For Always, Forever

Jack didn’t come home from Zack’s until hours later, looking exhausted. He crawled wordlessly into bed, kissed Alex on the forehead and snuggled up to him. Alex, barely awake, whined at the lack of contact. He’d been waiting for Jack to return for hours, alternating between watching made-for-T.V. movies and texting Matt to bitch about it. “You were gone for too long,” Alex sighed. “I missed you.” Jack’s lips pressed against his tenderly, leaving him feeling tingly and warm inside. “You’re never allowed to leave me for that long again, okay, Bkat?”

“Okay, baby,” Jack said solemnly. “I didn’t mean to take so long, except I kind of stopped at Rian’s after to take care of some stuff.” He sighed heavily, rubbing Alex’s back with his fingertips. He really didn’t want to burden Alex with everything; not when he was still so sick. Maybe once he was feeling better, they could talk about it, but in the meantime he needed to focus his energy on taking care of Alex. He traced patterns into Alex’s bare shoulder, holding him close.

But Alex, being Alex, wouldn’t let it go. “What’d you go to Rian’s for?” he asked.

“He and Zack are still fighting.” Alex pushed his leg between Jack’s thighs. “Um. ‘re you a little horny there, babe?” Alex bit his lower lip, looking totally adorable. “Or did you just miss me that much?”

Alex poked his cheek lightly, mumbling, “Stop changing the subject. I wanna know where you were all day instead of here, snuggling with me.” He ran his thumb over Jack’s lower lip; Jack caught the tip in between his teeth, sucking slowly before releasing the digit. “Tell me what’s wrong, love. You look so stressed out.”

“It’s nothing for you to worry about, Lex.”

“Jaaaaaack. They’re my best friends, too. You think I’m not going to worry about it just because you said so? If anything, that’s going to make me worry more, because I know how you are at handling things. You’re just going to wait until you’re in over your head before you ask anyone for help.” Alex’s fingers trailed along his unshaven jaw. “Please let me help you, love. I may be sick, but I’m not helpless.”

Jack’s stomach did flip-flops. It was so like Alex to put everyone else ahead of himself, even when he was sick. “Baby, please don’t worry about this right now. Zack’s just going through some stuff, that’s all. I promise I’ll tell you if anything bad happens.” He gazed into his boyfriend’s deep brown eyes, still feeling that slight pang of guilt in his chest. “Can we sleep now? I’m kind of exhausted.” As always, though, he waited for Alex to fall asleep before dozing off himself, nose pressed into the tangle of Alex’s unwashed hair.

**

The day Jack had to take Alex to the hospital for his first chemo treatment, he was worried. He didn’t like leaving Alex alone in that place all day – he would’ve felt much better about it if he could have sat there with him, holding his hand and making stupid jokes, maybe stealing a kiss or two when the nurses weren’t watching. Instead of talking about how upsetting it was, though, he sat with Alex in the waiting room, arms wrapped around his skinny waist, pressing kisses into the crook of his neck as they waited for his name to be called. Alex was shaking slightly, despite his reassurances that it would be okay. His fingers clung to Jack’s hoodie, gripping so tight his knuckles had gone white.

“It’s going to be okay, baby,” Jack whispered. “I’ll be at Zack’s all day, so you can call me if you need me.” He had neglected to tell Alex why he was going to be at Zack’s house, and that he would actually be at the hospital with Zack for part of the day. It wasn’t for Alex to worry about, yet; he was still optimistic that Zack was just scared and he hadn’t actually contracted a big, nasty anything. The three month window prior to being able to get tested had gone by pretty quickly; Jack had been preoccupied with taking care of Alex. Over the past few weeks, Zack had grown gaunt and pale, more silent than he ever had been before. It was taking a toll on the poor guy’s body.

“I love you,” Alex mumbled. His skin had the familiar sheen of sick-sweat. Jack kissed his forehead.

