Dark and Dirty Like You've Never Seen

Frank’s dad and I pulled up in front of the house. I let out a sigh and turned to give him a weak smile. I felt bad and a little hurt. He had no idea what was going on and Frank had barely told him half of the situation. I actually came to finds out on the ride there that Frank hadn’t been home much. His dad was under the impression that he was staying with a friend. It couldn’t have been Gerard; he would have told me. That was just one more thing I would have to figure out when I talked to him. I was going to have to start making a check list at this point. I opened the car door and started to climb out when I felt his hand grasp my arm.

“Angela, wait…”

I turned around to look at him and I could see the concern in his eyes. It made my throat tighten a little. This man who I can’t even remember, who I lived with for a short time, cared for me. I could feel my heart break for him. I didn’t understand how much this man had done for me until this moment when I saw the look in his eyes. He let go of me and turned his gaze to the road in front of him, absentmindedly running his hand along the steering wheel.

“I know you said things are different here, and I believe you, but what you told me about your life … I just wanted you to know you are welcome to come over any time you need to. I know you don’t remember much, and I don’t want to sound weird, I just--”

I cut him off by leaning forward and hugging him. It felt strange at first, but somewhere in me I knew that I could trust him. He helped me through times that were so dark, I couldn’t even remember them. That’s when it hit me. I pulled away from him, in a rush but quickly gain composure. I cleared my throat and smiled at him.

“Thank you. I will.” With that, I pushed opened the car door and climbed out. Had forgotten how cold it was out while being in the heated car that the gust of wind caused me to shiver. I pulled my jacket tighter around me as my hair whipped around my face. I made my way back up the side walk to the front door, quickly stepping inside. I was greeted with a wave of warm air that made me sigh in relief. I kicked my shoes of next to the front door and started to slip of my jacket, but changed my mind, zipping it back up.

I took in a deep breath of the sleeve once more and it made me shiver. This time the tremor came from the inside. I thought about most of the things I had forgotten – my dad, Lacy, Aaron, even Frank, and it all made sense. I couldn’t remember them because the last memory I had was something bad. Aaron had constantly bullied me and the last time I really saw him, he had done something unspeakable. I couldn’t remember Lacy because she had ditched me in a fight and we haven’t talked since. My dad was abusive and I hadn’t even been living with them for a while. But what about Frank? Gerard wouldn’t tell me what had happened. He said I needed to ask him myself. There were other things I had forgotten but I chalked it up to I wasn’t around enough or I didn’t know them very well. I couldn’t remember Mikey but that was probably because I had only met him a handful of times, most of them in drunken stupors.

I was trying to remember Frank, anything about him, and nothing came to mind. I had never tried delving into memories that might have hurt though. I was afraid to do that because I wasn’t sure what I would find. Before I made any rash decisions, I whipped out my phone as I made my way upstairs. I began flipping through my contacts, looking for Gerard’s name. Not paying attention to where I was going, I found myself bumping into someone, sending laundry flying out of their hands. I looked up to see my mom with a startled look on her face. She must not have seen me with the mountain of clothes in her hand. I began apologizing as I bent over and began picking up the scattered clothes. She didn’t seem to upset with me. Ever since I came home, she was very careful around me, not just with what she said but with what she did. She smiled as I handed her back the clothes and began making her way back downstairs when she stopped and turned to look at me.

“Oh, Angela, Frank stopped by looking for you.”

I froze in my tracks. I turned back to her slowly, trying to hide the shocked look on my face. The last thing I need is her asking about me and Frank.

“W-when was that?” I asked in a small voice, not able to project myself.

“Not too long after you and Lacy left. How did that go by the way?”

“Fine. We’re not friends anymore. Did he say anything?” I kept it short and to the point. I couldn’t hide my curiosity and I wasn’t about to just let her leave it at that. My mom looked at me stunned.

“Why? What happened? What did Lacy do?”

“She’s a bitch, mom, and a terrible friend. Okay?” I snapped. I didn’t mean to. She went from stunned to stern in a matter of seconds, and I gulped, realizing my outburst was uncalled for and rude.

“Angela, don’t use that language around me. I just asked you a question.”

“I’m sorry…” I took a deep breath and sighed. “Look, she pretty much came over to tell me that we weren’t friends anymore. She’s shallow and I don’t care to talk to her anymore, okay?” I waited for a moment when finally my mom’s face softened.

“We’ll I’m sorry to hear that, honey. That’s all you had to say. I’m sorry she said that to you.”

“Well, she’s always been a shallow friend. I can at least remember that.”

My mom gave me a sympathetic look and I saw a smile creep up on her face. “She was kind of a bitch though.” My mom said quietly, and my eyes widened. She laughed and after a moment I joined her. She shook her head and started down the stairs again. I thought this time before I yelled after her.

