Dark and Dirty Like You've Never Seen

Lacy and I had made our way to the local coffee shop. We stood in awkward silence, waiting for our drinks to be called. She insisted on paying for mine. Once our drinks were in hand, we took a seat in the leather chairs in the corner. She was hesitant to talk to me and I wasn't really sure what to say either. She finally broke the silence though she still seemed unsure of herself.

"Are you ok?"

"Um, yeah I guess so. Just having trouble remembering some stuff."

"So you remember me?" She perked up a little. I don't think I could get used to letting people down like this. I hated hurting everyone's feelings.

"We'll, not really. I was cleaning my room and found pictures of us. Your name was on some of them. I recognized you from them but I don't really have any memories. I'm sorry..."

"Oh..." She sighed. It almost sounded like relief. "Will any of it come back? Your memories, I mean." She sipped slowly from her iced latte.

"Eventually yeah. The doctors said it will come back in time. I should get most of it back." I was trying my best not to act weird around her. I'm guessing we were best friends at one point, or so the pictures in my room proclaimed. I wanted to act as normal as possible but it was hard when you were sitting down for coffee with a complete stranger. What do you even talk about? "Sorry if you stopped by the hospital at all. I guess I was out for a few days."

"No, no. It's fine. I ... well I can't lie to you. I never actually stopped by. That's what I was hoping to talk to you about but if you don't remember it's going to be a little complicated." She curled he legs up under herself as she got comfortable in the chair. I had a feeling it was either going to be a long story or another hurtful one. Probably both.

"What do you mean?" I asked. This time I was hesitant as I took sips off my hot coffee. She wasn't really looking at me most of the time and I started to tense up for another shocking story. It was frustrating having someone else tell you about your own life, especially when it only seemed to consist of drama.

"Well ... ok, so a while back you and I had an argument. We don't actually talk any more. That's why I was so nervous to come and talk to you. You don't remember it now but when you do, I'll completely understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore."

"Let me guess, more boy problems." I said, sighing. How many people do I have a problem with? First my dad, then Frank, now Lacy. I looked at her and saw she looked a little confused. "Sorry. I didn't mean to sound so shitty; I've just had a really long day."

"It's fine. What do you mean boy problems?" She seemed to lean closer to me. She must have noticed as well because she shook her head and leaned back in her chair. "God, I'm sorry. That's not what I came here for. Listen, I need to tell you now before I change my mind. I did a lot of mean things to you. Horrible things. I'm the reason you broke your hand... er, shit. Do you remember that?"

"My dad told me. You did that to me?" I asked, shifting in my seat.

"No! No, it's just I could have stopped the fight with Aaron but I left you there. I know you don't remember now, but when you do I am so sorry. I also wanted to apologize about Aaron."

"Who's Aaron?"

"Right. He's this really big asshole that I was friends with. He's the guy that broke your hand. He also did a lot of other things I knew about it, but I didn't stop him. I'm just as bad as him. But what he did to you that day at school... I know you don't remember and I just can't bring myself to tell you. I just want you to know that I had nothing to do with that. I haven't talked to him since that day. I know that you still won't want to talk to me, but I just wanted to let you know I acknowledge what I've done and I am truly sorry."

"Lacy, I don't care how bad it is. How would you feel if you had forgotten everything and all your friends knew, but wouldn't tell you? This is very frustrating for me. I just want to know. It can't get much worse than what I've already dealt with today."

"Alright. I'll tell you, but you have to understand Angela, I had no idea that he was going to do any of this. It's just really hard to explain."

"Start from the beginning." I was short with her and for good reason. I didn't tell her but the moment she mentioned leaving me alone to fight Aaron, it all came flooding back to me. The whole scene in the cafeteria. I remember the look on her face as she disappeared into the crowd.

She took a few moments before finally launching into her story. I sat in horror as she explained to me what had happened that day, what they had planned. Aaron told her to confront me at lunch and if it didn't go well, to text him and his friends were going to rough up Frank to scare me. What she didn't know was what Aaron had planned to do to me. I sat with my mouth hanging slightly open, tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. I felt so many things run through me as she slowly went over, very vaguely might I add, what Aaron had done to me. I was embarrassed, upset, but mostly angry beyond measure. Not just at him, but at her. She was right. As everything came back to me in flashes it was then I remembered how horrible of a friend she was to me. I remembered how she betrayed me. I hated her. It was very clear to me now. As she finished her rant she stared at me in silence, waiting for my reply. When I didn't answer, she leaned forward to grab my hand. I quickly stood up from my chair and glared down at her. I sniffled as I walked over to the trash can and threw my cup away. I turned around to see she was still sitting there.

