Dark and Dirty Like You've Never Seen

I spent the good part of an hour ranting to Gerard. I told him about the note and Lacy and everything else that was bothering me. I felt bad when I realized I had done most of the talking while Gerard just agreed with me occasionally. I tried to apologize but he said I had nothing to be sorry for. He said if anything, he should be telling me sorry. He was sorry that I had to go through all of this. He was sorry for what happened that night at the party. He was sorry for things he wouldn’t even tell me about. Things that I had yet to find out about.

I didn’t get it. I felt safe with Gerard. He made me feel good about myself. When I talked to him, I could feel the air in the room change. I could feel my body relax when he walked into the room. I know I hadn’t spent much time with Frank, actually none to be exact, but I didn’t have that gravitational pull to him like I do with Gerard. I had thought about something when I was on the phone with Gerard that just made everything that much more complicated. What happens when I remember Frank? I can’t deny the feelings I have for Gerard now and he made it clear that he has feelings for me but wants me to work things out with Frank. That's not just going to go away when I remember Frank. I mentioned it to Gerard and he seemed a little unsure himself. I wish I could have talked to him in person. I couldn't gauge his reaction over the phone. He told me that once I remembered Frank, I'll forget about these feelings I have for him. He said I was just channeling them to him but that would change when I remembered. This made my stomach twist painfully, but I just said ok.

I didn't actually believe him and from the sounds of it, it didn't seem like he believed himself. Our conversation ended soon after that leaving me feeling even more exhausted. Talking to him made me feel better at the time but by the time I hung up the phone I was back to the confusing reality of things.

By now the sun had set and it was pushing midnight. I sat in my bed, staring numbingly at the walls. I'm not sure how long I had been doing this. I lay down with the intention of sleeping some of this off. I just wanted to forget just for a little bit. I felt like I had stepped into someone else's life mid-sentence. I'm trying to put the pieces together and figure out where they left off. What was more frustrating was I had all the pieces in front of me, but they just didn't seem to fit together. Especially the two glaringly confusing pieces in the middle of the puzzle: Frank and I. I laid my arm across my face and sighed heavily.

At that moment I heard a bang on my window causing me to yelp and shoot up into a sitting position on my bed. I squinted my eyes in the darkness to see what had hit my window. I didn't see anything. Maybe the wind blew the tree limb into the glass. That's when I saw a rock pelt my window again. I jumped at the contact and hopped out of bed. I looked around the room and slowly made my way to the window. I grabbed the jacket hanging off the back of the chair by my desk and quickly slipped it on, realizing I was in just a tank top and boy shorts. I slowly looked out the window just as another pebble came flying at it. I backed up, angry this time, and threw open the window, jutting my head out.

"Who's there?" I hissed. I looked down to see a boy with black and red hair wearing all black clothing. "Frank?" My voice went from pissed to confused and shocked.

"Angela, I need to talk to you." He whispered back. I’m not sure why, though. He is outside.
"Right now?" I was confused. Did we always used to do this? Was throwing shit at my window a normal thing?

"Please... I need to talk to you."

I waited for a moment and watched as he rocked back and forth on his heels. I sighed. "Meet me at the front door." I quietly made my way down stairs, praying I didn't wake my parents up. Even though they were being extra nice to me, I don't think they would forgive me having Frank over in the middle of the night. I slowly unlocked the door and pulled it open. Frank stood there with his hands in his pockets and his head held down low. He looked up at me through his lashes and shook some hair out of his face. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. This is the first time since the hospital that I had seen him up close. He was very attractive. A thought flashed through my mind that made me blush. Had we done anything? Had we had sex? I held on to the door handle for support.

"Can I come in?"

"... Yeah, just be quiet, ok?" I finally replied, moving aside and letting him in. As he walked past me, a gush of air with his scent swirled around me and I breathed in deep. That smell. I lifted the arm of the jacket up to my face and sniffed. It’s the same: cologne and cigarettes. I felt myself begin to quiver. Possibly because of the cold air. I quickly shut the door and motioned for Frank to follow me up the stairs. We quietly made our way into my room and I shut the door, latching it behind us. I silently made my way over to the bed and sat down. I watched as he walked over to me hesitantly, not sure where to go before leaning against my desk facing me. Once again, he shoved his hands in his pockets. The silence filling the room was making my ears ring. I cleared my throat, the sound making me jump.

“So… what are you doing here?”

“I don’t know. I needed to see you.” He wouldn’t look at me when he talked, which was ironic considering why he was here.

