Dark and Dirty Like You've Never Seen

I clung to Gerard, indulged in the feeling of his lips pressed to mine, both of us greedy. I was thankful for the strong grip he had around my waist, otherwise I would be a heap on the floor as I felt my shaky legs giving out under me. I let my arms slide up around his neck as I pulled him down closer to me. I felt his hands move up from my waist to the sides of my face. I reveled in his touch as it sent shivers down my spine. All of this felt new. I know I couldn’t recall any intimate moments with Gerard, but if this is what it felt like with him before, then I must be one lucky girl. I felt his fingers, trace the corners of my lips as he pressed hard against my lips before pulling away from me. I took a deep breath, still shaking from the intensity of the moment. I saw the pained look on Gerard’s face and I cocked my head to the side in confusion.

“What’s wrong?" I asked breathless.

He didn’t answer me right away. He just looked at the floor between our legs and shook his head.

“Gerard, what is it?” I let my hands slide from around his neck and down to his chest where I let my hands rest. I leaned forward to kiss his neck but he pulled away from me, holding me at arm’s length. I felt my cheeks start to heat up with embarrassment. What did I do? “Look, I may not remember much, but I remember you. It will come back to me, Gerard.”

“Angela, stop.” He dropped his hands and shoved them in his pants pockets. I crossed my arms over my chest defensively. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as the silence took over the room. I didn’t feel brave enough to ask him what had just happened so I just stood awkwardly as I waited for him to explain. After a moment, he ran his hands through his hair and pulled my desk chair out, offering it to me. Confused, I slowly sat down and watched as he crouched in front of me once again. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, changing what he wanted to say or how he was going to say it. I was starting to panic.

“Gerard … what is going on?” I finally asked him, getting fed up with this. I’m already embarrassed the way it is, the least he could do is explain. He finally looked me in the eye and sighed. He placed his hands on my thighs and gently moved his fingers in a circular motion, throwing off my concentration. I had to physically place my hand over his to stop what I was assume was his comforting gesture.

“Angela…” He cleared his throat about two or three times. “I’m … I’m not your boyfriend.”

“Wait … what?” I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.

"I'm sorry, this is all wrong." He closed his eyes and shook his head as he looked to the floor. i was dumbfounded.

"But you brought my stuff over. Why do I remember you? What about our song, the time in your basement? Why do I only remember things like that with you? What, did you break up with me? Did I break up with you?” I felt my anger boiling inside of me.

“Angela, listen to me. That’s not it. You and I were friends. We always were. The times in the basement that you remember were just what you remember, nothing else.”

“That doesn’t make any fucking sense, Gerard!” I stood up from the chair and began pacing the room. He watched me from where I left him, now standing. “I care about you. I can feel it.” I said as I stopped to look at him, pointing at my chest. “You care about me, too. I know you do. I could feel it in that memory. I feel it now!” I walked over to him, poking my finger hard into his chest now. He grabbed my hand, and brought it down to my side.

“I do care about you. I always have. And whatever you’re feeling isn’t what you think it is. You were one of my best friends. Nothing else.”

“Then why are you so upset, Gerard? There is obviously something else going on here. If it’s not you then who is it? Why can’t I remember my own fucking boyfriend?”

“It’s Frank.” He said bluntly. I gave him the most ‘what the fuck’ look I could muster.

“Frank? Frank’s my boyfriend? I can’t even remember him."

“There’s a reason. Look, I would give anything to take that night at the party back. I hope you never remember it, and as much as I care about you, I can’t bring myself to hurt Frank like this, no matter how much he deserves it. Angela, something happened that night. You found something out about Frank that caused this whole mess, but I can’t tell you.”

“Why the fuck not?” I had sat down on the bed at this point. I realized i was acting a bit childish mow but I was having a hard time believing him. I don’t have a single memory of Frank except the day in the hospital. If he was my boyfriend, why didn’t he just tell me? What did he do that was so bad that he didn’t want me to know we were dating?