He mumbled, “I love you too. I hate leaving you here.” Alex’s grip tightened on his hoodie. “You’re going to get better. This means you’re getting better. You’re not on the hardcore treatments anymore, babe.” He kissed along Alex’s face gently, closing his eyes. “No more dry mouth and puking for my baby, hopefully.” The hardest part had been watching Alex get thinner and thinner, to the point that he could rest his fingers in the spaces between Alex’s ribs when they cuddled in bed. “I’ll only be a phone call away,” he promised. Alex kissed at his lips worriedly, ignoring the dirty looks other people in the waiting room shot in their direction.

Finally, the nurse came and called out, “Alex Gaskarth?” Jack kissed him goodbye and watched, sadly, as the nurse led him off for an uncomfortable day of treatment. It was bittersweet; at least he’d finished radiation so he would feel a little bit better, but he hated not knowing whether Alex was going to have to have surgery or not to remove the tumour. They had been told considerably less about Alex’s condition than Jack would have liked. He swallowed the lump in his throat, fighting back tears as he headed back to the car to go pick up Zack. The easy part of his day was over; Alex’s condition wouldn’t get any better or worse after only one of these treatments.

Zack’s apartment was only a thirty minute drive from the hospital. He’d moved in soon after he had come out to Jack, saying he needed some space from his parents for a while, a place to spread out and call his own. Martin from Boys Like Girls had moved in with him, too; he was good friends with all of the guys and, quite frankly, Jack was glad he’d found someone to keep him company. Despite what people said about him, Martin was a good guy. When Jack pulled up to the curb, they were already waiting. Martin had pulled Zack into a tight hug, molding their bodies together seamlessly. He gave Jack a sad little smile – he was the only person, besides Jack, who knew what was going on with Zack.

After letting go of the curly-haired bassist, he laid a hand on Jack’s shoulder. “How’d dropping Alex off go?” Martin asked. “Is he going to be okay on his own?”

“I hope so,” Jack replied. “Are you coming with us, or are you going to hold down the fort in case someone calls from the hospital?” He didn’t want to say Alex – he wanted to believe that Alex would be okay without him. “Come on, bro,” he said, taking Zack’s hand. “Let’s get this over with so we can hang out with Martin for the rest of the day.” Martin squished them together in a hug before they got into Jack’s shitty car. “Call you when we’re leaving again,” Jack told him. He couldn’t quite place the look on Martin’s face as they pulled away. It was like someone stealing the oxygen straight from his lungs, or something.

Zack held his hand all the way to the hospital. Jack had become accustomed to one-handed driving; whenever they went somewhere – usually to the hospital, come to think of it – Alex clung to his hand. It was different with Zack, though. He was usually so calm and collected that it hurt to see him so upset about anything. Especially worrisome was the fact that he and Rian still weren’t talking. Jack had tried his best to leave it alone in favour of taking care of Alex, expecting that they would patch it up over a week or two. He didn’t know what Rian’s problem was. Couldn’t he see that Zack was hurting right now? Couldn’t he see that they all were? It made him sick to think about.

**

Martin was almost asleep when the phone rang. He pawed at it clumsily before finding the talk button and pressing it to his ear. “Martin’s house of whores,” he muttered. It had been three hours since he’d given Zack over to Jack to go get his tests done. Not that he’d been, like, counting down the minutes until Zack’s safe return, or anything, because that would be completely gay. He just missed his roommate, that was all.

“Hey Martin,” Alex sighed. “Is Jack around?”

“Naw,” he yawned. “Him and Zack went out for a bit. You want him to call you when he gets back?” He rolled over, wondering whether he should order a pizza or not. “How’s the chemo going?”

“It’s pretty much a non-event,” Alex explained. “First, they give you this stuff that makes you feel very hyper and jumpy, and then they give you some Benadryl, and then they give you five or six different things but you don’t feel any of them. It’s really boring, actually. It feels like nothing is happening.”

“Poor Alex,” he said. “I’ll tell your boyfriend you called, my love. He’s probably pining away for you as we speak.” He spat into the bathroom sink, examining his reflection. He felt a little weird about lying to Alex, but it wasn’t really his business, was it? Besides, he probably wouldn’t tell Zack right now if anything bad was happening; poor guy was stressed out enough as it was. Thinking about it made his stomach feel all weird and tight. He wanted Zack back safe and sound.