Dark and Dirty Like You've Never Seen

[Angela’s POV]

I sat patiently in my room, going through all the stuff and reorganizing it as I waited for Gerard to bring me my things. What else did I have to do right now? Besides the homework. I wasn’t feeling up to doing any math problems or learn about the Bubonic Plague. The teachers gave me enough time in case I needed to go back over stuff due to my lack of memory. I was more interested in finding out what was going on in my personal life. My parents weren’t able to tell me too much beyond me growing up and what that was like. Anything present day they couldn’t really fill me in on. We had grown apart over time, which wasn’t surprising considering the realization I had about my dad earlier. I was still confused on that situation. I needed to clear my head and take one thing at a time.

I was sitting at my desk, clearing out the drawers and looking over everything. I couldn’t remember writing any of this stuff. There were notes that I assume I had written in class. A lot of them were from a girl named Lacy. Great, another friend I don’t remember. There were some other folded pieces of papers, but a lot of them had drawings on them and quite a few had short little stories and poems written on them. I didn’t mean to brag, but I thought they were pretty good. I found a folder to put all of them in. I finally came to the drawer that held the notebook I saw earlier. It was your basic black and white composition. I had drawn all over the front of it. Band logos and other little things. I flipped it open and saw that it was full of more poems, stories, and drawings. Some were really good. Others seem like I wrote them hastily, in the heat of the moment I’m sure. Some of them were too painful to read, obviously talking about my home life.

Toward the end, there were doodles of piercing eyes and other poems. These were different. They were gentler than the others; they were love poems. The first few had this longing feeling, a feeling of want. As they progressed, they seemed more infatuated with this person. There were a handful of times I had even used the word love. I felt my palms start to sweat and feel clammy. I looked back at the pair of eyes I had drawn. Inside I almost felt myself falling in love again with every poem. How could I have cared about someone so deeply and just like that, forget them? Something made me forget him. I ran my hands through my hair and closed my eyes.

“Come on Angela. Think…” I leaned back in the desk chair and racked my brain. I rocked back and forth on the back two legs as I forced myself to bring up any memory at all. If I could remember who he was, if it was Gerard, I could make this a whole lot easier. I heard someone clear their throat and I let out a small yelp as I felt the chair go tumbling back. I tried to grab on to the desk but just pulled the notebook off and onto the floor with me. I instinctively brought my hands up and covered my head but felt someone stop the chair mid fall. I didn’t open my eyes until I felt the chair sitting on all four legs. As I pealed my hands away from my face I saw Gerard towering over me. He smiled softly as he pulled the chair out from the desk and crouched in front of me.

“Come on. We can’t have you falling again.” His hands were resting on my legs. I gave him a shy smile as I pushed the hair out of my face. I could tell my skin was flushed.

“How long were you standing there?”

“Just a few seconds. Your mom let me in. I brought all your stuff up for you.” He motioned to the door way and I saw a large trash bag and a back pack sitting there. “It’s all folded, don’t worry.”

“Thanks. I could have helped you though.” I tilted my head to the side and couldn’t stop the ridiculous smile that lulled on my face.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Do you know how much stuff you have?” He asked and started to laugh but quickly cut it off, looking embarrassed. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean … I wasn’t trying to offend you.”

“Oh … I didn’t even realize that you said that.” I started to chuckle. “It’s actually kind of funny … in a sick way, I suppose.”

It took a second but he finally grinned back, some of the color coming back to his face. He flicked some hair out of his face as he laughed along with me.

“Well I’m glad you still have your sense of humor.” He smiled at me, still crouched in between my legs. I let myself focus too long on his hands lightly rubbing my thighs, and the way I could just start to see his teeth through his lopsided smirk and I began to shiver at his touch. He must have noticed and quickly took pulled his hands away, clearing his throat. “Oh, here. You dropped this.” He leaned over and picked up my notebook and handed it to me. He started to close it but something caught my eye.

“Wait.” I quickly shot my hand out and stopped the pages from folding over. I flipped it open and saw what at first looked like another poem. There wasn’t a title to it, but there were bullets drawn along the side of the page along with what looked like a silhouette of a man that had hung himself. It was morbid at first but I felt something trigger in me. I scanned the pages as it came back to me. I was in that basement again. I remember now.

