For Always, Forever

Jack stared at the ceiling, not wanting to say what was on his mind for once. He really didn’t want to stress Alex out anymore than he had been recently; he could see it in his boyfriend’s eyes how badly the radiation treatments were beginning to affect him. Alex was curled up beside him, sound asleep. It was quite precious, actually, getting to watch Alex sleep. But even the sight of a sleeping Gaskarth was not enough to qualm the torrent of thoughts inside his head, not enough to shake the image of Zack, scared and upset, from his mind. And he’d turned Zack away at the door because Alex was more important to him. So what kind of friend was he? It wasn’t as if Zack had anyone else to turn to – his other friends were in California, and he and Rian were in some sort of weird fight – so the guilt was beginning to build up in his head. What if it were something really important? Alex stirred beside him, yawning and stretching cutely, sort of like a cat.

He poked Jack’s shoulder lightly. “What’re you doing up?” he asked sleepily, nuzzling Jack’s neck. “’s freakishly early for you to be awake.”

“Just thinking,” Jack replied. “How’s your stomach, baby? Feeling okay?” The major downside to Alex being in treatment was that nearly all food made him nauseous, so it was a struggle for Jack to find foods for him that wouldn’t upset his increasingly sensitive digestive system. He pressed a soft kiss to Alex’s forehead, smiling as the singer snuggled closer to him. They spent a lot of time in bed, but that was okay as far as Jack was concerned. He’d do anything for Alex.

“I’m feeling kind of hungry, actually...” Alex kissed his jaw lightly. “Make me breakfast?”

Jack laughed. “Come on, you know that isn’t a safe idea. Remember the time we used a lighter and hairspray to cook bread because I broke the toaster?” His fingers skimmed Alex’s side gently. “What do you want to eat, babe?”

“Just some toast or something? But, um, please use the toaster because I know it works.” Jack leaned over and kissed him. “Mmm, go make me breakfast before you get distracted,” Alex scolded him. “I know how you work, remember? Food first, making out second. That’s the rule.” But he knew Alex wasn’t actually serious from the way Alex’s hands slid into his hair, unwilling to let him go. They shared a couple more kisses before Alex pulled away again, cheeks flushed. “Go make me breakfast.”

“Is breakfast your new code word for boner?”

Alex scowled. “Jaaaaaaack. Go make me breakfast and... and... and you’ll get... a reward?”

Jack raised one eyebrow quizzically. “Is the reward your penis? ‘Cause you know that’s all I’m interested in you for, really. It’s all about the penis with me.” He grinned, stroking Alex’s cheek fondly before finally getting up to make breakfast. He decided on the way downstairs that he’d better call Zack – the guilt having finally gotten the better of him. Besides, no point in worrying Alex about something he didn’t have to. He grabbed the cordless phone from its cradle and dialled Zack’s number from member, holding it between his shoulder and ear as he made breakfast – scrambled eggs for himself and toast for Alex.

“Hello?” a sleepy Zack muttered into the phone.

“Hey Zee, it’s Jack... I just wanted to say sorry for the other day, bro, and see what’s up with you.” He pushed the eggs around in the frying pan, frowning. They certainly didn’t look very scrambled. “Little bro?”

“I’m here, I’m here, I just. I don’t know, Jack; I don’t know how to say this to you. Or, like, anyone really...”

He stared impatiently at the toaster, wondering exactly how long it took to cook two pieces of bread. The hairspray and lighter method had worked much better. “Well, you know you can tell me anything, right?”

Zack exhaled shakily on the other end of the line. “I know... Listen, Jack, I did a really stupid thing, but I think this is one of those things we need to talk about in person. Can you come over later, maybe?”

Jack nodded before he realized that he was on the phone; Zack couldn’t actually see him. “Y-yeah, I’ll. Just let me call Matt or someone to spend the day with Alex and I’ll be over.” He hated the thought of leaving Alex, even if only for a couple of hours, but something in his gut told him that he’d better do this. After all, Zack was family. Everyone in All Time Low was family – from his bandmates and Matt down to their crew members, past and present. Jack couldn’t abandon family. “How about I stop by in, like, an hour or two?”

“Thanks, Jack. I’ll see you then.” He ended the call, leaving the phone on the counter so he could monitor the progress of his breakfast. The toast ended up distinctly burnt on one side, and the eggs... Well, he gave up on the eggs once it became apparent that they weren’t going to become anything other than runny, sticky mess. By the time Alex padded downstairs, looking rumpled and completely adorable, breakfast was ready.

“You took too long,” Alex explained, pressing himself into Jack’s arms. “Who were you on the phone with?” Their mouths found each other, instinctively, lips warm and gentle, pressing Jack’s back into the counter. He felt that familiar knot of guilt growing in the pit of his stomach. Alex’s stomach growled ferociously, snapping them back to reality. “Okay, okay, enough kissing; you’re gross. Feed me?”

“I’m going to Zack’s later, okay, babe?” He wasn’t really sure why he was asking permission; it’s not like it wasn’t his house. Somewhere in his mind, he just felt kind of guilty not spending every second he could with Alex. “We can call Matt if you feel like some company...?” He shifted slightly as Alex crawled into his lap, wrapping his arms around the older boy’s waist and resting his chin on Alex’s shoulder. “You smell good,” he murmured, nipping at the soft skin just behind Alex’s left ear. Alex squirmed, which was his goal all along.

“Jaaaaaack,” he sighed. “Not while I’m eating breakfast! You can’t wait, like, five minutes to make out with me? Seriously, I feel like all we ever do is make out. Our mouths are becoming, like, a singular entity.”

