For Always, Forever

As time went on, Zack and Rian found themselves spending more and more time together in the back lounge. Matt had given them explicit instructions not to bother Alex when he was sleeping – which was nearly all of the time – so they resigned themselves to long bus rides of watching movies, playing video games and hanging out. It was the first time they had ever really hung out, just the two of them. Zack was frustrated that there was nothing he could do; he was action-oriented and found it difficult to sit by and watch one of his best friends suffer. Even working out didn’t help his mood. He understood why Alex wanted Jack around, of course. They just went together; he had long suspected that there was something more than friendship there, but he wasn’t one to judge. Besides, he had to admit, they would make a pretty cute couple.

Not that he thought about other guys that way, or anything. Zack Merrick was definitely one-hundred percent heterosexual. And even if he was gay, he was pretty sure that he would be on top. Because if he never let a guy do... well, that... to him, then technically, it wasn’t gay; wouldn’t gay sex on the giving end be sort of the same, anyway? He wasn’t going to think about it too much. Just like he wasn’t thinking about Alex starting radiation treatments as soon as they returned to Maryland. It was too much. But he was only slightly offended by the fact that Alex would be living at Jack’s house during treatment. Jack lived closest to the hospital, and when it came to the lead singer, he had immense amounts of patience that Zack could never possess.

Rian’s elbow jabbing into the small of his back snapped him back to reality. “What?” he muttered, rolling onto his side and looking up at the drummer.

“I said, what are you going to do while we’re off?”

Zack shrugged. “I dunno, hang out with my parents or something. I don’t – I can’t – I’m not good at this, Ri. I can’t just sit around and pretend that nothing is happening.” He rested his head in Rian’s lap. “I mean, this is my best fucking friend, and he doesn’t even want me around. Kind of hurts, you know?” He barely noticed Rian’s fingers in his hair, tugging at the curls and massaging his scalp. This is comfortable.

“Well,” Rian said thoughtfully, “We could always hang out, you know, like old times in my basement, seeing as we’re both in the same boat. You’re, like, really tense, dude,” he mumbled, the concern evident in his voice. “You’ve been so cranky lately.” And without thinking, Zack reached for his hand, seeking reassurance and maybe – just maybe – something more. Because he definitely, definitely wasn’t thinking about all those nights in Rian’s basement, or anything, because that was just fucked up. He tried to ignore Rian’s thumb rubbing his own, ignore the warm, familiar feeling spreading along his lower extremities. Rian felt so warm and familiar. And the door was closed, so why not...?

“’M not tense,” he sighed. “Well, maybe a little. I mean, I don’t know... You still think about, like, that?”

Rian licked his lips. “Yeah, I – Sometimes. I... We’re not, not like them. That’s... This is, like, different. It’s more of a convenience thing. right?” Zack nodded, almost imperceptibly. “Yeah, we’re not – we’re definitely not, you know, not gay.”

Another thought occurs to Zack. “Man, if Alex ever found out about us – this, I mean – he’d be so fucking pissed.”

“Then it’s a good thing the door is closed,” Rian mumbled. “Can we – I mean, I am just really stressed right now and I think... I think you need this too, Zee. Just... I’m, I. I need a little, you know...” Of course Zack knew, and he hated the lead-up to it. He hated feeling like he was being toyed with, and he hated the way Rian couldn’t come out and say what he meant. And he almost might hate Rian for it, save for the fact that he needed it just as much as Rian did. He hated the way Rian made him feel like a whore. But the ‘after’ part almost made up for it – the part when, before Rian fell asleep like he always did, in his post-orgasm stupor, he’d bury his face in Zack’s hair and whisper those three little words that meant so much. Zack hated him for that. He hated him because he meant it, and because he didn’t mean it.

He wouldn’t say no. “I’m – Okay, okay, but you have to be quiet. And this is the only time until the end of the tour. I mean, we haven’t done this in – not since – not... You know.” He let his silence fill in the name where Kara’s name should go, otherwise known as the bitch who had taken a very good thing away from him. So he sat up, glancing at the door to make sure it was actually latched, and looked at Rian expectantly.