“It’s not my place. You need to talk to him yourself. I might have to talk to him first, though. He barely answers my calls and I’m not sure if he’ll answer yours.”

I shook my head, trying to process everything. I let my head fall in my hands, letting out a long sigh. I needed to deal with this situation one part at a time. I looked up slowly from my hands at Gerard who as still standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. He looked defeated. I didn’t understand it. I felt close to him. He’s actually the only one I felt close to out of all the guys. I found him physically attractive, which was a plus. I remembered the day in his basement. Even as a third party in the situation (sort of) I could see and feel the connection. It was palpable and even now, as mad as I was about everything, I felt it looking at him. How could he sit here and tell me that we don’t have anything. At the same time, I felt horrible. Something in me knew this was wrong. Gerard said Frank is my boyfriend, as in still together. So did I just cheat on him? I can’t even remember him. Yes, Frank was also insanely attractive. Other than that, that’s the only thing I could tell you about him. He didn’t say anything to me in the hospital. He actually seemed relieved to get out of the room which kind of hurt my feelings. Which part of this should I address first?

“Gerard.” I pat the spot next to me on the bed. He hesitated before walking over to me and sitting down slowly. I was wringing my hands together, not sure where to start. I figured the basics would be nice. “So … I’m dating Frank?” I asked my tone softer now. He didn’t verbally respond, just nodded his head. “You and Frank are friends?” He nodded once again. “Along with the other guys, and you’re all in a band together?”

“Yes, and Mikey’s my younger brother.”

“Oh…” I felt a twinge of guilt that I was able to remember Gerard but not Mikey. “But I just kissed you.”

“Yeah.”

“Have … have we ever…” I wasn’t sure how to ask this. Was I notorious for cheating like this?

“Kissed? No, that’s the first time.”

“You kissed me back.”

“Yes."

“Why?”

He rubbed his temples, sighing, his face a slight shade of pink. “I care about you Angela. I told you that, but I know how much you love Frank. I can’t do that to you guys.”

“I love him?” I felt horrible for making him tell me all of this, but I think he realizes he should probably just tell me the truth now, no matter how much it hurts.

“Yeah… a lot.”

“Gerard, I’m sorry I’m making you tell me this. I just … I’m trying to understand.”

“You and me both.” He looked at me with a small smile, but I could see the sadness in his eyes. I think I was done asking about the basics now. Time to move on to more pressing matters.

"Ok so, what about the party?"

"Oh jeez, what about it?" He said with another sigh.

"Um, I guess why was there in the first place? Where was I?"

"It was my party. You came with Frank to my house."

"Ok so how did I get from the party to the hospital?"

"Angela, it's complicated. I don't think-- "

"Gerard, you need to tell me what happened. I need to know."

He looked from his hands to me and let out a huff of breath as he leaned back on his elbows on the bed. "Frank and I got in a fight. You jumped in the middle to stop us and got knocked over. You hit your head on the concrete and blacked out."

"A fight? ... Over me?"

"Sort of. There's really nothing more I can say until you talk to Frank."

I huffed and joined Gerard, falling back on the bed. I scanned my ceiling in silence, trying to figure things out. Even though he told me what happened, nothing was coming back about that night. There was one other tho g I wanted to ask him, though.

"So can you tell me who Vee is?"

"You remember that?" He turned to look at me, confusion and concern mixed on his face.

"Well, not exactly. I thought I just dreamed about her but by the sounds of it she's a real person?"

"Yeah... but you've never met her."

"Then who is she?"

"Oh hell..." He groaned as he fell of his elbows onto his back staring up at the ceiling. "Vanessa. She was my girlfriend a long time ago until I thought she cheated on me with Frank."

"Oh... did she?" I asked concerned. Even though it would be a past discretion before I even knew Frank, I didn't want to think he was a cheater.

"Up until the night of the party I thought she did, but Frank said he couldn't do it. That didn't stop her from going to him..."