“Lacy … I’m trying to make amends with everyone as I find more and more things out, but what you just told me … I will never be able to forgive you. As for Aaron, it sounds like I wasn’t a fan of him to begin with but the two of you can be friends all you want. You were right. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. I have to go.” I turned and started to leave the coffee shop, but she called after me.

“Wait! I drove you here, remember?”

I turned to look at her and before I could stop myself, I was laughing. It even surprised me. I did my best to muffle it so I could answer her.

“Remember? You know I have spent this past week trying to remember things. Part of me wishes these memories were gone for good now. Do I remember? Fuck you, Lacy. I’ll find a ride.” I was aware that I had the attention of some other customers along with baristas. I turned to look at everyone and smiled sweetly at them. “And you all have a nice day.” I gave a slight bow as I continued out the front door. I began walking in a random direction. I wasn’t sure where I was going. I zipped up Frank’s hoodie to block the brisk air. Fall was fading into winter fast. I brought the sleeve of his hoodie up to my face and inhaled. The scent was comforting even if I couldn’t remember him. Us. I felt a pain in my chest, urging myself to remember him. Anything about him. With the episode that happened between Gerard and me earlier, it was hard to picture anyone else. Gerard says I never felt that way about him. He told me that I loved Frank. Dealing with that on top of Lacy and the bomb she just dropped on me I needed to get away.

I wasn’t exactly sure where I was or where I was going, but I let my feet carry me. I could always call Gerard or my parents if I needed picked up. I passed other people on the sidewalks, everyone engrossed in their own problems and lives. I passed a homeless guy playing guitar against a building. He sounded great, but even I knew not to stop for someone in Jersey alone. I soon found myself walking through a residential area. As I passed a house, I felt my feet instinctively stop. I looked to my left and saw a white, one story house. Muscle memory told me that I knew this place but as I stared at it, nothing came to mind. I shook my head and began walking again. That’s when I heard someone call my name.

“Angela? Is that you?”

I looked over to see an older guy coming out of the side door of the white house. Common sense was telling me to run. I don’t know this guy and even though it’s a nice enough looking neighborhood, it’s still Jersey. I turned to continue walking but he yelled again.

“Angela, wait up!”

Against my moral judgments, I stopped and turned to look at him. My body recognized the house and the man knew my name, so I doubt I was in any danger. I turned to him and smiled politely.

“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. You feeling any better? Frank told me about the accident.”

“Frank … you know Frank?”

“Angela … it’s me?” He looked confused. Frank must not have told him everything.

“I’m … I’m sorry. Frank must not have told you. I’m having a hard time remembering some things. I guess I have amnesia from the fall …”

“Oh … no he didn’t tell me that. So, you don’t remember me?” He looked hurt. I sighed. Here it comes again.

“I’m really sorry. I don’t mean to offend you. I just … I don’t. The doctors said it will come back in time, though.” I hugged Frank’s hoodie tighter around me as a gust of wind blew down the street. He smiled a little and shrugged his shoulders.

“It’s ok. I’m just glad it will come back. I would hate for you to forget your other dad.”

I blinked at him for a second. Other dad? “So … you’re Frank’s dad?”

“Yeah. You lived with us for a while there. Where are you at now?” He seemed legitimately concerned.

“I’m at my parent’s house.” I saw his mouth fall into a hard straight line. If I lived with him that must mean he knew about my dad. Probably more than me right now. I cleared my throat. “I’ve talked to them about the whole situation. They’ve promised to fix things.”

After a moment he finally gave me a small smile. “Alright. But you know you’re welcome back here anytime.”

I felt myself smiling back at him. I felt a little twinge of guilt in my heart. I hate that I can’t remember him, yet he is welcoming me back into his home with open arms. After a moment, I cleared my throat, not realizing that I was seconds away from crying.

“So, where is Frank? I was actually hoping to talk to him.”

“He said he was going to his mom’s house. She called and wanted him to come over for something. Would you like a ride there?”

“Actually, could you give me a ride home? I need to talk to my parents first.”

“Alright, I’ll go grab my keys.” He turned and walked back to the house. I made my way over to the car and stood by the passenger door as I waited for his dad to come back outside. I needed to talk to Frank first. I hadn’t even tried that yet and I didn’t want to show up on his mom’s doorstep unannounced. I was hoping to talk to Frank alone and I needed to figure out how to get to him.