“Mom…”

“Yes?” She turned to look at me.

“Did Frank say … anything?” I asked, pretty much pleaded, this time. She was back to concerned mom mode.

“Not really. He just asked if you were here then asked if he could leave a note for you. I left it on your desk, and I swear I didn’t read it. Is everything ok?”

“Yeah … I mean, I don’t know. I just needed to talk to him. Thanks though.” I didn’t let her finish as I ran up the stairs to my room. I shut the door, locking it behind me. I didn’t want to be bothered right now, and I definitely didn’t want my mom or dad barging in on me. I walked over to my desk and found a folded up piece of paper on my desk with my name written on the outside. I picked it up, slowly unfolding it. It didn’t contain much from what I could see, but I slowly read what was scrawled across the page.

Angel,

I came to drop this off to you. Sorry I couldn’t give it to you in person; I just need some more time to think things through. Gerard called me and told me that you guys had talked. He said you couldn’t remember much about me. I’m not going to lie to you, it hurts. It fucking hurts a lot. I was hoping you would have called me by now, but the time I’ve spent waiting on you has just made me more of a pathetic asshole. I don’t want to explain it to you in this letter, and I don’t know how long it’s going to take for you to remember, but I can’t wait any longer. I need to talk to you, just not yet. I’ll call you when I’m ready, but for now, just promise me you’ll wait for me? I’ll see you soon.

xofrank

I skimmed the letter a few times. From what I can tell, he didn’t want to talk to me in person in the first place. He just wanted to drop this letter off and go. I held back the scream I most desperately wanted to let out. I was frustrated. Why was he tip-toeing around me? Why can’t he just suck it up and tell me? This is a guy I’m supposed to love, and I don’t understand how. I grabbed my phone once again and flopped down on my bed. I found Gerard’s name and hit the call button. After a few short rings, he answered.

“Angela, what’s up?”

“I don’t know … I just need to talk.”

“I’m all ears.”

[Flashback Frank’s POV]

“What the fuck do you want?” I asked as I blew out a pouf of smoke, watching as it curled up to the ceiling of the bedroom. My eyelids were heavy and my mouth was dry. I heard the door crack open and looked over to see Jess walk in, balancing a big bowl of chips, salsa, a movie and two drinks. I jumped up, a little wobbly and took the drinks and movies from her hands. She giggled and plopped down on the bed. I popped the movie in and joined her, laughing along with her. I heard my name being yelled through the ear piece of my phone.

“Frank? Fucking answer me!”

“What, yeah, I’m sorry. I forgot you …” I started to laugh uncontrollably. Jess joined me though she had no idea what was going on. “Sorry, what were you saying?” I composed myself again.

“Frank, it’s about Angela. You have to talk to her.”

“About what?” I groaned as I swirled a chip around in the salsa before popping it in my mouth, crunching loudly.

“You know fucking what? Frank, you have to tell her the truth. She’s not going to remember until you do.”

“Maybe I don’t want her to remember.”

“She still loves you Frank …” Gerard’s voice rang in loud and clear. I sat up straighter on the bed.

“She said that?”

“She didn’t have to. She may not remember, but I can see it. You have to tell her.”

“Ok … alright I will. Just give me some time, ok?”

“You don’t have much time, I’m going to talk to her today, see if I can … I don’t know, prepare her or something. I already got her stuff from your dad’s anyway.”

“Oh yeah, thanks man!” I shoved another chip in my mouth.

“Fucking call her, Frank.”

“Yeah, yeah. I got it.” I hung up the phone and dropped it on the floor.

“Who was that?” Jess asked next to me, her eyes as red as mine, I’m sure.

“Some asshole.” I said as I hit play on the remote. Now, I know what you’re thinking, and no, I didn’t fuck Jess. Never have. She used to be my dealer when I smoked pot. I haven’t done that in a long time, but recently, I needed something other than alcohol and Jess and I were still friends. I looked over and caught a glimpse of myself in her mirror next to the bed. I looked like complete shit. It’s been at least two or three days since I had bathed. My hair was messy and greasy and I’m sure I smelled great. I couldn’t think about Angela without getting upset, so I made the conscious decision to let her come to me and until then, I would self-destruct. Okay, so that wasn’t exactly my plan, but that’s what was happening. Gerard said she still loved me. How is that true if she doesn’t even remember me? As much as I hated to admit it, Gerard was right. I was spiraling out of control. Angela had been keeping me sane the past few months, and without her, I was a complete wreck. The thought of telling her the truth though made me hurt even worse. She will never forgive me and I don’t think I could live without her. That’s what I was doing right now, though. There was only one way to find out. I jumped up from her bed and started going through Jess’ desk drawers. She looked over at me and laughed.

“What are you doing?”

“Do you have a note book and pen?”

“Well, yeah. What for?”

“I need to write a letter.”