<i>I was in Gerard’s room. His room is in the basement. I sat on the edge of his bed, flipping through one of his sketch books. I shook my head slowly in amazement.

“Gerard, these are incredible. How long have you been drawing?”

“Eh, I guess since middle school. Kids were assholes about it, though, and I got made fun of a lot. I usually draw to relieve stress. I couldn’t do it at school for fear of some dipshit kid beating me up for it. Apparently it’s not the ‘manly’ thing to do to sit around and draw all day.” He had put down the controller of the game he was playing and sitting cross legged in front of me while I continued to look. I flipped to another page and saw a drawing of the silhouette of a man hanging. I next to it was written, “All We Are Is Bullets, I Mean This”. I looked up from the picture at him. He looked a little embarrassed.

“What’s this?” I asked hesitantly.

“Oh, that? It’s uh … nothing. Sorry if it’s to gruesome or whatever--”

“No, it’s not that. It’s … beautiful.”

“What?” I saw the look of confusion on his face. I started to smile as I pushed the sketchbook toward him.

“This drawing. This line. Gerard, you told me what it was like growing up for you, and I wish I could go back in time and just … kick all those kid’s asses.” I smiled and I saw a hint of a smirk creeping up on his face. “You had a lot of ways you could have dealt with your emotions. Your anger and hurt toward these kids, and instead of doing something drastic, you turned it into art. This picture … this could have been you Gerard. Don’t tell me you never thought about it. I’ve been there, too. I know what this feels like.” I pointed at the picture. He looked down at it, his expression hard to read. I reached forward and took one of his hands in mine causing him to look at me. “You made it into something beautiful, though. I couldn’t imagine what I’d be doing right now if I didn’t have you here. What about this line you wrote? Is it a lyric?”

“Yeah, kind of. I mean … I don’t have a song for it.”

“So we’ll write one.” I gripped his hand tighter and pushed the sketchbook toward him. He looked at the sketchbook then up to me. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but I saw his eyes were glossy. He smiled and leaned forward on the bed, tugging me into his arms. I squeezed back and we just sat there for a minute, not saying anything. I finally felt him relax and heard him sigh behind. He leaned away from me, holding me just in front of him. I had never seen him look more sincere.

“Thank you.”</i>

I was blindly scanning the page of my notebook when I realized Gerard had stood up and had his hands on my shoulders, lightly shaking me. He looked worried.

“Angela! Are you ok?” He was scanning my face for some sign of recognition. I realized I probably just scared the shit out of him. He probably thinks I just relapsed or blacked out or something. I looked at him and I felt my eyes start to brim with tears. He looked on at me for some sort of verbal response, the worried look just growing when he saw me start to cry.

“Gerard…” I breathed his name out as I handed him the notebook.

“What?” He shook his head and looked down at the page. His face softened when he saw the words sprawled along the lined paper. I watched as he read it from beginning to end before looking back up to me. “Where did you get this?”

“In my desk drawer. I had written it down before …” I swallowed hard, not able to finish my sentence.

“You wrote it all down. You even drew my picture…” He said in awe, looking at me with a pleasantly shocked expression. That’s when I saw the realization hit him. “Wait … so, you remember this?” He cocked his head to the side. I shook my head yes as I fought the relieved tears that were pooling in my eyes.

“This is our song?”

“Well, I mean, yeah. We wrote it together. Yeah … I guess it is.” His face softened as he sat the notebook on the desk and stood straight up and offered me his hand. I took it slowly, feeling my heart start to beat a hundred miles a minute. Once I was standing in front of him he pulled me into an embrace, wrapping his arms tightly around me. I let out a shaky sigh mixed with laughter as I held him as close to me as possible.

“I can’t believe it. You’re starting to remember.” He sighed as he rubbed his hand along my back. Where his hand was rubbing up and down my spine left a tingling sensation that shot through my whole body. Before I could stop myself, I pulled away from him and stared into his piercing golden eyes. That stare. It was like the one in my notebook. I bit at my lip to stop the stupid grin that was threatening to take over my whole face.

“I knew it was you.” With that, I leaned forward and let my lips collide into his. For a brief moment, I felt him tense under me with no response. I started to panic when I finally felt his hands curl around my waist and his lips finally answered my pleading ones.