It came so automatically to them. Rian would look at him with those eyes, and whisper, “Fuck, Zee, you’re so beautiful sometimes, you know that?” And he didn’t want to hear the lie, so instead of waiting for the words he just... pounced. Mashed his mouth against Rian’s so that their teeth and tongues and lips pressed together seamlessly, gasping for breath and touching – touching everywhere, groping and squeezing and making un-fucking-godly sounds in the process. And that was how Zack came to be straddling Rian in the back lounge of the tour bus, which put both of them in an extremely compromising position if anyone came in. One thing Zack could say for sure: Rian was a very, very good kisser. It barely registered as they both shed their clothes, whimpering and moaning as the sexual tension between them grew.

So they were naked, and Rian’s fingernails were scraping along the inside of Zack’s thigh. “Fuck,” Zack moaned, arching his back.

“Do you want me to?” Rian breathed in his ear. But his hand was already creeping down between Zack’s thighs, sending electricity up and down his spine. Zack didn’t say anything, just opened his legs to allow Rian access. “You’re still so tense... Let me try something.” Zack gasped as Rian moved away from him, kneeling awkwardly on the floor in front of the little couch. “I, um, I’ve wanted this for a really long time.”

Zack didn’t understand. “Wait, what – are you saying that you, you’ll...”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.” Rian kissed the inside of his thigh, and that was that. It was wetter than he’d expected, and... Well, to be totally honest, not that much different than it was with a girl. After it was over, they both sort of collapsed on the couch, breathing hard. Zack didn’t feel as horrible as he normally did at the end, which was something new. “Hey, Zee, I fuckin’...”

Zack glared at him. “Don’t say it,” he growled, “because you don’t.” He pulled on his jeans, not caring that his boxers were still lying under the couch somewhere. “I’m not going to be this to you any more, Ri. It hurts too much.”

“Dude, I just gave you a fuckin’ blowjob, and you’re walking away from me? Don’t act like you understand how the fuck I feel – about anything. I don’t need this, Zack. You do. So you can take your little wounded act and just fuck right off, because you’re not the only one hurting right now.” Zack stormed out, slamming the door shut behind him. And for a moment, Rian sat there, hopeful – hoping that he’d change his mind, or something – but it was obvious that he wasn’t coming back. He had screwed up. Once he was positive that no one was going to come in, Rian collapsed in a sweaty little heap, sobbing. He had managed to alienate yet another person he cared about. Great.

**

Alex woke with a start from yet another nightmare. His heart was racing so hard he thought that he was actually going to die. The only thing stopping him from curling up into a frightened ball was Jack’s arm around his waist, strong and reassuring. Instead, he twisted his fingers in the fabric of Jack’s t-shirt, letting out a small whimper as he pressed himself closer to Jack’s body. Frustrated tears leaked out, making him feel worse than he already had. He couldn’t even sleep by himself now. He literally needed Jack nearby at all times, because at least with Jack, he almost felt normal.

“You okay?” Jack’s voice was rough with sleep. Alex shook his head ‘no’, trying to control his breathing so he wouldn’t be a shaking, hyperventilating wreck. “I’m here... Wanna tell me about it?”

“No,” he sighed. “I had another stupid nightmare.” Jack’s mouth pressed against his forehead. “You know you don’t have to do this, right?” He squirmed slightly as Jack’s arm slid down, now closer to his hip than his waist. Better not get too far on that train of thought, or Jack would never want to sleep with him again. Especially since Jack had tangled their legs together, leaving only a few inches of space between them. Jack’s hand migrated again, this time rubbing his back in little circles.

“I want to,” Jack replied. “You’re, like, my favourite person ever, so I nee... I want to take care of you.”

Alex exhaled shakily, pressing his nose into Jack’s neck. “I don’t know what I would do without you.” He nuzzled up against Jack’s jaw, still fighting back the tears that threatened to fall. “I’m so scared...”

“All you can do is make the most of the time you have,” Jack whispered. “If you’re gonna... if it’s... it happens, then I want you to promise me something.” He pulled Alex closer – if that was even possible – and sort of petted his hair. “Promise me that you’re gonna do everything you can to be happy, okay? ‘Cause I would feel really shitty knowing that your last moments, you were miserable. So, uh, yeah.” But it was too late, because Alex was already sound asleep. He sighed, wondering how the hell Alex could be so scared one minute and then out cold the next. “I love you,” he whispered, kissing Alex’s forehead lightly. “So fucking much.”