I looked over and saw the anger on his face as he thought about her. I slowly reached my hand out and grabbed his, squeezing it gently. He jumped a little and turned to me, his face softening.

"I was in love with her, Ang. I would have died for her and she didn't give two shits about me."

I sat in silence, unsure of what to say or how to comfort him. After a moment he continued, turning his face back to the ceiling.

"She looked like you. A lot, actually. Same eyes. Same dark, brown hair. Same smile. I freaked out because you reminded me of her so much... but I let my feelings get in the way and fucked everything up." He had let go of my hand at this point. I frowned, turning on my side to look at him.

"What did you screw up, Gerard? We're still friends right? I don't blame you for what happened..."

"Yeah, but Frank will probably never want to talk to me again. Not civilly, anyway. I told him how I felt and that kind of led to the fight along with some other shit. It was just matter of time."

"So where is she now? Vee?"

There was a long pause before he answered.

"She died that summer after we broke up. I couldn't trust her anymore and had to end it. She lost it. After everything she put me through, I was the bad guy for ending it. She left my house and headed out of town. That was the last time I saw here. I got a call a few hours later from her parents... Frank and I forgot about any past disgressions we might of had and decided it was time to move forward."

It took a moment for me to find the right words.

"I'm sorry what happened to you... and Frank. I can't imagine the pain ..." I looked at Gerard and felt tears stinging my eyes and quickly put my gaze back to the ceiling. I honestly didn't want to think what it would be like if I lost Gerard like that. He sighed and turned on his side to face me now.

"We'll I'm doing fine now. I've been with people since her, just never committed. Then you came along... it just hurt you know? And of course you would go for Frank. I can't blame you. I try not to be resentful, and I'm getting better at it..." He sort of trailed off, not sure where to take the conversation. I gently smiled at him.

"Gerard, I don't remember how I got to this point in my life. I don't remember meeting Frank and I don't remember meeting you or any of the guys, but what I do remember and how I feel right now, I can tell you that I care about you. And if a "complete stranger" like me cares as much as I do, I know that there will be a girl for you that is crazy about you. Wants to spend every minute with you, even if its just sitting here in silence..." I stopped and stared on at him. I know he said I was with Frank but laying here with him was making it hard to believe. He sighed and sat up on the bed once more, me following suit. He tried his best to smile at me but it didn't meet his eyes.

"Angela... I know how you feel right now, and I know how I feel right now, but trust me... you need to talk to Frank. We can sort all of this out later, but I should probably get going." He stood up from the bed and stretched. I rose from the bed as well and walked him to the front door, not know what to say. We made it downstairs and he stopped in front if the door to turn and look at me. After a moment he held out his arms and took me in his tight, warm embrace that made my heart ache. He pulled away and looked down at me, smiling. "I know how much you loved Frank before the accident. Trust me when I say you need to talk to him."

I forced myself to nod my head, not able to respond verbally. He dropped his arms and finally turned to walk out the door. He jumped when he saw someone on the other side getting ready to knock. He looked from the person to me, letting me are who it was.

"Angela? Do you remember me?" A pretty blonde haired girl stood in front of me looking concerned. My mind flashes to the pictures I found in my desk drawer.

"Lacy?"

"Oh thank God!" She looked so relieved. She looked to Gerard then back to me. "Is this a bad time?"

"I'll call you later." Gerard said over his shoulder before walking out the door. I smiled weakly at him and nodded.

"No, it's fine. Do you kind if we go somewhere to talk though. I'm tired of sitting here."

"That's fine. I can drive."

"Alright let me go grab my jacket." I ran back up stairs grabbing the black jacket I had throw on my bed. It was warm from where Gerard had been laying on it. I pressed it to my nose and inhaled once more. I could still smell the stale cigarettes and cologne mixed with Gerard's fresh scent. I frowned when I realized it wasn't the same. I made my way back downstairs to Lacy, my head in a whirl.