tell. I looked back up at him, hurt, angry, but mostly confused.

“Angela, I did something that day that I wasn’t proud of, among a lot of other things, but I swear to you, I’ve changed. I was actually hoping you would just forget about me all together so maybe we could start over fresh, but I guess I knew it would just take time before you remembered. Look, I’m still new to this too considering I haven’t seen you in almost two months, but please, can we try to start over? Please …” He looked genuinely sorry. I wasn’t sure what to do. I swallowed hard and looked down to the floor.

“I’ll try, but I can’t promise anything. I’m going to need some time to … figure things out.” I slowly looked up at him. Though he seemed to be shrinking under my gaze, he looked hopeful. He finally smiled at me. I felt something in me pull with pain. Even though I didn’t remember much, something told me I don’t think I would remember him smiling at all. He nodded and without a word, exited my room and went back stairs. I walked back over to my bed and sat down and took a few deep breaths. I was hoping when I started to remember everything else it wouldn’t be as shocking. I looked at my bag that I had sat down on the bed when I walked in. I grabbed it and started going through the contents before I pulled out my phone. I pressed the home button and was thankful to find that I didn’t have a pass code on it. I scanned through my contacts, frustrated that I couldn’t remember who most of the people were. That’s when I came across Gerard’s name. I sighed before hitting the call button and putting the phone slowly to my ear. He seemed to be the only one that I had vivid memories of and was hoping he could help me figure out where my stuff was. I felt my heart start to race. I realized that there was a good chance that Gerard was my boyfriend and it made me nervous to talk to him. I wasn’t sure why. If we had been dating for a while he should understand. After a few rings I heard him pick up and I held my breath.

“Angela?” His voice rang from the other side, a hint of confusion in it. I cleared my throat.

“Uh… yeah, it’s me.”

“Wow … Angela, what … How are you? Are you ok?” I could almost hear him smile through the phone causing a smile to creep up on my face.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just … I needed to call someone and you’re the only one I … well you’re the only one I really …” I didn’t want to say remember. It still made me feel horrible.

“No, it’s cool. I understand. Well I’m glad you called. Is everything ok?”

“I’m fine it’s just … my stuffs not at my house. I was hoping you knew where it was?”

“Oh, um, yeah. Did you want to come get it or have it brought to you?”

“Well, I can’t drive but I hate to ask you to--”

“Don’t worry about it Ang. We’ll take care of you. Should we bring it today?”

“Yeah, that’d be great.” I felt my cheeks heat up when he called me by a nickname. It was looking more and more promising that he might be the one, but I was still too embarrassed to ask him out right. I told myself that I should probably ask him when he brought my stuff over, just to get it over with.

“Alright, well I guess I’ll see you here soon?”

“Yes. Thank you, Gerard.”

“You’re welcome.”

I took the phone away from my ear and slowly hit end. That’s when I realized I had a grin plastered on my face. I shook my head and told myself that I better get a good hold on that once he gets here. It’s not like I’m asking him out, I’m just asking if we’re going out. I took a deep breath as I rose from my bed and made my way down stairs to talk to my parents and maybe figure out some other things that I’m having trouble remembering.

[Frank’s POV]

I lay sprawled across the bed, feeling myself slipping into most likely more restless sleep. I hadn’t been sleeping well at all for the past few days. That night at the party has haunted me every day. Every time I close my eyes, I see it playing over and over again. If it wasn’t the party that was bothering me, it was the day at the hospital when she woke up. When she looked me straight in the eyes and told me she didn’t remember me. The look on her face told me that she was being honest. She had forgotten about me. But she remembered Gerard. I had never felt more anger toward Gerard. It was even worse than the night of the party. It was to the point that I didn’t even bother confronting him. The last thing I said before leaving the hospital was “Congratulations, you win again”. I haven’t talked to him since that day. I actually haven’t talked to any of the guys.

I know her parents said she would start remembering things eventually but once she remembers that night, she’s never going to talk to me again. I’ve spent the past week trying to come to terms with this. I’ve tried everything I can to forget about her. I’ve done shit this past week that I will never be able to forgive myself for. I’m finally starting to realize that I’ll never change. Maybe Miranda was right. Maybe I’ve always been the same asshole who got better at hiding it. I sat up and ran my hands through my messy hair. I looked across the room at the pile of Angela’s things. I had gathered it all together, waiting to take it to her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was startled when I heard my phone ringing on the bedside table. I picked it up and saw Gerard’s name flashing on the screen. I gritted my teeth and answered slowly.

“What. Do you. Want?”

“Look, it’s about Angela--”

“What? Calling to gloat?” I asked, feeling the anger boiling in me.

“Frank, will you fucking quit for two seconds? No, I’m not calling to gloat. I’m calling about Angela’s things. She wants them back.”

I looked across the room again at her things. The only things that tied me to her. Once they were gone, it was a good chance that this was it. I felt my chest twist in pain at the thought of it.

“You still there?” Gerard’s voice came from the other side. I shook my head and placed my free hand over my eyes and took a deep breath.

“Yeah, I’m here. You can come get it.”

“Well, I was calling to see if you wanted to take it to her. Explain what’s going on.”

I bit at my lip ring as I considered his decision. I heard my phone beep signaling, another incoming call. I pulled it away from my face and saw Miranda’s name on the screen. I felt the bubble of anger in me grow again as I brought the phone back to my face.

“No. Come get it yourself.” With that, I hung up on him, switching over to Miranada.