Jack frowned. “You’re just being crabby; we do not make out all the time. We’re not making out now.” His fingers migrated to the stretch of exposed skin between Alex’s pajama pants and his t-shirt. “Besides, why would I want to kiss you? You have dragon breath in the morning.” Slowly, his hand dipped lower, tracing patterns into Alex’s hipbone. “I love you, baby,” he breathed, sucking lightly on Alex’s earlobe. Alex responded by digging his nails into Jack’s thigh, blushing profusely. Yes, he definitely felt guilty about hanging out with Zack for the day. Plus... y’know, other things.

**

Zack looked like death. No – worse than death – because at least death could come with a warm, inviting smile. Jack had never seen him look so down before in their lives; not even when Zack’s grandma had passed away unexpectedly, and that had been the worst thing ever, period. So they sat in the living room of Zack’s parents’ house, both staring at the floor. Jack Barakat was not normally the first person anyone would think of calling for support, so he supposed that Zack’s news had to be something monumental. He was slightly worried, though, that Zack looked so bad; it looked like he hadn’t even worked out in at least a week. And for Zack, that was really saying something – he got cranky and out of sorts if he forgot to work out for, like, a day.

Finally, Jack reached out and took Zack’s hand. “So, you gonna tell me what’s wrong, or am I going to have to use my Jedi mind-tricks on you?”

Zack shook his head, paling considerably. “Jack, I-I. I screwed up big-time...”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” said Jack. “Whatever it is, we’ll get you through it. ‘Cause, we’re brothers, remember?” Zack said nothing, just squeezed his hand half-heartedly, looking as dejected and upset as he had when Jack had walked through the door an hour ago. “Come on, little bro. I’m here for you.”

Zack cleared his throat, still making eye contact with the laminate flooring. “Uh... You’re not gonna believe me when I tell you this, but... um... So, remember when I used to stay over at Ri’s after band practice and stuff?” Jack nodded. They were, like, best friends... that was part of why he was so concerned; Zack and Rian had never gone this long without speaking. Ever. “Okay, so... uh... after you and Alex would leave, sometimes... you know... stuff... happened.” Zack looked so stricken with guilt that it was Jack’s first instinct to crush the bassist into his arms and just hug it out. Only, that would probably be a bad decision.

“So you and Rian are... uh...?”

Zack shook his head. “We’re not, it just. Kinda, we kept going at it every once in a while and then it happened one day on the bus after Alex got all... you know... and it went farther than it ever did before and I kind of, I. I really freaked out on him, and now we’re not talking, and I think I might be gay. And so... since you’ve been spending all your time with Alex – which I totally understand, I mean, you’re together now, that’s so great – I’ve kind of been doing my own thing, and...”

Jack interrupted him. “Doing ‘your own thing’? What the fuck is that? You have a problem, you come to one of us. I don’t care if you’re fighting with Rian or whatever; that’s your own thing. But to not come to me or Alex about this, Zack... Shit. We could’ve helped, you know?”

Zack shook his head again. “Jack, you don’t understand. One night a couple weeks ago, I went out to this bar... You know, that kind of bar... And I-I-I, I don’t know what I was thinking, I was really drunk and it just happened and now I’m so screwed and I’m so, so scared...” Fuck propriety, Jack thought as he wrapped his skinny arms around Zack. “He didn’t even care,” Zack sobbed miserably. “He just, he. I didn’t – I can’t – I don’t know what to do, I’m so afraid to go to the doctor and I know that you guys don’t need anything else happening right now...”

“Zack... What exactly happened?”

It took a few minutes for Zack to calm down enough for his words to be coherent, which was worrisome. Zack was about the last person Jack would ever expect to lose his head like this. On the other hand, he also knew how much homophobia there must have been ingrained into Zack’s psyche from all those years of playing high school sports, so it must have been difficult for Zack to talk about it at all. Finally, Zack looked up at him with tearful eyes, and whispered, “Jack... He was positive.”

Those three words threatened to shatter Jack’s entire world for the second time. There was no meaning to them other than what they meant; he felt a very strong urge to find whoever had been so reckless, so insensitive and stupid with Zack and punch that person’s face in. “Oh, Zack,” he whispered, letting the impact of the words sink in. “I can’t... I mean, I... You... But you’re Zack, you can’t get sick and – and... No.”

“I feel so dirty,” Zack whimpered. “I’m so stupid... What if I have it?”

Jack shook his head solemnly. “I don’t know, Zee... You know you have to get tested, right? I mean, they have drugs now... I mean, if you catch it early enough, you’re not gonna... you’re not gonna...” He was nearly in tears himself as he forced the words out. “You’re not gonna die, Zack.”

Zack’s head lay on his shoulder for a very long time after that. What was there to do? What was there to say? One of his best friends was hurting, and there wasn’t a damn thing Jack could do about it. There was only one thing he knew for sure – he could not tell Alex about this. Not until they had a conclusive answer either way, at least; there was no point in stressing Alex out if he didn’t have to. It was hard enough having one of his loved ones scary-sick. What was he going to do if he could possibly lose Zack, too?

“I don’t want to have H.I.V.,” Zack whispered. “I wish I could take it back; I wish it had been with...” He wiped the tears from his face self-consciously. “I just wish it had been with Rian... I, Jack. I think I love him, you know?” Jack pulled him closer and held him as he cried. They were going to get through this, somehow. He just needed some time to think, process, to figure things out. He wouldn’t let Zack hurt. And... well... he hated seeing Zack in such obvious distress, so maybe a trip to visit Rian wouldn’t be totally out of line. He needed to know if Rian felt the same way – Zack was so upset he deserved at least a little happiness. Then, he started feeling guilty because he’d been away from Alex way longer than intended, and he had no idea how he was going to keep something this big from his boyfriend.