“Oh … ok, well, here I am.” I said as I shrugged my shoulders before crossing my arms over my chest. After a moment, he looked at me and gave me a weak smile. That’s what it looked like in the dark anyway. I didn’t turn the lights on when we came in. I’m not sure why, I just thought it might draw attention to us incase my parents woke up. After waiting awhile, it didn’t appear that he was going to say anything. I sighed and scooted over on the bed, nodding my head for him to come over and sit down. He slowly pushed off of the desk and walked over to me, sitting down with caution. This actually just made matters worse. We were sitting so close, but had nothing to say. The silence was killing me. I wanted him to say something. I wanted him to explain things to me like he said he would, but he just sat there. I pulled my feet up on the bed and turned so I was facing him. I was shaking with anticipation and decided I couldn’t wait any longer. “What happened, Frank?”

He looked up at me, his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth pressed in a hard line. “You just wanna get right to it then, huh?”

“Well, you weren’t saying anything.”

“Did you even miss me?”

“What?” I furrowed my eyebrows this time. Was he dodging my question on purpose? He looked tired. Not tired like he needed sleep, but like he was defeated. I softened my tone and let my arms fall to my sides, leaning back on my hands.

“Did you … do you remember me yet? Anything?”

“No … nothing really. I’m sorry.”

“Really? That would have made things a lot easier … I just … shit.” He ran his hand through his messy hair and leaned forward on his knees. He turned to look at me slowly. He looked me over and I saw a sad smile pull at the corners of his lips. “You’re wearing my jacket. I forgot all about that one.” He looked like he was reminiscing. I watched as his hand reached out to grab mine instinctively but he quickly pulled it back. I felt my throat start to tighten and I took in a shaky breath, nodding at him.

“I knew this was yours.”

“How?” He perked up.

“Oh … it uh … smells like you.” I blushed. I was glad that the lights were out. He shifted on the bed, turning to look at me more. After a moment, he decided against his better judgment and let his hand slide over to mine, gripping it. He ran his thumb lightly over my knuckles and stared at me with a gaze so intense, I had to turn my attention to his hand holding mine. I felt the muscles in my stomach clench when he gave me that look. I saw his other hand come up and brush up against my cheek, pushing hair that had fallen from behind my ear out of my eyes. I stared up at him through my lashes, too nervous to face him fully. His face had the most desperate, pleading look on it that it was a wonder that I didn’t jump on him right then.

“Angela …” He breathed out my name causing me to shiver. “Please. You have to try and remember. I can’t do this unless you remember that I honestly loved you. That I still love you. Please. What do I have to do to make you remember?”

“I don’t … I don’t know, Frank. It just comes back randomly. Usually something will spark it…” I grabbed his hand with both of mine and shook my head, not able to look him in the eyes anymore. I honestly did want to remember. I may not have actual memories of him, but having him here, this close to me, I could feel it. The electricity that coursed through me as he gripped my hand in his. I may not remember this feeling, but the response my body had to his touch seemed natural. I felt comfortable with Gerard when I looked at him and when he was near me. I didn’t feel this with Frank until just now. I realize it’s because it’s not enough to just have him around. I physically need him. I need to feel his hands on me, my hands touching him, this intimate skin to skin contact. It wasn’t enough to be around him. I needed him. I took a sharp intake of breath as my gaze finally rose to meet his. Something was surfacing. A memory. It was fuzzy but it was persistent.

“What is it?” He leaned closer to me, his scent engulfing me again. I took in a deep breath and sighed, closing my eyes.

“Frank …” His name came out involuntarily. I didn’t even have a chance to open my eyes before I felt his lips crash into mine. I gasped as I felt his hands slide from mine and move up into my face, pulling me closer to him. After a brief moment of uncertainty, I felt myself responding, mirroring his actions. He groaned against my lips, my name sliding lusciously from his tongue to mine. Like a flood, I was washed over with memories. More powerful and demanding than what I had experienced as of yet. I saw Frank pushing me against his car outside of my house, his lips greedy against mine: our first kiss. I saw us lying in his bed, rolling around and laughing. He was straddling me and biting softly at my neck. I saw him playing guitar in the garage and in the middle of the song, running over and kissing my cheek. I saw us at school, his dad’s, with the guys. I couldn’t breathe. I reluctantly pushed off of Frank, gasping for air. He was just mere centimeters from my face, also taking deep breaths. He was searching my eyes for something. I felt myself smile as tears sprung to my eyes.

“I remember you.”

His mouth hung open, trying to find the words, but instead a stunned chuckle came out. He lunged forward again; his lips attacking mine while his hands ran over my hair, my face, my arms, my sides, my legs. I was aware of the fact that we hadn’t discussed what he came here for. I knew that there was more to the situation. I knew that I was still confused about Gerard. Somewhere in the back of my mind, all of these things were still pressing issues, but right now all I knew was I remembered and I had Frank here with me and that’s all I wanted right now.